Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Mix Of Every Sketch I Wrote in September

JORDAN comes out on stage.

JORDAN
Hi everybody!! In order to deal with personal problems in my life, I embarked on writing 30 comedy sketches in 30 days, in accordance with National Sketchwriting Month. My good friend Matt Koff was the one who told me about it! Take a bow, Matt!

MATT stands up, the audience boos him.

JORDAN
Haha, we love Matt here. Well anyway, this is my 30th sketch, and I thought that the other 29 I wrote were GOOD, but not GREAT. Maybe if I took pieces of them, and worked them into one new SUPER SKETCH, I'd have the funniest comedy sketch ever written! Let's take a look...

INT. BARBER SHOP/EYE DOCTOR

BARBER
Oh mama mia! My hand is stuck behind this guys head of hair! I hate when this happens! Don't you, Eye Doctor?

EYE DOCTOR
Yes, yes, I hate that.

The eye doctor pulls a salsa jar out of his pocket.

EYE DOCTOR
Mmmm, that's good salsa!

The eye doctor pulls a snapple out of his pants.

EYE DOCTOR
This is snapple-tastic!!

Suddenly JOEY walks in with a noose around his neck.

JOEY
Hey! Do you guys sell any candy canes?

BARBER/EYE DOCTOR
NO! GET OUT OF HERE!

A TV is on in the background.

REPORTER
Breaking story: Dr. Flab has died. Again: Dr. Flab has died in a coal mining accident.

BARBER
Ah, stupid coal miners! Think they're so great!

REPORTER
And now with the weather, our lovely weather lady, Donna!

DONNA
I am just really, really indifferent to the weather. It may rain, there may be hurricanes. Go to the beach. I don't care.

REPORTER
Thank you, Donna! Stay tuned tonight for a new episode of Ben's Castle, featuring the Bad Jugglers and the Cookie Brothers!

EYE DOCTOR
TV these days, it's all filth!

DAVE walks in to the barber shop.

DAVE
Man, this mosquito bite is KILLING my balls! Say, is this the eye doctor-barber shop?

BARBER
Yes sir!

DAVE
That is so weird you guys combined businesses! That's a sketch!

EYE DOCTOR
Right. Can we help you?

DAVE
Oh, I was just on the way to see Petey The Antelope's Picnic Adventure, the director's cut, and I thought I'd stop in and take some of your coupons.

BARBER
Yes yes yes, take the coupons.

DAVE
Great! I can't wait to--
Ahhh...AHHH....AHHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO POOPOOO DOODOOO PEEPEE WAWAWA!!!!!!!

BARBER
God bless you.

DAVE
Thanks. Anyway, I can't wait to see this movie! I heard a guy and a girl walk into a kitchen or something! Bye!!

Dave leaves.

EYE DOCTOR
Ehh, these flashy new movies, with people walking into kitchens. It's all MTV and BOOM BOOM BOOM.

BARBER
Yes, it's true. It reminds me of this dream I had!

EYE DOCTOR
Oh?

BARBER
Yeah...well, since I started using my bed tubes my dreams have been very strange! It's like I know I'm dreaming!

EYE DOCTOR
Weirdy beardy!

BARBER
So anyway, in this dream, I'm going down a water slide, and it leads me to this haunted house, and there's this man with a chainsaw!

EYE DOCTOR
I DON'T LIKE CHAINSAWS!

BARBER
And I do!? So then, this chainsaw guy chases me, but then I escape and I'm in this magical forest, and I start singing this queer song!

EYE DOCTOR
Don't sing it, please.

BARBER
I don't remember it. Well anyway, NEXT CUSTOMER.

NICK sits in the barber chair.

NICK
HURRY! MOVE IT! CUT MY HAIR! MOVE!! GO!!!

BARBER
Such an angry man, you are! Maybe I will take this chair and drop it in the ocean!

NICK
SORRY! I'm just mad cause my girlfriend cheated on me at Laser Tag.

BARBER
Yes, that place, it is a hot spot for such affairs I hear.

NICK
Yeah! Well, just a little off the top please.

The barber shaves Nick bald.

NICK
ARGGHGHH!!!

Nick leaves.

EYE DOCTOR
What a cranky customer!

BARBER
Ahh, he's a good man.

EYE DOCTOR
No, he's an asshole.

BARBER
NO YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

EYE DOCTOR
I oughtta punch your face!

BARBER
You would never do that!

EYE DOCTOR
You're right, I can't. It's not my nature. So what are you doing tonight? Me and the wife are thinking of ordering in some Dominos.

BARBER
Bah! Dominos, they should all burn in Hell for their terrible service! Sure, what time?

EYE DOCTOR
7:30 PM.

BARBER
I'll be there! OH! Wait! I can't. I'm being put to death at 8.

EYE DOCTOR
Death?

BARBER
Yes, electric chair. I didn't pay my last 5 parking tickets, and this judge sentenced me to DEATH BY ELECTRIC CHAIR!

Prison guard walks in.

PRISON GUARD
Come on, Barber. It's time to pay the piper! Hahaha, man, what a great day for me, I love when I get to take a walk around the neighborhood, you know? Too bad you never will again!

Jordan walks out on stage.

JORDAN
THE END! Thank you everyone who checked in on my sketches, whether every day or just once in a while. Hope you had as much fun reading them as I had trying to write them! Keep checking this blog for more stuff! I'm not done by a long shot!

MATT
HOORAY FOR JORDAN!

AUDIENCE
HOORAY FOR JORDAN! HOORAY FOR JORDAN! HOORAY FOR JORDAN!



THE END.

4 Comments:

Blogger Dave Fox said...

Wow pretty impressive

8:34 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

HBOORAY FOJR JORJJGAN

9:34 PM  
Blogger Jordan said...

Thanks!!!

11:23 AM  
Blogger JAJAC said...

Way to tie them all together!

7:22 AM  

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