JORDAN comes out on stage.
JORDAN
Hi everybody!! In order to deal with personal problems in my life, I embarked on writing 30 comedy sketches in 30 days, in accordance with National Sketchwriting Month. My good friend Matt Koff was the one who told me about it! Take a bow, Matt!
MATT stands up, the audience boos him.
JORDAN
Haha, we love Matt here. Well anyway, this is my 30th sketch, and I thought that the other 29 I wrote were GOOD, but not GREAT. Maybe if I took pieces of them, and worked them into one new SUPER SKETCH, I'd have the funniest comedy sketch ever written! Let's take a look...
INT. BARBER SHOP/EYE DOCTOR
BARBER
Oh mama mia! My hand is stuck behind this guys head of hair! I hate when this happens! Don't you, Eye Doctor?
EYE DOCTOR
Yes, yes, I hate that.
The eye doctor pulls a salsa jar out of his pocket.
EYE DOCTOR
Mmmm, that's good salsa!
The eye doctor pulls a snapple out of his pants.
EYE DOCTOR
This is snapple-tastic!!
Suddenly JOEY walks in with a noose around his neck.
JOEY
Hey! Do you guys sell any candy canes?
BARBER/EYE DOCTOR
NO! GET OUT OF HERE!
A TV is on in the background.
REPORTER
Breaking story: Dr. Flab has died. Again: Dr. Flab has died in a coal mining accident.
BARBER
Ah, stupid coal miners! Think they're so great!
REPORTER
And now with the weather, our lovely weather lady, Donna!
DONNA
I am just really, really indifferent to the weather. It may rain, there may be hurricanes. Go to the beach. I don't care.
REPORTER
Thank you, Donna! Stay tuned tonight for a new episode of Ben's Castle, featuring the Bad Jugglers and the Cookie Brothers!
EYE DOCTOR
TV these days, it's all filth!
DAVE walks in to the barber shop.
DAVE
Man, this mosquito bite is KILLING my balls! Say, is this the eye doctor-barber shop?
BARBER
Yes sir!
DAVE
That is so weird you guys combined businesses! That's a sketch!
EYE DOCTOR
Right. Can we help you?
DAVE
Oh, I was just on the way to see Petey The Antelope's Picnic Adventure, the director's cut, and I thought I'd stop in and take some of your coupons.
BARBER
Yes yes yes, take the coupons.
DAVE
Great! I can't wait to--Ahhh...AHHH....AHHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO POOPOOO DOODOOO PEEPEE WAWAWA!!!!!!!
BARBER
God bless you.
DAVE
Thanks. Anyway, I can't wait to see this movie! I heard a guy and a girl walk into a kitchen or something! Bye!!
Dave leaves.
EYE DOCTOR
Ehh, these flashy new movies, with people walking into kitchens. It's all MTV and BOOM BOOM BOOM.
BARBER
Yes, it's true. It reminds me of this dream I had!
EYE DOCTOR
Oh?
BARBER
Yeah...well, since I started using my bed tubes my dreams have been very strange! It's like I know I'm dreaming!
EYE DOCTOR
Weirdy beardy!
BARBER
So anyway, in this dream, I'm going down a water slide, and it leads me to this haunted house, and there's this man with a chainsaw!
EYE DOCTOR
I DON'T LIKE CHAINSAWS!
BARBER
And I do!? So then, this chainsaw guy chases me, but then I escape and I'm in this magical forest, and I start singing this queer song!
EYE DOCTOR
Don't sing it, please.
BARBER
I don't remember it. Well anyway, NEXT CUSTOMER.
NICK sits in the barber chair.
NICK
HURRY! MOVE IT! CUT MY HAIR! MOVE!! GO!!!
BARBER
Such an angry man, you are! Maybe I will take this chair and drop it in the ocean!
NICK
SORRY! I'm just mad cause my girlfriend cheated on me at Laser Tag.
BARBER
Yes, that place, it is a hot spot for such affairs I hear.
NICK
Yeah! Well, just a little off the top please.
The barber shaves Nick bald.
NICK
ARGGHGHH!!!
Nick leaves.
EYE DOCTOR
What a cranky customer!
BARBER
Ahh, he's a good man.
EYE DOCTOR
No, he's an asshole.
BARBER
NO YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!
EYE DOCTOR
I oughtta punch your face!
BARBER
You would never do that!
EYE DOCTOR
You're right, I can't. It's not my nature. So what are you doing tonight? Me and the wife are thinking of ordering in some Dominos.
BARBER
Bah! Dominos, they should all burn in Hell for their terrible service! Sure, what time?
EYE DOCTOR
7:30 PM.
BARBER
I'll be there! OH! Wait! I can't. I'm being put to death at 8.
EYE DOCTOR
Death?
BARBER
Yes, electric chair. I didn't pay my last 5 parking tickets, and this judge sentenced me to DEATH BY ELECTRIC CHAIR!
Prison guard walks in.
PRISON GUARD
Come on, Barber. It's time to pay the piper! Hahaha, man, what a great day for me, I love when I get to take a walk around the neighborhood, you know? Too bad you never will again!
Jordan walks out on stage.
JORDAN
THE END! Thank you everyone who checked in on my sketches, whether every day or just once in a while. Hope you had as much fun reading them as I had trying to write them! Keep checking this blog for more stuff! I'm not done by a long shot!
MATT
HOORAY FOR JORDAN!
AUDIENCE
HOORAY FOR JORDAN! HOORAY FOR JORDAN! HOORAY FOR JORDAN!
THE END.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Order in the Funny Court
INT. COURTROOM
LAWYER
And so, Mister Gaffy, you walked all the way upstairs.
MR. GAFFY
That's correct.
LAWYER
And then you went INTO THE BATHROOM...
MR. GAFFY
...Yes.
LAWYER
And you brushed your TEETH. ONE brush TWO brush THREE brush FOUR.
MR. GAFFY
Yes. Something like that.
LAWYER
And then you put on your PAJAMAS. What kind of pajamas were they?
MR. GAFFY
Like a...a flannel thing. Comfy.
LAWYER
And then what?
MR. GAFFY
I think I...
LAWYER
YOU THINK?
MR. GAFFY
I went into my bedroom.
LAWYER
But you didn't go to bed, did you?
MR. GAFFY
No. No? No.
LAWYER
You checked your e-mail ONE LAST TIME before going to sleep.
MR. GAFFY
Ah, yes, I always do that.
LAWYER
And then you shut down your computer, and you climbed into bed.
MR. GAFFY
Oh god. Yes. It's true.
LAWYER
And then...you slept! You slept like a little baby.
MR. GAFFY
Yes. Yes a very nice sleep.
LAWYER
No further questions!
JUDGE
Mr. Gaffy you may step down.
Mr.Gaffy hesitates for a moment and awkwardly goes to the bench.
JUDGE
I've heard all I need to. Mr. Gaffy I sentence you to death by electric chair. Good day everybody.
MR.GAFFY
Well, what's fair is fair.
JURY
Yay!
THE END.
LAWYER
And so, Mister Gaffy, you walked all the way upstairs.
MR. GAFFY
That's correct.
LAWYER
And then you went INTO THE BATHROOM...
MR. GAFFY
...Yes.
LAWYER
And you brushed your TEETH. ONE brush TWO brush THREE brush FOUR.
MR. GAFFY
Yes. Something like that.
LAWYER
And then you put on your PAJAMAS. What kind of pajamas were they?
MR. GAFFY
Like a...a flannel thing. Comfy.
LAWYER
And then what?
MR. GAFFY
I think I...
LAWYER
YOU THINK?
MR. GAFFY
I went into my bedroom.
LAWYER
But you didn't go to bed, did you?
MR. GAFFY
No. No? No.
LAWYER
You checked your e-mail ONE LAST TIME before going to sleep.
MR. GAFFY
Ah, yes, I always do that.
LAWYER
And then you shut down your computer, and you climbed into bed.
MR. GAFFY
Oh god. Yes. It's true.
LAWYER
And then...you slept! You slept like a little baby.
MR. GAFFY
Yes. Yes a very nice sleep.
LAWYER
No further questions!
JUDGE
Mr. Gaffy you may step down.
Mr.Gaffy hesitates for a moment and awkwardly goes to the bench.
JUDGE
I've heard all I need to. Mr. Gaffy I sentence you to death by electric chair. Good day everybody.
MR.GAFFY
Well, what's fair is fair.
JURY
Yay!
THE END.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Water Slide
EXT. WATER PARK
Kids BRUCE and KENDRA and DAD at water park.
BRUCE
I want to go on the water slide next!
DAD
Hahaha, sure thing. Man, kids love these water slides don't they?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Whatever.
KENDRA
This water slide looks dangerous!
BRUCE
Yeah! Let's go on it!
DAD
Say there uh, water slide man, is this dangerous at all?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Yes.
DAD
Well if the man says it's OK, sure thing kids! Go on!
Bruce and Kendra go down the water slide. The slide is let into a glass acquarium with no top. There are dead children everywhere.
DAD
Hey uhh...can they get out of that thing?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Huh? What? Oh...no. You need a special key to open up the top.
DAD
I, uh, I think my kids are...drowning.
WATER SLIDE GUY
Huh? Yeah. Yeah they drown on this ride.
DAD
My wife's going to kill me! Can you get them out? What if I make it...interesting for you?
Dad slips the guy a $5 bill.
WATER SLIDE GUY
Look sir, it's park policy to empty out the bodies after closing time. Please, you're blocking the line.
3 other little kids go down the slide, yelling happily.
DAD
Ahhh...I hate to go against policy. I'm just going to miss them, you know?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Sir is there something I can help you with or are you done here?
DAD
OH! Sorry, didn't mean to intrude on the business. I'll just make my way back to the parking lot. What was your name again?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Ugh.
DAD
Yes, ok then. I will...probably see ya next summer. This really is a fun place to bring the kids. Maybe I'll bring my niece and nephew.
WATER SLIDE GUY
Alright, NEXT UP.
20 children jump down the water slide.
THE END.
Kids BRUCE and KENDRA and DAD at water park.
BRUCE
I want to go on the water slide next!
DAD
Hahaha, sure thing. Man, kids love these water slides don't they?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Whatever.
KENDRA
This water slide looks dangerous!
BRUCE
Yeah! Let's go on it!
DAD
Say there uh, water slide man, is this dangerous at all?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Yes.
DAD
Well if the man says it's OK, sure thing kids! Go on!
Bruce and Kendra go down the water slide. The slide is let into a glass acquarium with no top. There are dead children everywhere.
DAD
Hey uhh...can they get out of that thing?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Huh? What? Oh...no. You need a special key to open up the top.
DAD
I, uh, I think my kids are...drowning.
WATER SLIDE GUY
Huh? Yeah. Yeah they drown on this ride.
DAD
My wife's going to kill me! Can you get them out? What if I make it...interesting for you?
Dad slips the guy a $5 bill.
WATER SLIDE GUY
Look sir, it's park policy to empty out the bodies after closing time. Please, you're blocking the line.
3 other little kids go down the slide, yelling happily.
DAD
Ahhh...I hate to go against policy. I'm just going to miss them, you know?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Sir is there something I can help you with or are you done here?
DAD
OH! Sorry, didn't mean to intrude on the business. I'll just make my way back to the parking lot. What was your name again?
WATER SLIDE GUY
Ugh.
DAD
Yes, ok then. I will...probably see ya next summer. This really is a fun place to bring the kids. Maybe I'll bring my niece and nephew.
WATER SLIDE GUY
Alright, NEXT UP.
20 children jump down the water slide.
THE END.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Laser Tag
INT. LASER TAG ARENA
A group of guys is doing Laser Tag. REX, the guy in charge, starts talking.
REX
OK guys! Since this is your first time here at Laser Tag-a-torium, we're gonna go over a few rules. Does anyone have a problem with that? Good. Now rule number one, no kissing. There will be NO KISSING on the laser tag floor. This game is about targeting, stealth, and planning. Not about kissing.
Everyone looks at each other.
REX
OK. Rule number 2: Nobody take your panties off. All panties have to be LEFT ON. In fact keep ALL. OF. YOUR. CLOTHES. ON. We wear these special vests so we can tally up the points at the end of the game. We're going to KEEP OUR CLOTHES ON.
Pause.
REX
Alright. Rule number 3. If you have to have sex with each other, do so AFTER THE GAME. Maybe in the bathrooms, in your houses, I DON'T CARE. I don't want to know about it. But nobody has sex in MY lasertag during MY time. I know we all want to have sex, but you could hurt your team by being distracted.
Pause.
REX
Rule number 4: If you HAVE to orgasm somewhere, try to do so in the garbage bins that are located on the SOUTH FAR RIGHT and NORTH FAR LEFT corners of the arena. This game uses black light and nobody wants to see your ejaculate lighting up the room like fireflys. THIS IS A NO EJACULATE AREA.
TEAM MEMBER
Um, excuse me? I think we're good to play. I don't think any of us plan on going against...any of these rules.
REX
Oh really? How long have you been running Laser Tag? 0 years? REALLY. Look. I know the game. I know what happens during the game. I know that tensions flare up, and passion gets out of control. I know some people's girlfriends like to fuck their roommates in the back of the Laser Tag arena where you reload your laser gun during a free game on your birthday. I know all about it.
Everyone looks awkward.
REX
So listen to the rules and THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME, OKAY? Rule number 5: If you must cheat on your boyfriend by the reload station, be prepared to fight. Don't press charges when you end up in the hospital with three broken noses and a bloody ear. This is MY ARENA, and if you VIOLATE it, you will PAY the CONSEQUENCES. Rule number 6: Have a good time gang! Alright, everybody ready? And...GO! GO! GO!
Everyone jumps into action and starts making out with each other and having sex with each other.
THE END.
A group of guys is doing Laser Tag. REX, the guy in charge, starts talking.
REX
OK guys! Since this is your first time here at Laser Tag-a-torium, we're gonna go over a few rules. Does anyone have a problem with that? Good. Now rule number one, no kissing. There will be NO KISSING on the laser tag floor. This game is about targeting, stealth, and planning. Not about kissing.
Everyone looks at each other.
REX
OK. Rule number 2: Nobody take your panties off. All panties have to be LEFT ON. In fact keep ALL. OF. YOUR. CLOTHES. ON. We wear these special vests so we can tally up the points at the end of the game. We're going to KEEP OUR CLOTHES ON.
Pause.
REX
Alright. Rule number 3. If you have to have sex with each other, do so AFTER THE GAME. Maybe in the bathrooms, in your houses, I DON'T CARE. I don't want to know about it. But nobody has sex in MY lasertag during MY time. I know we all want to have sex, but you could hurt your team by being distracted.
Pause.
REX
Rule number 4: If you HAVE to orgasm somewhere, try to do so in the garbage bins that are located on the SOUTH FAR RIGHT and NORTH FAR LEFT corners of the arena. This game uses black light and nobody wants to see your ejaculate lighting up the room like fireflys. THIS IS A NO EJACULATE AREA.
TEAM MEMBER
Um, excuse me? I think we're good to play. I don't think any of us plan on going against...any of these rules.
REX
Oh really? How long have you been running Laser Tag? 0 years? REALLY. Look. I know the game. I know what happens during the game. I know that tensions flare up, and passion gets out of control. I know some people's girlfriends like to fuck their roommates in the back of the Laser Tag arena where you reload your laser gun during a free game on your birthday. I know all about it.
Everyone looks awkward.
REX
So listen to the rules and THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME, OKAY? Rule number 5: If you must cheat on your boyfriend by the reload station, be prepared to fight. Don't press charges when you end up in the hospital with three broken noses and a bloody ear. This is MY ARENA, and if you VIOLATE it, you will PAY the CONSEQUENCES. Rule number 6: Have a good time gang! Alright, everybody ready? And...GO! GO! GO!
Everyone jumps into action and starts making out with each other and having sex with each other.
THE END.
Dream Sketch
INT. McDonalds
MATT
So, this is McDonalds, huh?
DAVE
Yeah, isn't it great!
MATT
Yes it is great. I like the food at McDonalds.
DAVE
Yeah! Hey, you know that book you wrote? It's on fire.
Matt turns and sees a book on fire.
MATT
Oh no, but I spent 10 years writing that book!
DAVE
10 years? You're not even 10 years old!
MATT
What? Wait...something is strange here.
DAVE
Man I'm so full, I think I'm going to throw up.
MATT
Is this...a dream? I'm in a dream aren't I?
DAVE
A dream? You know...I think you're right. This is a dream. We never go to McDonalds.
MATT
So this is a dream...and I KNOW it's a dream. So I can make anything happen now?
DAVE
That may be true. That may be true.
MATT
OK. I want to have sex with every girl in here!
DAVE
....Maybe you have to say it louder.
MATT
Okay. LISTEN SUBCONSCIOUS -- I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY GIRL IN HERE!!!!
DAVE
Nothing's happening. Wait...try this...
Dave whispers in Matt's ear.
MATT
Hm. I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY GUY IN HERE!!
Suddenly all the guys in McDonald's line up in a row and bend over in front of Matt.
MATT
Oh...weird. So this is what I want?
DAVE
Better get started.
MATT
But I don't think I want this. Ok, let me try something simpler. I WANT TO FLY!
Nothing happens.
DAVE
Nothing's happening.
MATT
I WANT TO FLY!
Matt jumps around. Nothing happens. A black man walks into McDonalds and starts screaming.
BLACK MAN
FUCK ALL YOU WHITE MOTHERFUCKERS! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU BITCHES!
MATT
Uhhh
DAVE
That's kind of racist. Are you...racist?
MATT
If your dream is racist does that make you racist?
BLACK MAN
ALL YOU WHITE PEOPLE ARE GONNA DIE.
MATT
Why would I dream this? I don't think I'm racist.
DAVE
I guess you're scared of black people?
MATT
I WANT THIS BLACK MAN TO BE NICE AND NOT SCARY ANYMORE!
The black man charges up to Matt.
BLACK MAN
Hi there sir, may I shine your shoes?
MATT
Ahhhh wait...I didn't mean to make him like...my servant. This isn't what I want...
DAVE
So you're really racist.
MATT
I DON'T WANT ANY BLACK PEOPLE IN MY DREAM!!!
The black guy walks over and bends over like the other men in the dream.
DAVE
Maybe you should just wake up.
MATT
This is so confusing!!!
DAVE
Well I gotta go, I have a date with Laura Prepon.
MATT
From That 70's Show?
DAVE
I guess.
MATT
I WANT TO LEAVE THIS DREAM WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!
Matt wakes up in bed.
MATT
Wow...what a weird dream. Honey...I just had the weirdest dream.
A gorilla wearing a cheerleader outfit comes out of the bathroom, holding an accordion.
GORILLA
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!
THE END.
MATT
So, this is McDonalds, huh?
DAVE
Yeah, isn't it great!
MATT
Yes it is great. I like the food at McDonalds.
DAVE
Yeah! Hey, you know that book you wrote? It's on fire.
Matt turns and sees a book on fire.
MATT
Oh no, but I spent 10 years writing that book!
DAVE
10 years? You're not even 10 years old!
MATT
What? Wait...something is strange here.
DAVE
Man I'm so full, I think I'm going to throw up.
MATT
Is this...a dream? I'm in a dream aren't I?
DAVE
A dream? You know...I think you're right. This is a dream. We never go to McDonalds.
MATT
So this is a dream...and I KNOW it's a dream. So I can make anything happen now?
DAVE
That may be true. That may be true.
MATT
OK. I want to have sex with every girl in here!
DAVE
....Maybe you have to say it louder.
MATT
Okay. LISTEN SUBCONSCIOUS -- I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY GIRL IN HERE!!!!
DAVE
Nothing's happening. Wait...try this...
Dave whispers in Matt's ear.
MATT
Hm. I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY GUY IN HERE!!
Suddenly all the guys in McDonald's line up in a row and bend over in front of Matt.
MATT
Oh...weird. So this is what I want?
DAVE
Better get started.
MATT
But I don't think I want this. Ok, let me try something simpler. I WANT TO FLY!
Nothing happens.
DAVE
Nothing's happening.
MATT
I WANT TO FLY!
Matt jumps around. Nothing happens. A black man walks into McDonalds and starts screaming.
BLACK MAN
FUCK ALL YOU WHITE MOTHERFUCKERS! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU BITCHES!
MATT
Uhhh
DAVE
That's kind of racist. Are you...racist?
MATT
If your dream is racist does that make you racist?
BLACK MAN
ALL YOU WHITE PEOPLE ARE GONNA DIE.
MATT
Why would I dream this? I don't think I'm racist.
DAVE
I guess you're scared of black people?
MATT
I WANT THIS BLACK MAN TO BE NICE AND NOT SCARY ANYMORE!
The black man charges up to Matt.
BLACK MAN
Hi there sir, may I shine your shoes?
MATT
Ahhhh wait...I didn't mean to make him like...my servant. This isn't what I want...
DAVE
So you're really racist.
MATT
I DON'T WANT ANY BLACK PEOPLE IN MY DREAM!!!
The black guy walks over and bends over like the other men in the dream.
DAVE
Maybe you should just wake up.
MATT
This is so confusing!!!
DAVE
Well I gotta go, I have a date with Laura Prepon.
MATT
From That 70's Show?
DAVE
I guess.
MATT
I WANT TO LEAVE THIS DREAM WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!
Matt wakes up in bed.
MATT
Wow...what a weird dream. Honey...I just had the weirdest dream.
A gorilla wearing a cheerleader outfit comes out of the bathroom, holding an accordion.
GORILLA
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!
THE END.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Candy Shop
INT. CANDY STORE
We are in a candy store. MANAGER and CLERK are talking.
MANAGER
GOD DAMN IT! THESE CANDY CANES HAVEN'T MOVED ALL MONTH! TONY! ARE YOU PUSHING THE CANDY CANES?
TONY
Nobody seems to want to buy the candy canes. Even after we made the sign.
Tony takes out a massively giant sign that says "BUY A CANDY CANE MAYBE WHY DON'T YOU?"
MANAGER
BAH!!! That sign has too many words! Make it say... "CANDY CANE: BUY IT, SHMUCK!"
TONY
Oh so just like the gummy bears sign?
MANAGER
YEAH, SHMUCK! And while we're at it...Why aren't you doing the candy dance?
TONY
Ughh...Because it's stupid.
MANAGER
But you gotta do the candy dance for every sale! That's what keeps people coming back!
TONY
But don't you think doing it at EVERY sale is just too much? I mean we get a ton of customers here, people are always buying candy...
MANAGER
DO THE CANDY DANCE!!! NOW!!!!
The manager pulls up a chair and sits in it, ready to be an "audience" for the candy dance. Tony looks at him a disgruntled beat then starts the candy dance. It's a wacky routine with a red and white striped hat, a giant candy cane and involves lots of frolicking and jumping and candy prop shenanigans.
TONY
And that's why we doooo the candy daaaaaaance.
MANAGER
HAHAHAHA! YEAH, YOU GOTTA DO THAT EVERY SALE!
TONY
Alright. Can we at least cut it down? Maybe cut out 2 minutes?
MANAGER
WHY? GOT SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU NEED TO BE?
TONY
Huh, I guess not. I just feel kind of winded doing that 60 times a day.
MANAGER
WELL EAT SOME MORE CANDY! GET YOUR BLOOD SUGAR UP!
A customer walks in.
CUSTOMER
Hi, do you have donuts?
MANAGER
DONUTS?!? DONUTS?
TONY
Are donuts candy?
MANAGER
OF COURSE NOT! GET OUT OF HERE! NO DONUTS HERE! WHAT DO WE LOOK LIKE A KRISPETIE KREMERY OR SOMETHING?
CUSTOMER
My apologies. I'll just show myself out. Hey candy canes!
MANAGER
TOO LATE MISSY! GET OUT!
She runs out.
TONY
Aw man, we had a candy cane sale!
MANAGER
EHH HER MONEY'S NO GOOD HERE. Sometimes I swear, I feel like burning this place to the ground, watching it melt while the rats eat up every last inch of it.
TONY
Heh.
MANAGER
BUUUT THAT JUST ISN'T GOOD BUSINESS. Tony...do the candy dance again, cheer an old man up.
TONY
Maybe I should just go work at Krispy Kreme. I bet they don't make their employees do a "donut dance"
MANAGER
YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!
THE END.
We are in a candy store. MANAGER and CLERK are talking.
MANAGER
GOD DAMN IT! THESE CANDY CANES HAVEN'T MOVED ALL MONTH! TONY! ARE YOU PUSHING THE CANDY CANES?
TONY
Nobody seems to want to buy the candy canes. Even after we made the sign.
Tony takes out a massively giant sign that says "BUY A CANDY CANE MAYBE WHY DON'T YOU?"
MANAGER
BAH!!! That sign has too many words! Make it say... "CANDY CANE: BUY IT, SHMUCK!"
TONY
Oh so just like the gummy bears sign?
MANAGER
YEAH, SHMUCK! And while we're at it...Why aren't you doing the candy dance?
TONY
Ughh...Because it's stupid.
MANAGER
But you gotta do the candy dance for every sale! That's what keeps people coming back!
TONY
But don't you think doing it at EVERY sale is just too much? I mean we get a ton of customers here, people are always buying candy...
MANAGER
DO THE CANDY DANCE!!! NOW!!!!
The manager pulls up a chair and sits in it, ready to be an "audience" for the candy dance. Tony looks at him a disgruntled beat then starts the candy dance. It's a wacky routine with a red and white striped hat, a giant candy cane and involves lots of frolicking and jumping and candy prop shenanigans.
TONY
And that's why we doooo the candy daaaaaaance.
MANAGER
HAHAHAHA! YEAH, YOU GOTTA DO THAT EVERY SALE!
TONY
Alright. Can we at least cut it down? Maybe cut out 2 minutes?
MANAGER
WHY? GOT SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU NEED TO BE?
TONY
Huh, I guess not. I just feel kind of winded doing that 60 times a day.
MANAGER
WELL EAT SOME MORE CANDY! GET YOUR BLOOD SUGAR UP!
A customer walks in.
CUSTOMER
Hi, do you have donuts?
MANAGER
DONUTS?!? DONUTS?
TONY
Are donuts candy?
MANAGER
OF COURSE NOT! GET OUT OF HERE! NO DONUTS HERE! WHAT DO WE LOOK LIKE A KRISPETIE KREMERY OR SOMETHING?
CUSTOMER
My apologies. I'll just show myself out. Hey candy canes!
MANAGER
TOO LATE MISSY! GET OUT!
She runs out.
TONY
Aw man, we had a candy cane sale!
MANAGER
EHH HER MONEY'S NO GOOD HERE. Sometimes I swear, I feel like burning this place to the ground, watching it melt while the rats eat up every last inch of it.
TONY
Heh.
MANAGER
BUUUT THAT JUST ISN'T GOOD BUSINESS. Tony...do the candy dance again, cheer an old man up.
TONY
Maybe I should just go work at Krispy Kreme. I bet they don't make their employees do a "donut dance"
MANAGER
YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!
THE END.
Charles in the Forest
EXT. FOREST
CHARLES and AMANDA are walking in a forest. Charles stops.
CHARLES
Look at that tree! That's the biggest tree I ever did see!
AMANDA
Yeah, it's a big tree.
CHARLES
That I ever did see! Let's go inside!
AMANDA
Uhh...inside?
CHARLES
Look, there's a squirrel hole! LET'S GO INSIDE THE TREE!
AMANDA
That whole is about as big as your fist. Let's just keep walking, we're almost back home.
CHARLES
NO...Something about this forest...it's just so magical. It's so...well it just makes me want to sing a song! A magical forest song!
AMANDA
That's great Charles, really. Let's go. Come on.
CHARLES (singing)
Oh the creatures in the forest / they're all just like us....
AMANDA
Um.
CHARLES
They scamper all around / and they burrow into the ground
And the fairies and elves look like ourselves
They live in our hearts, they come out in the dark
Charles scoops up a handful of leaves and dumps them on Amanda's head
AMANDA
Arggh!
CHARLES
Taste these leaves or dip them in your tea
Lick the sap off the cherry tree
The forest is a place for youuuuuu
aaaaaaand
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
AMANDA
That was really, really nice Charles. Now stop it.
CHARLES
I think I'm going to just stay here.
AMANDA
No?
CHARLES
Just go on without me. My home is here now.
AMANDA
So this is why mom told me never to take you to the forest...
CHARLES
YES...THE EVIL WITCH OF THE HOUSE HAS KEPT ME FROM THE TREES SINCE I WAS THREE.
AMANDA
Oh not again with the rhyming.
CHARLES
GO AMANDA. LEAVE ME BE. Wait...I must give you something before you go.
Charles digs into the ground.
CHARLES
Here.
AMANDA
This is a...dead sparrow?
CHARLES
Bring him home. Take care of him.
AMANDA (giving up)
Okay. I'll see you later. Say hi to the...squirrels for me.
CHARLES
Ahh you'll have to try much harder than that to win the favor of the squirrels! They're definitely a --
AMANDA (interrupting)
Ok, whatever.
Amanda leaves.
THE END (?)
CHARLES and AMANDA are walking in a forest. Charles stops.
CHARLES
Look at that tree! That's the biggest tree I ever did see!
AMANDA
Yeah, it's a big tree.
CHARLES
That I ever did see! Let's go inside!
AMANDA
Uhh...inside?
CHARLES
Look, there's a squirrel hole! LET'S GO INSIDE THE TREE!
AMANDA
That whole is about as big as your fist. Let's just keep walking, we're almost back home.
CHARLES
NO...Something about this forest...it's just so magical. It's so...well it just makes me want to sing a song! A magical forest song!
AMANDA
That's great Charles, really. Let's go. Come on.
CHARLES (singing)
Oh the creatures in the forest / they're all just like us....
AMANDA
Um.
CHARLES
They scamper all around / and they burrow into the ground
And the fairies and elves look like ourselves
They live in our hearts, they come out in the dark
Charles scoops up a handful of leaves and dumps them on Amanda's head
AMANDA
Arggh!
CHARLES
Taste these leaves or dip them in your tea
Lick the sap off the cherry tree
The forest is a place for youuuuuu
aaaaaaand
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
AMANDA
That was really, really nice Charles. Now stop it.
CHARLES
I think I'm going to just stay here.
AMANDA
No?
CHARLES
Just go on without me. My home is here now.
AMANDA
So this is why mom told me never to take you to the forest...
CHARLES
YES...THE EVIL WITCH OF THE HOUSE HAS KEPT ME FROM THE TREES SINCE I WAS THREE.
AMANDA
Oh not again with the rhyming.
CHARLES
GO AMANDA. LEAVE ME BE. Wait...I must give you something before you go.
Charles digs into the ground.
CHARLES
Here.
AMANDA
This is a...dead sparrow?
CHARLES
Bring him home. Take care of him.
AMANDA (giving up)
Okay. I'll see you later. Say hi to the...squirrels for me.
CHARLES
Ahh you'll have to try much harder than that to win the favor of the squirrels! They're definitely a --
AMANDA (interrupting)
Ok, whatever.
Amanda leaves.
THE END (?)
Friday, September 25, 2009
Donna's Indifference
INT. Restaurant
ERIC and DONNA are on a first date.
ERIC
So this is good, right?
DONNA
Ah..hmm?
ERIC
The restaurant...good choice?
DONNA
Oh yeah, I mean, anything's good. I am not a picky girl.
ERIC
Oh cool. Very down to earth.
DONNA
Yep, I'm up for anything! I'll eat anywhere. Very easy to please.
ERIC
That's...good.
DONNA
Eat anywhere, with anyone. I don't care. It's all the same to me.
ERIC
Really.
DONNA
Yep, you can't impress me, because I don't care. You could be anyone right now...tall, short, fat, ugly, whatever. I'll date you, why the hell not?
ERIC
Well...don't I feel...special.
WAITER
Hello there, are you ready to order?
DONNA
Sure, I'll just have any old bullshit, whatever.
ERIC
I need another minute to decide.
WAITER
Hmph.
ERIC
Donna, I'm getting the sense that you're kind of...what's the word...indifferent?
DONNA
To what?
ERIC
Well everything I guess, but specifically, me?
DONNA
Oh no no, not at all. You're awesome.
Donna drinks from her glass of water.
DONNA
Mmmm, this glass of water is AWESOME.
ERIC
Alright, whatever. Let's just get this god damn date over with.
DONNA
Exactly.
FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER!
ERIC (checking his watch, confirming it's the end of the date)
And the date ends...now.
DONNA
See ya.
ERIC
Bye.
They both run away from the table in opposite directions, throwing their food in the air as they take off.
THE END.
ERIC and DONNA are on a first date.
ERIC
So this is good, right?
DONNA
Ah..hmm?
ERIC
The restaurant...good choice?
DONNA
Oh yeah, I mean, anything's good. I am not a picky girl.
ERIC
Oh cool. Very down to earth.
DONNA
Yep, I'm up for anything! I'll eat anywhere. Very easy to please.
ERIC
That's...good.
DONNA
Eat anywhere, with anyone. I don't care. It's all the same to me.
ERIC
Really.
DONNA
Yep, you can't impress me, because I don't care. You could be anyone right now...tall, short, fat, ugly, whatever. I'll date you, why the hell not?
ERIC
Well...don't I feel...special.
WAITER
Hello there, are you ready to order?
DONNA
Sure, I'll just have any old bullshit, whatever.
ERIC
I need another minute to decide.
WAITER
Hmph.
ERIC
Donna, I'm getting the sense that you're kind of...what's the word...indifferent?
DONNA
To what?
ERIC
Well everything I guess, but specifically, me?
DONNA
Oh no no, not at all. You're awesome.
Donna drinks from her glass of water.
DONNA
Mmmm, this glass of water is AWESOME.
ERIC
Alright, whatever. Let's just get this god damn date over with.
DONNA
Exactly.
FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER!
ERIC (checking his watch, confirming it's the end of the date)
And the date ends...now.
DONNA
See ya.
ERIC
Bye.
They both run away from the table in opposite directions, throwing their food in the air as they take off.
THE END.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
DVD Commentary
INT. Recording studio
People are recording a DVD commentary track.
ENGINEER
Alright guys, so we're gonna go ahead with recording this commentary track. We try to do these things in one take, so just relax, have fun with it, and try to keep the dialogue consistent.
DIRECTOR
No problem.
ACTOR
Yep yep.
ENGINEER
And...we're rolling.
DIRECTOR
Ok, so this here is the OPENING CREDITS for the movie.
ACTOR
They are beautiful.
DIRECTOR
Some graphic design guy did these fucking things.
ACTOR
Looks good to me.
DIRECTOR
Yeah. Hey there's your name buddy!
ACTOR
My fucking name, right there!
ENGINEER
Uh...Hey guys, I'm going to stop this for a second. I just want to make sure you guys understand...this is going on the DVD.
DIRECTOR
Yeah, man.
ENGINEER
Okaaay...it's just...this is commentary for Petey the Antelope's Picnic Adventure. You know...little kid movie?
DIRECTOR
Well if they are INTERESTED in the PROCESS they must get an HONEST and truthful commentary from the ARTISTS.
ENGINEER
No no, you can be as honest as you want, it's just...the language?
ACTOR
English?
ENGINEER
The cursing. Please keep this down. I mean, we can bleep you in post production but I'd rather it not come to that, you know?
DIRECTOR
Sure. PROCEED. Please.
ENGINEER
Alright...we are a go.
DIRECTOR
Ahh, and so my children, the movie begins.
ACTOR
Ah we have Rose McGowan here doing the voice of Missy Antelope.
DIRECTOR
Beautiful, beautiful woman.
ACTOR
You know, me and her...we...heh heh...remember that day I wouldn't come out of my trailer?
DIRECTOR
You fucked her? You fucked her?
The enginner gives him a frantic look.
DIRECTOR
Oh, SORRY. You...had sex with Rose McGowan?
ACTOR
Yep. She is a FREAK.
DIRECTOR
Well I should know...I had sex with her too!
ACTOR
What!? Hahaha.
DIRECTOR
Me and you should have teamed up on her, that would be something to write home about!
ENGINEER
OK guys, seriously? Little kids don't want to hear about this stuff...I don't want to hear about this stuff. Can we please keep it clean?
ACTOR
We weren't cursing!
ENGINEER
Don't talk about things of a graphic, sexual nature on Petey the Antelope's Picnic Adventure, alright?
DIRECTOR
How the hell are we supposed to fill up 70 minutes of this thing?
ENGINEER
NOT. MY. PROBLEM. We're rolling.
DIRECTOR
Ah, here we go, the big wake up scene. We have Petey's mommy waking him up to go to school.
ACTOR
I had to practice yawning for several days before we recorded this. I had a yawn coach.
DIRECTOR
Oh well it paid off. Hey, you don't have any coke on you do you?
ACTOR
Oh sure right here.
DIRECTOR
SNORRRRRRRRRRT
ACTOR
SNOOOORRRRRRRRRTTTTTT
ENGINEER
OH MY GOD! You guys can't snort coke on a DVD commentary!
DIRECTOR
YOU WANT SOME OF THIS SHIT?
ENGINEER
How did you guys even get this movie together? Jesus christ! Fine, do what you want. The studio will have to judge the results on their own. I just press the "record" button.
DIRECTOR
PETEY YOU BEAUTIFUL BITCH YOU BETTER NOT RUIN THAT FUCKING PICNIC
ACTOR (vomits)
BLARGHGHGHGHG
THE END.
People are recording a DVD commentary track.
ENGINEER
Alright guys, so we're gonna go ahead with recording this commentary track. We try to do these things in one take, so just relax, have fun with it, and try to keep the dialogue consistent.
DIRECTOR
No problem.
ACTOR
Yep yep.
ENGINEER
And...we're rolling.
DIRECTOR
Ok, so this here is the OPENING CREDITS for the movie.
ACTOR
They are beautiful.
DIRECTOR
Some graphic design guy did these fucking things.
ACTOR
Looks good to me.
DIRECTOR
Yeah. Hey there's your name buddy!
ACTOR
My fucking name, right there!
ENGINEER
Uh...Hey guys, I'm going to stop this for a second. I just want to make sure you guys understand...this is going on the DVD.
DIRECTOR
Yeah, man.
ENGINEER
Okaaay...it's just...this is commentary for Petey the Antelope's Picnic Adventure. You know...little kid movie?
DIRECTOR
Well if they are INTERESTED in the PROCESS they must get an HONEST and truthful commentary from the ARTISTS.
ENGINEER
No no, you can be as honest as you want, it's just...the language?
ACTOR
English?
ENGINEER
The cursing. Please keep this down. I mean, we can bleep you in post production but I'd rather it not come to that, you know?
DIRECTOR
Sure. PROCEED. Please.
ENGINEER
Alright...we are a go.
DIRECTOR
Ahh, and so my children, the movie begins.
ACTOR
Ah we have Rose McGowan here doing the voice of Missy Antelope.
DIRECTOR
Beautiful, beautiful woman.
ACTOR
You know, me and her...we...heh heh...remember that day I wouldn't come out of my trailer?
DIRECTOR
You fucked her? You fucked her?
The enginner gives him a frantic look.
DIRECTOR
Oh, SORRY. You...had sex with Rose McGowan?
ACTOR
Yep. She is a FREAK.
DIRECTOR
Well I should know...I had sex with her too!
ACTOR
What!? Hahaha.
DIRECTOR
Me and you should have teamed up on her, that would be something to write home about!
ENGINEER
OK guys, seriously? Little kids don't want to hear about this stuff...I don't want to hear about this stuff. Can we please keep it clean?
ACTOR
We weren't cursing!
ENGINEER
Don't talk about things of a graphic, sexual nature on Petey the Antelope's Picnic Adventure, alright?
DIRECTOR
How the hell are we supposed to fill up 70 minutes of this thing?
ENGINEER
NOT. MY. PROBLEM. We're rolling.
DIRECTOR
Ah, here we go, the big wake up scene. We have Petey's mommy waking him up to go to school.
ACTOR
I had to practice yawning for several days before we recorded this. I had a yawn coach.
DIRECTOR
Oh well it paid off. Hey, you don't have any coke on you do you?
ACTOR
Oh sure right here.
DIRECTOR
SNORRRRRRRRRRT
ACTOR
SNOOOORRRRRRRRRTTTTTT
ENGINEER
OH MY GOD! You guys can't snort coke on a DVD commentary!
DIRECTOR
YOU WANT SOME OF THIS SHIT?
ENGINEER
How did you guys even get this movie together? Jesus christ! Fine, do what you want. The studio will have to judge the results on their own. I just press the "record" button.
DIRECTOR
PETEY YOU BEAUTIFUL BITCH YOU BETTER NOT RUIN THAT FUCKING PICNIC
ACTOR (vomits)
BLARGHGHGHGHG
THE END.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Mosquito Farm
EXT. MOSQUITO FARM
A farmer is showing some kids around the mosquito farm.
FARMER
Well here we are at the old mosquito farm! Yep, the government tried to shut us down but we're still kickin', breeding hundreds of millions of mosquitoes and letting them loose on our fragile lil' ecosystem!
BILLY
AUGH!!!! My face!
FARMER
Well looks like someone's made a friend or two! Don't worry son, if you leave THEM alone, they'll leave YOU alone.
Billy falls down dead.
FARMER
Or am I thinkin' of honeybees? Oh yeah, that's true, mosquitoes will attack a corpse if it got two drops of blood left in 'er!
SUSIE
My arm! My arm!
Susie's arm is covered in 200 mosquitoes.
FARMER
Ain't you just the cutest little pumpkin pie? What's your name?
Susie falls down dead.
FARMER
Allergic to mosquitoes I imagine. Well let me continue the tour, that school of yours didn't pay me for nothin...So now if you look over at this building, this is our Breeding Castle, sort of like a little motel for mosquitoes to go about their business, packed with pheromones and chemicals to make sure they breed 50 times as much as usual.
A kid, PETER runs into it.
FARMER
Oh now Peter I wouldn't go running in there...
A distsnt scream
FARMER
Aaaaand he's dead. Yeah they will just cover a young man head to toe who runs in there. Bleed you dry, they will.
Pause.
FARMER
And it looks like I'm out of kids. And I didn't even get to show them the giant mosquitoes!
Three giant mosquitoes walk on with tennis rackets.
FARMER
Gonna be a good game today, boys!
MOSQUITOES
BZZZZZ.
THE END.
A farmer is showing some kids around the mosquito farm.
FARMER
Well here we are at the old mosquito farm! Yep, the government tried to shut us down but we're still kickin', breeding hundreds of millions of mosquitoes and letting them loose on our fragile lil' ecosystem!
BILLY
AUGH!!!! My face!
FARMER
Well looks like someone's made a friend or two! Don't worry son, if you leave THEM alone, they'll leave YOU alone.
Billy falls down dead.
FARMER
Or am I thinkin' of honeybees? Oh yeah, that's true, mosquitoes will attack a corpse if it got two drops of blood left in 'er!
SUSIE
My arm! My arm!
Susie's arm is covered in 200 mosquitoes.
FARMER
Ain't you just the cutest little pumpkin pie? What's your name?
Susie falls down dead.
FARMER
Allergic to mosquitoes I imagine. Well let me continue the tour, that school of yours didn't pay me for nothin...So now if you look over at this building, this is our Breeding Castle, sort of like a little motel for mosquitoes to go about their business, packed with pheromones and chemicals to make sure they breed 50 times as much as usual.
A kid, PETER runs into it.
FARMER
Oh now Peter I wouldn't go running in there...
A distsnt scream
FARMER
Aaaaand he's dead. Yeah they will just cover a young man head to toe who runs in there. Bleed you dry, they will.
Pause.
FARMER
And it looks like I'm out of kids. And I didn't even get to show them the giant mosquitoes!
Three giant mosquitoes walk on with tennis rackets.
FARMER
Gonna be a good game today, boys!
MOSQUITOES
BZZZZZ.
THE END.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Nick's Road Rage
EXT. STREET.
NICK is driving his car with his wife MARLA. Nick starts honking horn.
NICK
God damn it!! Look at this guy! GREEN LIGHT MEANS GO ASSHOLE!! GO! Some people aren't just driving for fun and are actually trying to GET TO A DESTINATION.
HONK. HONK.
NICK
Move your shitty car, stupid!! Ahaah. One or two inches ain't gonna do it! You gotta keep going! YOU GOTTA KEEP DRIVING YOUR CAR DOWN THE STREET, as good citizens do! MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR, SHIT-FUCK! MOVE YOUR FUCKING FUCK OF A CAR!! Ah, there you go. There you -- wait. Don't move backwards. Don't do that!
The car in front of them is moving backwards and hits Nick's car. The car is now pushing Nick's car backwards as well.
NICK
Woh! Hey, where are we going? What the hell! Stop pushing me backwards!! Oh no! Hey we're passing our house again! HEY MISTER STOP DOING THIS! Oh no! We're heading towards the ocean! SIR PLEASE STOP PUSHING US TOWARDS THE OCEAN.
The cars are on a beach and going towards the water.
NICK
Oh no, we're in the water! MISTER STOP! Oh god, water is getting in the car!
The other car stopped pushing and drives away, but now Nick's car is too far in the water to drive out.
NICK
I'm drifting out to sea! Honey, this is crazy! Looks like you're going to miss your haircut!
MARLA (thick long island accent)
Oh GAWD DAMN IT!
THE END
NICK is driving his car with his wife MARLA. Nick starts honking horn.
NICK
God damn it!! Look at this guy! GREEN LIGHT MEANS GO ASSHOLE!! GO! Some people aren't just driving for fun and are actually trying to GET TO A DESTINATION.
HONK. HONK.
NICK
Move your shitty car, stupid!! Ahaah. One or two inches ain't gonna do it! You gotta keep going! YOU GOTTA KEEP DRIVING YOUR CAR DOWN THE STREET, as good citizens do! MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR, SHIT-FUCK! MOVE YOUR FUCKING FUCK OF A CAR!! Ah, there you go. There you -- wait. Don't move backwards. Don't do that!
The car in front of them is moving backwards and hits Nick's car. The car is now pushing Nick's car backwards as well.
NICK
Woh! Hey, where are we going? What the hell! Stop pushing me backwards!! Oh no! Hey we're passing our house again! HEY MISTER STOP DOING THIS! Oh no! We're heading towards the ocean! SIR PLEASE STOP PUSHING US TOWARDS THE OCEAN.
The cars are on a beach and going towards the water.
NICK
Oh no, we're in the water! MISTER STOP! Oh god, water is getting in the car!
The other car stopped pushing and drives away, but now Nick's car is too far in the water to drive out.
NICK
I'm drifting out to sea! Honey, this is crazy! Looks like you're going to miss your haircut!
MARLA (thick long island accent)
Oh GAWD DAMN IT!
THE END
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Steve Sneezes
EXT. PARK
DAN and STEVE are in a park. STEVE sneezes.
STEVE
Ahhh...ahhh...CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO!!!!
DAN
Uh...bless you?
STEVE
Whew! Thanks.
DAN
So...that's how you sneeze, huh?
STEVE
Wha? Yeah, must be allergic to the plants or something.
DAN
Do you sneeze like that all the time?
STEVE
Well...I sneeze when something irritates my nasal passages.
DAN
No, I know, but...like that?
STEVE
Like wha...Ahhh...AHH
DAN
Oh no.
STEVE
AHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO GOOCHY GOOCHY GOO!!!
DAN
Do you sneeze like that on dates?
STEVE
Well like, yeah, I've sneezed on dates.
DAN
And the girls never call you back, do they.
STEVE
Not a single one. What sluts!
DAN
Maybe you should see a doctor?
STEVE
About what? About my...Ahhh...AHHH....AHHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO POOPOOO DOODOOO PEEPEE WAWAWA!!!!!!!
DAN
Doodoo peepee? Seriously?
STEVE
HUH? I am completely oblivious to what you are trying to tell me right now.
DAN
Yeah, I've noticed. It's kind of irritating.
STEVE
Well I'm an irritating guy.
DAN
I'm deleting your number from my phone.
THE END.
DAN and STEVE are in a park. STEVE sneezes.
STEVE
Ahhh...ahhh...CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO!!!!
DAN
Uh...bless you?
STEVE
Whew! Thanks.
DAN
So...that's how you sneeze, huh?
STEVE
Wha? Yeah, must be allergic to the plants or something.
DAN
Do you sneeze like that all the time?
STEVE
Well...I sneeze when something irritates my nasal passages.
DAN
No, I know, but...like that?
STEVE
Like wha...Ahhh...AHH
DAN
Oh no.
STEVE
AHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO GOOCHY GOOCHY GOO!!!
DAN
Do you sneeze like that on dates?
STEVE
Well like, yeah, I've sneezed on dates.
DAN
And the girls never call you back, do they.
STEVE
Not a single one. What sluts!
DAN
Maybe you should see a doctor?
STEVE
About what? About my...Ahhh...AHHH....AHHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO POOPOOO DOODOOO PEEPEE WAWAWA!!!!!!!
DAN
Doodoo peepee? Seriously?
STEVE
HUH? I am completely oblivious to what you are trying to tell me right now.
DAN
Yeah, I've noticed. It's kind of irritating.
STEVE
Well I'm an irritating guy.
DAN
I'm deleting your number from my phone.
THE END.
Haunted House Ride
EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK
A MOM and her two children, SALLY and JIMMY, are in line for a haunted house ride.
MOM
My goodness these lines take forever!
SALLY
I don't want to go on this ride! I'm scared of ghosts!
JIMMY
There aren't real ghosts! It's just people in costumes!
SALLY
I'm afraid of that too!
MOM
We've been on this line for 45 minutes, WE ARE GOING ON THIS RIDE.
SALLY
But I heard inside there's a man with a chainsaw! I don't like chainsaws!!
JIMMY
A chainsaw!? Is the man going to cut us up, mom?
MOM
Probably not. Hey we're almost next in line!
SALLY
I DON'T WANT TO GO I'M SCARED OF DYING!
MOM
We're all scared of dying, Sally. Just get on the ride.
JIMMY
Yeah, get on the ride!! Don't you want to DIE?!
SALLY
NO!!!
MOM
It's just a ride, you won't die for a very long time. Nobody has died on a haunted house ride.
RIDE OPERATOR
Actually uh, there have been a few casualties throughout the years on this particular ride. Decapitations, suffocations, castrations...
MOM
Oh! And it's still operational?
RIDE OPERATOR
Oh this has been checked out up and down for safety violations. There hasn't been an accident for four months, tops.
MOM
JUST GET ON THE RIDE SALLY! AND JIMMY, PROTECT YOUR SISTER FROM THE CHAINSAW MAN.
The two children get on the ride.
RIDE OPERATOR
Say uh, ain't you gonna get on the ride with the little tykes?
MOM
Oh, what would be the point of that. So...working a haunted house ride must be tough on a big, strong man like yourself...
While the mom flirts, the operator, flustered, pulls the lever and the ride goes off the tracks and falls off a cliff.
CHILDREN
AUGGHH!!!!
THE END.
A MOM and her two children, SALLY and JIMMY, are in line for a haunted house ride.
MOM
My goodness these lines take forever!
SALLY
I don't want to go on this ride! I'm scared of ghosts!
JIMMY
There aren't real ghosts! It's just people in costumes!
SALLY
I'm afraid of that too!
MOM
We've been on this line for 45 minutes, WE ARE GOING ON THIS RIDE.
SALLY
But I heard inside there's a man with a chainsaw! I don't like chainsaws!!
JIMMY
A chainsaw!? Is the man going to cut us up, mom?
MOM
Probably not. Hey we're almost next in line!
SALLY
I DON'T WANT TO GO I'M SCARED OF DYING!
MOM
We're all scared of dying, Sally. Just get on the ride.
JIMMY
Yeah, get on the ride!! Don't you want to DIE?!
SALLY
NO!!!
MOM
It's just a ride, you won't die for a very long time. Nobody has died on a haunted house ride.
RIDE OPERATOR
Actually uh, there have been a few casualties throughout the years on this particular ride. Decapitations, suffocations, castrations...
MOM
Oh! And it's still operational?
RIDE OPERATOR
Oh this has been checked out up and down for safety violations. There hasn't been an accident for four months, tops.
MOM
JUST GET ON THE RIDE SALLY! AND JIMMY, PROTECT YOUR SISTER FROM THE CHAINSAW MAN.
The two children get on the ride.
RIDE OPERATOR
Say uh, ain't you gonna get on the ride with the little tykes?
MOM
Oh, what would be the point of that. So...working a haunted house ride must be tough on a big, strong man like yourself...
While the mom flirts, the operator, flustered, pulls the lever and the ride goes off the tracks and falls off a cliff.
CHILDREN
AUGGHH!!!!
THE END.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Ben's Castle
INT. CASTLE
BEN and JERRY are walking into Ben's new castle.
BEN
So this is my new place!
JERRY
Wow, a castle! I mean...wow. A CASTLE!
BEN
Yep, my own castle! Wanna see something cool?
Ben pulls a lever on the side of the wall. Crocodiles on strings hang down from the ceiling.
JERRY
WOW!!!!
BEN
Yeah, in case someone is giving me trouble, KA-JINK, this lever goes down and the crocodiles bite their head off.
JERRY
So do you have to like, feed them?
BEN
I dunno. Hey, check this out.
Ben takes his pants and underwear off.
JERRY
What the fuck?
Ben goes to a hole in the castle wall and starts having sex with it.
BEN
It's got a fuck hole!!!
JERRY
A fuck hole!?
BEN
Yeah, man! These old castles are full of them!
JERRY
You sure that's not just like...a hole? A regular old hole, like from the granite decaying?
BEN
No man! It's a fuck hole! Read your Shakespeare!
JERRY
I really don't want to watch you doing this. Why don't you show me the library or something? You said they had a huge crazy library...
BEN
Oh OK, sure. The library has some REALLY tight fuck holes.
JERRY
Ugh no, no more fuck holes! When you told me you moved into a castle I thought there would be all these cool secret passageways and stuff.
BEN
Well, in a way, these fuck holes ARE secret passageways.
JERRY
Look, I gotta head out. Meet me outside by the moat when you're done.
BEN
Just don't drink the water! You know where all these fuck holes drain into, right?
JERRY
Blurghghgh.
THE END.
BEN and JERRY are walking into Ben's new castle.
BEN
So this is my new place!
JERRY
Wow, a castle! I mean...wow. A CASTLE!
BEN
Yep, my own castle! Wanna see something cool?
Ben pulls a lever on the side of the wall. Crocodiles on strings hang down from the ceiling.
JERRY
WOW!!!!
BEN
Yeah, in case someone is giving me trouble, KA-JINK, this lever goes down and the crocodiles bite their head off.
JERRY
So do you have to like, feed them?
BEN
I dunno. Hey, check this out.
Ben takes his pants and underwear off.
JERRY
What the fuck?
Ben goes to a hole in the castle wall and starts having sex with it.
BEN
It's got a fuck hole!!!
JERRY
A fuck hole!?
BEN
Yeah, man! These old castles are full of them!
JERRY
You sure that's not just like...a hole? A regular old hole, like from the granite decaying?
BEN
No man! It's a fuck hole! Read your Shakespeare!
JERRY
I really don't want to watch you doing this. Why don't you show me the library or something? You said they had a huge crazy library...
BEN
Oh OK, sure. The library has some REALLY tight fuck holes.
JERRY
Ugh no, no more fuck holes! When you told me you moved into a castle I thought there would be all these cool secret passageways and stuff.
BEN
Well, in a way, these fuck holes ARE secret passageways.
JERRY
Look, I gotta head out. Meet me outside by the moat when you're done.
BEN
Just don't drink the water! You know where all these fuck holes drain into, right?
JERRY
Blurghghgh.
THE END.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Movie Theater Patrons
INT. MOVIE THEATER
A bunch of friends are seeing a movie.
DOUG
I heard this movie was THE SHIT.
CHRIS
I heard this movie IS SHIT.
PAMELA
I never HEARD of this MOVIE.
OLD GUY
Will you kids shut up!?
DOUG
I heard that old guy behind us SHIT HIMSELF
CHRIS
I heard that old guy behind us was gay as SHIT.
PAMELA
What old guy behind us?
DOUG
HEY THE MOVIE IS STARTING.
The movie starts. You hear an orchestral score.
CHRIS
What's with all these words?
DOUG
Yeah I don't get it, HUH?
PAMELA
Are these real words?
OLD GUY
They're the opening credits you retards!!
DOUG
SHUT UP!
CHRIS
So they're like...names?
PAMELA
Are our names going to come up?
CHRIS
OH SHIT! That's awesome!
OLD GUY
They're names of people who worked on the movie! Jesus!
DOUG
SHUT UP! Oh ok, the words are going away!
CHRIS
I THINK THE MOVIE IS STARTING, YOU GUYS! HEY OLD GUY! THE MOVIE IS STARTING!
OLD GUY
Stop talking!
DOUG
What's that??
CHRIS
Huh!?!?
PAMELA
Is that a house?
DOUG
Who's house is that??!?
CHRIS
That's not MY house.
PAMELA
It's not MY house.
DOUG
It's not --
OLD GUY
Oh my god, it's not any of your houses! It's a movie! We'll find out who's house it is in 2 seconds!
DOUG
Hey I think it's that woman's house.
PAMELA
Ooh, she's pretty.
CHRIS (to movie screen)
Hey baby, what's your phone number? Let me get it. Let me get it.
DOUG
HAHA she's totally ignoring you!
CHRIS
Baby. Let me get it. Let me get it.
OLD GUY
It's a movie! She can't hear you!
CHRIS
STOP FUCKING COCK BLOCKING ME, OLD GUY.
PAMELA
Hey look, is that her husband?
CHRIS
Oh shit, she's married.
Chris ducks down.
DOUG
What are they talking about?
CHRIS
I don't know!!!
PAMELA
It's like they're talking about something...or something!!
OLD GUY
SHUT UP AND JUST WATCH THE MOVIE!
DOUG
Is that a window on the house?
CHRIS
No, you fucking stupid shit, it's not a...oh yeah, that's a window.
PAMELA
That's a NICE window. It's big.
DOUG
THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!!!!
OLD GUY
Oh my fucking god, forget this, I'm leaving.
CHRIS
Oh look the old guy is bidding us adieu.
PAMELA
What old guy?
CHRIS
Hey look at the movie!! They're walking into another room in the house!
PAMELA
HUH!??!?
DOUG
I think they're walking to the kitchen???
PAMELA
WHAT?!?
CHRIS
YEAH THEY'RE WALKING TO THE KITCHEN, MAYBE TO GET FOOD?!?
PAMELA
I DON'T GET IT.
DOUG
Is this a fucking artsy movie or something??
CHRIS
Fuck this shit let's leave. Fucking bullshit art.
They leave the theater. Outside the OLD GUY is complaining to the box office girl.
OLD GUY
They were talking and ruining the movie! I want my money back!
BOX OFFICE GIRL
Oh is that the movie with the house with the big windows and the guy and the girl walk into a kitchen!?!!?
THE END.
A bunch of friends are seeing a movie.
DOUG
I heard this movie was THE SHIT.
CHRIS
I heard this movie IS SHIT.
PAMELA
I never HEARD of this MOVIE.
OLD GUY
Will you kids shut up!?
DOUG
I heard that old guy behind us SHIT HIMSELF
CHRIS
I heard that old guy behind us was gay as SHIT.
PAMELA
What old guy behind us?
DOUG
HEY THE MOVIE IS STARTING.
The movie starts. You hear an orchestral score.
CHRIS
What's with all these words?
DOUG
Yeah I don't get it, HUH?
PAMELA
Are these real words?
OLD GUY
They're the opening credits you retards!!
DOUG
SHUT UP!
CHRIS
So they're like...names?
PAMELA
Are our names going to come up?
CHRIS
OH SHIT! That's awesome!
OLD GUY
They're names of people who worked on the movie! Jesus!
DOUG
SHUT UP! Oh ok, the words are going away!
CHRIS
I THINK THE MOVIE IS STARTING, YOU GUYS! HEY OLD GUY! THE MOVIE IS STARTING!
OLD GUY
Stop talking!
DOUG
What's that??
CHRIS
Huh!?!?
PAMELA
Is that a house?
DOUG
Who's house is that??!?
CHRIS
That's not MY house.
PAMELA
It's not MY house.
DOUG
It's not --
OLD GUY
Oh my god, it's not any of your houses! It's a movie! We'll find out who's house it is in 2 seconds!
DOUG
Hey I think it's that woman's house.
PAMELA
Ooh, she's pretty.
CHRIS (to movie screen)
Hey baby, what's your phone number? Let me get it. Let me get it.
DOUG
HAHA she's totally ignoring you!
CHRIS
Baby. Let me get it. Let me get it.
OLD GUY
It's a movie! She can't hear you!
CHRIS
STOP FUCKING COCK BLOCKING ME, OLD GUY.
PAMELA
Hey look, is that her husband?
CHRIS
Oh shit, she's married.
Chris ducks down.
DOUG
What are they talking about?
CHRIS
I don't know!!!
PAMELA
It's like they're talking about something...or something!!
OLD GUY
SHUT UP AND JUST WATCH THE MOVIE!
DOUG
Is that a window on the house?
CHRIS
No, you fucking stupid shit, it's not a...oh yeah, that's a window.
PAMELA
That's a NICE window. It's big.
DOUG
THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!!!!
OLD GUY
Oh my fucking god, forget this, I'm leaving.
CHRIS
Oh look the old guy is bidding us adieu.
PAMELA
What old guy?
CHRIS
Hey look at the movie!! They're walking into another room in the house!
PAMELA
HUH!??!?
DOUG
I think they're walking to the kitchen???
PAMELA
WHAT?!?
CHRIS
YEAH THEY'RE WALKING TO THE KITCHEN, MAYBE TO GET FOOD?!?
PAMELA
I DON'T GET IT.
DOUG
Is this a fucking artsy movie or something??
CHRIS
Fuck this shit let's leave. Fucking bullshit art.
They leave the theater. Outside the OLD GUY is complaining to the box office girl.
OLD GUY
They were talking and ruining the movie! I want my money back!
BOX OFFICE GIRL
Oh is that the movie with the house with the big windows and the guy and the girl walk into a kitchen!?!!?
THE END.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Joey's Noose
INT. BEDROOM
JOEY is standing with a noose, about to hang himself.
JOEY
This is it man. This is your big moment. Time to hang yourself. Time to die. This will show them. This will show all of them! They thought I couldn't tie a noose, but I SHOWED THEM. Look how well I tied it. Now it's going to help me die. Yep. I should name this noose, it's so well knotted. I should give it a PRETTY NAME. How about Lyla? Lyla the Noose. Me and Lyla, together forever. Looks like I'm not dying alone after all. Looks like things are starting to look pretty awesome for Joey.
Joey slips the noose around his neck.
JOEY
Yep. There it is. Nice and tight. Won't snap with my weight. That's a strong knot. I almost wish I wasn't killing myself so that I could savor the appreciation for my rope tying skills. I wish I could hang in there a bit longer...HAHA. "HANG" in there, that's a joke! I can't HANG in there cause I'll be HANGING and dead. I'll be a hanging, dead, corpse. Not even a person anymore, just a...thing. A disgusting thing.
Joey steps off his bed and starts to die.
JOEY
Theeere we go. Bim bam boom. That's how you do it. Bada bing, bada boom. Wam bam thank you ma'am.
Joey closes his eyes and stops talking. The rope snaps. He falls to the floor. He gets up and holds the rope in his hand.
JOEY
And that, class, is why a good knot is so important.
A class of kids is revealed.
JOEY
Now hand in your ropes, and i'll see you Monday.
The class of kids hands in their nooses that they made themselves. They all leave.
JOEY
Ahh, good kids. Good kids.
Joey sits there smiling, perfectly at ease. Joey opens his drawer, takes out a gun and shoots himself.
THE END.
JOEY is standing with a noose, about to hang himself.
JOEY
This is it man. This is your big moment. Time to hang yourself. Time to die. This will show them. This will show all of them! They thought I couldn't tie a noose, but I SHOWED THEM. Look how well I tied it. Now it's going to help me die. Yep. I should name this noose, it's so well knotted. I should give it a PRETTY NAME. How about Lyla? Lyla the Noose. Me and Lyla, together forever. Looks like I'm not dying alone after all. Looks like things are starting to look pretty awesome for Joey.
Joey slips the noose around his neck.
JOEY
Yep. There it is. Nice and tight. Won't snap with my weight. That's a strong knot. I almost wish I wasn't killing myself so that I could savor the appreciation for my rope tying skills. I wish I could hang in there a bit longer...HAHA. "HANG" in there, that's a joke! I can't HANG in there cause I'll be HANGING and dead. I'll be a hanging, dead, corpse. Not even a person anymore, just a...thing. A disgusting thing.
Joey steps off his bed and starts to die.
JOEY
Theeere we go. Bim bam boom. That's how you do it. Bada bing, bada boom. Wam bam thank you ma'am.
Joey closes his eyes and stops talking. The rope snaps. He falls to the floor. He gets up and holds the rope in his hand.
JOEY
And that, class, is why a good knot is so important.
A class of kids is revealed.
JOEY
Now hand in your ropes, and i'll see you Monday.
The class of kids hands in their nooses that they made themselves. They all leave.
JOEY
Ahh, good kids. Good kids.
Joey sits there smiling, perfectly at ease. Joey opens his drawer, takes out a gun and shoots himself.
THE END.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Domino's Hell
Note: This sketch is based on something that just happened to me.
INT. HELL
A demon is torturing a Domino's employee.
DEMON
MUHAHAHAHA. See what happens when you put sausage pieces in a customer's pasta bread bowl!! SEE WHAT HAPPENS??
DOMINO'S EMPLOYEE
PLEASE! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!
DEMON
Oh sure! Maybe the first time! But twice in a row? TWICE IN A ROW?
D.E.
I SWEAR! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!
DEMON
So first Jordan tries to order online, BUT THE WEBSITE DOESN'T WORK!
Demon tortures more.
D.E.
I DON'T RUN THE WEBSITE! THAT'S NOT MY FAULT!!
DEMON
So first he tries to order on Firefox, then it doesn't work! THEN HE TRIES SAFARI, AND STILL TO NO AVAIL! SO HE HAS TO CALL UP, AND HIS HOUSE HAS REALLY BAD CELL PHONE RECEPTION!! HE HAS TO CALL AND ASK FOR ALL THESE DISGUSTING FOOD ITEMS BY NAME! SHAME AND FEAR IN EVERY WORD!!
D.E.
I'M SORRY!
DEMON
QUIET! AND THEN HE ORDERS A BREAD BOWL BECAUSE HE'S CURIOUS! AND THEN THE BREAD BOWL PASTA SHOWS UP...AND WHAT HAPPENS?
D.E.
I DON'T KNOW!
DEMON
THERE'S SAUSAGE IN IT! DON'T YOU KNOW JORDAN IS A VEGETARIAN!?
D.E.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!
DEMON
SO HE ACCIDENTALLY EATS A PIECE OF SAUSAGE! AND THEN HE HAS TO PICK THEM OUT OF HIS FOOD...AND BELIEVE ME...THEY WERE EVERYWHERE!!
D.E.
NO!
DEMON
EVERYWHERE!!!!! So then he calls Domino's again, STILL WITH THE BAD RECEPTION. AND YOU...APOLOGIZE TO HIM!
D.E.
I WAS SORRY! I STILL AM!
DEMON
And you PROMISED the problem would be corrected! SO WHAT DID YOU DO?
D.E.
I...I sent him another pasta bread bowl! To make up for it!
DEMON
AND THAT YOU DID, YOUNG MAN. THAT YOU DID. But what happened? IT STILL HAD SAUSAGE PIECES IN IT!!
D.E.
NO!
DEMON
YES!!
D.E.
OK! I admit it! I DID IT! I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON! PLEASE PUNISH ME! TORTURE ME!
DEMON
IT SHALL BE DONE!!
The demon tortures the Domino's employee for all eternity, with a lot of pain and horror and it's really horrible and awful and will never stop.
THE END.
INT. HELL
A demon is torturing a Domino's employee.
DEMON
MUHAHAHAHA. See what happens when you put sausage pieces in a customer's pasta bread bowl!! SEE WHAT HAPPENS??
DOMINO'S EMPLOYEE
PLEASE! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!
DEMON
Oh sure! Maybe the first time! But twice in a row? TWICE IN A ROW?
D.E.
I SWEAR! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!
DEMON
So first Jordan tries to order online, BUT THE WEBSITE DOESN'T WORK!
Demon tortures more.
D.E.
I DON'T RUN THE WEBSITE! THAT'S NOT MY FAULT!!
DEMON
So first he tries to order on Firefox, then it doesn't work! THEN HE TRIES SAFARI, AND STILL TO NO AVAIL! SO HE HAS TO CALL UP, AND HIS HOUSE HAS REALLY BAD CELL PHONE RECEPTION!! HE HAS TO CALL AND ASK FOR ALL THESE DISGUSTING FOOD ITEMS BY NAME! SHAME AND FEAR IN EVERY WORD!!
D.E.
I'M SORRY!
DEMON
QUIET! AND THEN HE ORDERS A BREAD BOWL BECAUSE HE'S CURIOUS! AND THEN THE BREAD BOWL PASTA SHOWS UP...AND WHAT HAPPENS?
D.E.
I DON'T KNOW!
DEMON
THERE'S SAUSAGE IN IT! DON'T YOU KNOW JORDAN IS A VEGETARIAN!?
D.E.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!
DEMON
SO HE ACCIDENTALLY EATS A PIECE OF SAUSAGE! AND THEN HE HAS TO PICK THEM OUT OF HIS FOOD...AND BELIEVE ME...THEY WERE EVERYWHERE!!
D.E.
NO!
DEMON
EVERYWHERE!!!!! So then he calls Domino's again, STILL WITH THE BAD RECEPTION. AND YOU...APOLOGIZE TO HIM!
D.E.
I WAS SORRY! I STILL AM!
DEMON
And you PROMISED the problem would be corrected! SO WHAT DID YOU DO?
D.E.
I...I sent him another pasta bread bowl! To make up for it!
DEMON
AND THAT YOU DID, YOUNG MAN. THAT YOU DID. But what happened? IT STILL HAD SAUSAGE PIECES IN IT!!
D.E.
NO!
DEMON
YES!!
D.E.
OK! I admit it! I DID IT! I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON! PLEASE PUNISH ME! TORTURE ME!
DEMON
IT SHALL BE DONE!!
The demon tortures the Domino's employee for all eternity, with a lot of pain and horror and it's really horrible and awful and will never stop.
THE END.
Eye Doctor
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
JEFF is at the eye doctor. The doctor's name is DR. FRED.
DR.FRED
Aaaaand open your eyes. And close your eyes. And open them again.
JEFF
So how are my eyes looking, doc?
DR.FRED
Very nice, very pretty. You know they change color every time you close and open them again?
JEFF
Really? Is that a problem?
DR.FRED
No, no, not at all. It's just crazy weird! Hahaha!
JEFF
Ha ha!
The doctor examines Jeff's eye closer.
DR.FRED
Oh...Oh my. Oh my no.
JEFF
Something wrong?
DR.FRED
Ohh no. Oh no. Would you look at that...Oh my goodness.
JEFF
What's wrong with my eyes?
DR.FRED
Eye. Just the one eye here is what I'm reacting to. Oh god, no.
JEFF
Ok, my eye? What's wrong with my eye??
DR.FRED
I'm afraid I'll have to go in there.
JEFF
What?! What's wrong with it?
DR.FRED
Jeffrey, have you ever heard of oxytossiloctopus?
JEFF
No.
DR.FRED
Of course you wouldn't. You aren't a genius doctor like I am. Oxytossiloctopus is rare form of disintegration that's caused by a parasite commonly found in most urinals.
JEFF
Disintegration?
DR.FRED
And now I must take your eye out. Don't worry, we can anesthetize you.
JEFF
You have to take my eye out!?
DR.FRED
You ask a lot of questions! Yes. That pee parasite has really got it's claws in you. I'm surprised you can't see it, I mean, it IS right on your eye.
JEFF
So THAT'S why I've been having those nightmares about the giant parasites.
DR.FRED
Let me just get my instruments.
Dr. Fred walks out of the office and comes back with a guitar and harmonica.
DR.FRED
Get it!?!? INSTRUMENTS???
JEFF
Huh?
DR.FRED
"Let me just get my instruments" I said!
JEFF
Sorry doctor, but EYE just don't see your point.
They both look at each other for a beat, then start laughing.
DR.FRED
"Eye don't see!" That's good! That's very, very good!
JEFF
Yeah!!!
DR.FRED
Catch.
Dr. Fred throws a spoon at Jeff's eye. It scoops his eye out, it rolls on the floor.
DR.FRED
You're cured. Get out.
JEFF
OW!!!
THE END.
JEFF is at the eye doctor. The doctor's name is DR. FRED.
DR.FRED
Aaaaand open your eyes. And close your eyes. And open them again.
JEFF
So how are my eyes looking, doc?
DR.FRED
Very nice, very pretty. You know they change color every time you close and open them again?
JEFF
Really? Is that a problem?
DR.FRED
No, no, not at all. It's just crazy weird! Hahaha!
JEFF
Ha ha!
The doctor examines Jeff's eye closer.
DR.FRED
Oh...Oh my. Oh my no.
JEFF
Something wrong?
DR.FRED
Ohh no. Oh no. Would you look at that...Oh my goodness.
JEFF
What's wrong with my eyes?
DR.FRED
Eye. Just the one eye here is what I'm reacting to. Oh god, no.
JEFF
Ok, my eye? What's wrong with my eye??
DR.FRED
I'm afraid I'll have to go in there.
JEFF
What?! What's wrong with it?
DR.FRED
Jeffrey, have you ever heard of oxytossiloctopus?
JEFF
No.
DR.FRED
Of course you wouldn't. You aren't a genius doctor like I am. Oxytossiloctopus is rare form of disintegration that's caused by a parasite commonly found in most urinals.
JEFF
Disintegration?
DR.FRED
And now I must take your eye out. Don't worry, we can anesthetize you.
JEFF
You have to take my eye out!?
DR.FRED
You ask a lot of questions! Yes. That pee parasite has really got it's claws in you. I'm surprised you can't see it, I mean, it IS right on your eye.
JEFF
So THAT'S why I've been having those nightmares about the giant parasites.
DR.FRED
Let me just get my instruments.
Dr. Fred walks out of the office and comes back with a guitar and harmonica.
DR.FRED
Get it!?!? INSTRUMENTS???
JEFF
Huh?
DR.FRED
"Let me just get my instruments" I said!
JEFF
Sorry doctor, but EYE just don't see your point.
They both look at each other for a beat, then start laughing.
DR.FRED
"Eye don't see!" That's good! That's very, very good!
JEFF
Yeah!!!
DR.FRED
Catch.
Dr. Fred throws a spoon at Jeff's eye. It scoops his eye out, it rolls on the floor.
DR.FRED
You're cured. Get out.
JEFF
OW!!!
THE END.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sleep Is Fun
INT. SLEEPY'S MATTRESS STORE
SALESMAN
And so you see, the Bed 5000 is the ultimate future in sleep and bed related activities
CUSTOMER
I see, I see. Do you mind if I give it a whirl?
SALESMAN
Sure thing! Would you like a glass of warm milk?
CUSTOMER
Sure!
Salesman gives customer milk.
SALESMAN
How about a teddy bear?
CUSTOMER
How about two?
Salesman takes two teddy bears out of a file cabinet and gives to customer. The customer takes off his shirt and pants and gets into the bed.
CUSTOMER
Mommy?
SALESMAN (pretending to be mommy)
Yes, honey?
CUSTOMER
Can you read me a story?
SALESMAN
Sure baby.
Salesman takes out a book.
SALESMAN
Once upon a time, there were three bears...
Customer starts crying.
SALESMAN
What? What?
CUSTOMER
I DON'T LIKE THE BEARS!! THEY'RE SCARY!!!!
SALESMAN
Nooo, these are nice bears!
CUSTOMERS
THE BEARS WANT TO EAT ME!! WAAHHHHHHH!!!
The salesman waits.
SALESMAN
So sir, how did you find our Bed 5000?
CUSTOMER
Hmm, very nice, very nice. Comfortable...good support for my back but not too firm. The blanket was a bit heavy.
SALESMAN
Well that can all be customized to your liking.
CUSTOMER
I'm not sure what I thought of the tube though.
SALESMAN
The tube?
CUSTOMER
Yes, the tube that was going into my...well, my...ass?
SALESMAN
Well without the tube the Bed 5000 wouldn't be the Bed 5000. It would be...well...just your run of the mill bed! I mean, it's 2009, sir. You don't still use VHS do you?
CUSTOMER
Hmm. You have a point. I'll take it. And can I get a 2nd tube installed for my wife?
SALESMAN
We can throw in 2 tubes for her!
CUSTOMER
She is going to love this! Happy anniversary to us!
THE END
*Thanks to Matt Koff for the title and for participating in the "Write a sketch in 5 minutes" challenge with me!
SALESMAN
And so you see, the Bed 5000 is the ultimate future in sleep and bed related activities
CUSTOMER
I see, I see. Do you mind if I give it a whirl?
SALESMAN
Sure thing! Would you like a glass of warm milk?
CUSTOMER
Sure!
Salesman gives customer milk.
SALESMAN
How about a teddy bear?
CUSTOMER
How about two?
Salesman takes two teddy bears out of a file cabinet and gives to customer. The customer takes off his shirt and pants and gets into the bed.
CUSTOMER
Mommy?
SALESMAN (pretending to be mommy)
Yes, honey?
CUSTOMER
Can you read me a story?
SALESMAN
Sure baby.
Salesman takes out a book.
SALESMAN
Once upon a time, there were three bears...
Customer starts crying.
SALESMAN
What? What?
CUSTOMER
I DON'T LIKE THE BEARS!! THEY'RE SCARY!!!!
SALESMAN
Nooo, these are nice bears!
CUSTOMERS
THE BEARS WANT TO EAT ME!! WAAHHHHHHH!!!
The salesman waits.
SALESMAN
So sir, how did you find our Bed 5000?
CUSTOMER
Hmm, very nice, very nice. Comfortable...good support for my back but not too firm. The blanket was a bit heavy.
SALESMAN
Well that can all be customized to your liking.
CUSTOMER
I'm not sure what I thought of the tube though.
SALESMAN
The tube?
CUSTOMER
Yes, the tube that was going into my...well, my...ass?
SALESMAN
Well without the tube the Bed 5000 wouldn't be the Bed 5000. It would be...well...just your run of the mill bed! I mean, it's 2009, sir. You don't still use VHS do you?
CUSTOMER
Hmm. You have a point. I'll take it. And can I get a 2nd tube installed for my wife?
SALESMAN
We can throw in 2 tubes for her!
CUSTOMER
She is going to love this! Happy anniversary to us!
THE END
*Thanks to Matt Koff for the title and for participating in the "Write a sketch in 5 minutes" challenge with me!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
That's A Sketch
INT. DINER
JORDAN and DAVE are sitting in a diner.
JORDAN
This 30 comedy sketches in 30 days thing is fun, but it can be hard to think of ideas! I've written 10 or so sketches already and I feel kind of dried up.
DAVE
Nahhhhhhhhhhh, everything could be a sketch idea!
JORDAN
How so?
DAVE
OK, see this ketchup bottle? That's a sketch.
JORDAN
?
DAVE
Like a ketchup bottle can be really angry, ANGRY KETCHUP BOTTLE, that's a sketch.
JORDAN
Maybe.
A WAITER comes over.
WAITER
Hello, are you ready?
DAVE
Yeah I'll have a baked potato.
WAITER
We're out of baked potatoes.
DAVE (whispering to Jordan)
That's a skeeetch
DAVE (continuing)
OK then I'll just have a sandwich.
WAITER
One sandwich. And you?
JORDAN
I'll just have a plate of whatever.
WAITER
Good choice.
The waiter leaves.
JORDAN
I can never decide what to get here. The menu is HUGE.
DAVE
HA! THAT'S A SKETCH. Huge menus, BOOM BOOM, attacking the city! LOOK OUT!
JORDAN
Sure. So how are things at work?
DAVE
Ah well, my boss has been giving me the evil eye since I...WAIT. THAT'S A SKETCH. An evil eye!! ATTACKING THE CITY!! LOOK OUT!!
JORDAN
I don't know. Ugh this water is warm. What the fuck.
DAVE
THAT'S A SKETCH. "Warm Water."
JORDAN
I already wrote a sketch called "Warm Water." It's pretty funny, actually.
DAVE
THAT'S A SKETCH. I keep recommending sketches and you wrote them already!! WAIT...Look out the window, see that old woman picking up after her dog? THAT'S A SKETCH.
JORDAN
Hmm...yeah...I could see that.
DAVE
Yeah see how she has to bend over to pick up the dog shit, and she's old and probably has a bad back.
JORDAN
That's hilarious.
DAVE
And it's like, this is what her long life has come to. And it's really cold outside too.
JORDAN
I'm going to write that up when I get home.
The waiter arrives with the food.
WAITER
There you are...one for you...and plate of whatever for you...
The waiter gave Dave and Jordan the wrong foods.
JORDAN
Oh, excuse me that's my plate.
DAVE
And that's mine.
WAITER
Oh, so sorry.
The waiter attempts to correct the mistake but he drops the plates. Then he slips and falls and tumbles around, eventually landing on top of the table and with food all over him. Everyone in the diner laughs hysterically.
DAVE (serious)
Oh my god, are you OK?
JORDAN
How awful. Maybe we should call an ambulance?
DAVE
THAT'S A SKETCH! Ambulance man, driving around, maybe he's a bad driver!
JORDAN
"Ambulance Man"...That could be a recurring character.
THE END.
JORDAN and DAVE are sitting in a diner.
JORDAN
This 30 comedy sketches in 30 days thing is fun, but it can be hard to think of ideas! I've written 10 or so sketches already and I feel kind of dried up.
DAVE
Nahhhhhhhhhhh, everything could be a sketch idea!
JORDAN
How so?
DAVE
OK, see this ketchup bottle? That's a sketch.
JORDAN
?
DAVE
Like a ketchup bottle can be really angry, ANGRY KETCHUP BOTTLE, that's a sketch.
JORDAN
Maybe.
A WAITER comes over.
WAITER
Hello, are you ready?
DAVE
Yeah I'll have a baked potato.
WAITER
We're out of baked potatoes.
DAVE (whispering to Jordan)
That's a skeeetch
DAVE (continuing)
OK then I'll just have a sandwich.
WAITER
One sandwich. And you?
JORDAN
I'll just have a plate of whatever.
WAITER
Good choice.
The waiter leaves.
JORDAN
I can never decide what to get here. The menu is HUGE.
DAVE
HA! THAT'S A SKETCH. Huge menus, BOOM BOOM, attacking the city! LOOK OUT!
JORDAN
Sure. So how are things at work?
DAVE
Ah well, my boss has been giving me the evil eye since I...WAIT. THAT'S A SKETCH. An evil eye!! ATTACKING THE CITY!! LOOK OUT!!
JORDAN
I don't know. Ugh this water is warm. What the fuck.
DAVE
THAT'S A SKETCH. "Warm Water."
JORDAN
I already wrote a sketch called "Warm Water." It's pretty funny, actually.
DAVE
THAT'S A SKETCH. I keep recommending sketches and you wrote them already!! WAIT...Look out the window, see that old woman picking up after her dog? THAT'S A SKETCH.
JORDAN
Hmm...yeah...I could see that.
DAVE
Yeah see how she has to bend over to pick up the dog shit, and she's old and probably has a bad back.
JORDAN
That's hilarious.
DAVE
And it's like, this is what her long life has come to. And it's really cold outside too.
JORDAN
I'm going to write that up when I get home.
The waiter arrives with the food.
WAITER
There you are...one for you...and plate of whatever for you...
The waiter gave Dave and Jordan the wrong foods.
JORDAN
Oh, excuse me that's my plate.
DAVE
And that's mine.
WAITER
Oh, so sorry.
The waiter attempts to correct the mistake but he drops the plates. Then he slips and falls and tumbles around, eventually landing on top of the table and with food all over him. Everyone in the diner laughs hysterically.
DAVE (serious)
Oh my god, are you OK?
JORDAN
How awful. Maybe we should call an ambulance?
DAVE
THAT'S A SKETCH! Ambulance man, driving around, maybe he's a bad driver!
JORDAN
"Ambulance Man"...That could be a recurring character.
THE END.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Friend Fight
Two friends, MATT and DAVE, storm in, in the midst of an intense argument.
MATT
I oughtta PUNCH YOU in the fucking FACE, man.
DAVE
Oh well why don't you fucking DO IT then?
MATT
I WANT to fucking do it.
DAVE
Well my face is RIGHT HERE, waiting.
Matt wants to, but hesitates.
DAVE
HA SEE, you're not a violent guy, you can't do it! YOU'RE A FUCKING TEDDY BEAR.
MATT
Ergghh. You know what I'm gonna do?
DAVE
WHAT.
MATT
I'm going to draw a picture of your face...
Matt takes out a paper and crayon. He draws a dumb looking cartoon of Dave.
MATT
...And put it up on this wall here...
Matt puts the drawing on the wall.
MATT
And I'm going to PUNCH THAT.
DAVE
Oh yeah, right, you wouldn't even do THAT.
MATT
NO. I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it!
Matt lunges at the picture but stops before he punches it. The silly picture he drew is staring back at him. He happened to draw a cartoon Dave looking very happy and friendly, like a smiley face.
DAVE
HA. You can't even punch a cartoon!
MATT
YEAH I CAN. ARGGHH!
Matt lunges at the picture again but can't punch it.
DAVE
Here. I am going to PAY YOU money to punch that picture of me.
MATT
FINE. GIVE ME MONEY.
Dave hands him some money. Matt lunges at the picture but instead of punching it he leans in and gives it a little kiss on the cheek. There is a long emotional silence. They both stand there awkwardly.
DAVE
I...Look...why don't you take that picture down and we can go get some ice cream or something.
MATT (out of breath)
OK...That's a good idea. Let's get ice cream. It's funny, I don't even remember what we were fighting about.
DAVE
Yeah, me neither. I'm sure it was my fault anyway.
MATT
No no, it was probably me being all silly.
DAVE
You go save us a seat at the ice cream place, I'll be right there.
MATT
Sure thing, friend.
Matt walks off. Dave takes out a drawing he made (at some point) of Matt. He kisses it and addresses the audience. He puts a on a clip-on necktie.
DAVE
Some things are worth fighting for...but friends aren't worth fighting. Goodnight.
THE END.
MATT
I oughtta PUNCH YOU in the fucking FACE, man.
DAVE
Oh well why don't you fucking DO IT then?
MATT
I WANT to fucking do it.
DAVE
Well my face is RIGHT HERE, waiting.
Matt wants to, but hesitates.
DAVE
HA SEE, you're not a violent guy, you can't do it! YOU'RE A FUCKING TEDDY BEAR.
MATT
Ergghh. You know what I'm gonna do?
DAVE
WHAT.
MATT
I'm going to draw a picture of your face...
Matt takes out a paper and crayon. He draws a dumb looking cartoon of Dave.
MATT
...And put it up on this wall here...
Matt puts the drawing on the wall.
MATT
And I'm going to PUNCH THAT.
DAVE
Oh yeah, right, you wouldn't even do THAT.
MATT
NO. I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it!
Matt lunges at the picture but stops before he punches it. The silly picture he drew is staring back at him. He happened to draw a cartoon Dave looking very happy and friendly, like a smiley face.
DAVE
HA. You can't even punch a cartoon!
MATT
YEAH I CAN. ARGGHH!
Matt lunges at the picture again but can't punch it.
DAVE
Here. I am going to PAY YOU money to punch that picture of me.
MATT
FINE. GIVE ME MONEY.
Dave hands him some money. Matt lunges at the picture but instead of punching it he leans in and gives it a little kiss on the cheek. There is a long emotional silence. They both stand there awkwardly.
DAVE
I...Look...why don't you take that picture down and we can go get some ice cream or something.
MATT (out of breath)
OK...That's a good idea. Let's get ice cream. It's funny, I don't even remember what we were fighting about.
DAVE
Yeah, me neither. I'm sure it was my fault anyway.
MATT
No no, it was probably me being all silly.
DAVE
You go save us a seat at the ice cream place, I'll be right there.
MATT
Sure thing, friend.
Matt walks off. Dave takes out a drawing he made (at some point) of Matt. He kisses it and addresses the audience. He puts a on a clip-on necktie.
DAVE
Some things are worth fighting for...but friends aren't worth fighting. Goodnight.
THE END.
Bad Jugglers
INT. STAGE
Two JUGGLERS come out on stage. They can't juggle at all. They have bowling pins and are constantly throwing them into the air as they drop to the floor, having to pick them up, tossing them at each other, picking them up, etc, etc.
There are half a dozen or so little kids sitting and watching. Despite how bad the jugglers are, they are enthusiastically cheering and applauding everything they do.
A WOMAN stands up from the crowd.
WOMAN
STOP THE ACT! I'm all of these children's mother. You call yourself jugglers? You call this a performance?
The jugglers shrug at each other. One of the jugglers tries to keep juggling (still badly.)
WOMAN
STOP! You two don't know what juggling is! I juggle every day. I juggle these 6 children. A career. A marriage. My relatives, my friends. My health. My life. It's all one big juggle! NOW HAND ME THOSE BOWLING PINS.
The jugglers hand her some bowling pins. A spotlight on the woman and a drum roll. The woman attempts to juggle and FAILS. She falls down to the ground. Lights come up.
WOMAN
Oh god. It's all been a lie. It's all a lie. Children...you're all adpoted. Go find your real parents. They lives at these addresses.
She takes out tabs of paper and hands them to each kid. They look at the paper and all get up and walk away.
WOMAN (to the jugglers.)
And you two...you ARE my real children!
The two jugglers are shocked.
WOMAN
Come here boys. GIVE YOUR MOTHER A HUG!!
They all hug. Spotlight on them. Fade out.
THE END.
Two JUGGLERS come out on stage. They can't juggle at all. They have bowling pins and are constantly throwing them into the air as they drop to the floor, having to pick them up, tossing them at each other, picking them up, etc, etc.
There are half a dozen or so little kids sitting and watching. Despite how bad the jugglers are, they are enthusiastically cheering and applauding everything they do.
A WOMAN stands up from the crowd.
WOMAN
STOP THE ACT! I'm all of these children's mother. You call yourself jugglers? You call this a performance?
The jugglers shrug at each other. One of the jugglers tries to keep juggling (still badly.)
WOMAN
STOP! You two don't know what juggling is! I juggle every day. I juggle these 6 children. A career. A marriage. My relatives, my friends. My health. My life. It's all one big juggle! NOW HAND ME THOSE BOWLING PINS.
The jugglers hand her some bowling pins. A spotlight on the woman and a drum roll. The woman attempts to juggle and FAILS. She falls down to the ground. Lights come up.
WOMAN
Oh god. It's all been a lie. It's all a lie. Children...you're all adpoted. Go find your real parents. They lives at these addresses.
She takes out tabs of paper and hands them to each kid. They look at the paper and all get up and walk away.
WOMAN (to the jugglers.)
And you two...you ARE my real children!
The two jugglers are shocked.
WOMAN
Come here boys. GIVE YOUR MOTHER A HUG!!
They all hug. Spotlight on them. Fade out.
THE END.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Coal Mine Sketch
INT. COAL MINE
Workers in a coal mine.
STAN
NICE DAY IN THE COAL MINE, EH FELLAS?
BOB
Yes it is a very nice day, I am happy here in this coal mine.
AARON
Fellow men, let's stop talking because there is IMPORTANT WORK TO DO.
STAN
YES I AGREE, BACK TO WORK!
BOB
Yes let us all go back to work.
The three coal miners all take their helmets off, put on glasses and take out feather pens. They walk over to three little desks and begin writing.
STAN
I HAVE WRITTEN A WONDERFUL LIMERICK, GENTLEMEN.
BOB
I want to hear your limerick.
STAN
AHEM. "I HATE THIS COAL MINE, BOY YES I DO, THIS COAL MINE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE DYING AND KILLING YOU TOO."
AARON
Very good, Stan. BACK TO WORK!!!
The three all write again.
BOB
Now I have written a new limerick.
STAN
JUST AS YOU HEARD MINE, I ANTICIPATE EAGERLY YOURS.
AARON
Yes, let's have it.
BOB
Okay guys. Ahem. "This coal mine makes me sad, because I can never see my family, and I could die at any time, and my fellow coal miners don't understand me."
STAN
HAHAHA, THAT IS A HILARIOUS ONE, BOB MY BOY!
AARON
You are definitely the "class clown", Bob.
BOB
Yeah.
AARON
BACK TO WORK!!
The three all write some more.
AARON
AhhhHA! I have written the best limerick of them all!
STAN
IT WOULD BE MY HONOR TO BE IN THE SAME COAL MINE AS YOU READ IT.
AARON
Ahem. "There were three men in a coal mine, they always came to work on time...
Bob and Stan nod at each other (i.e. he's right!)
AARON
...They wrote limericks all day, then they all passed away, because that's what happens in coal mines."
They all sit there, silent.
BOB
That was a very good limerick but also very upsetting.
STAN
YES I...I...I THINK I'D LIKE TO LEAVE THIS COAL MINE.
AARON
Well first of all, thank you Bob, for complimenting me on my limerick.
Aaron makes disapproving eyes at Stan.
AARON
And Stan...you're fired. GET OUT OF THIS COAL MINE.
STAN
NO...NO!! PLEASE!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! PLEASE!
AARON
Ahhh OK. You convinced me. You're promoted! You can begin moving in all of your belongings into this coal mine, as you will be our 24 hour a day supervisor.
STAN
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
BOB
Hey fellow coworkers, I am going to go use the "bathroom." (he does quote marks with his hand)
STAN
DON'T TAKE TOO LONG, BOB!
AARON
Ahaha! There's our new supervisor, already with the iron fist!
BOB
....Ha.
Bob walks off. He addresses the audience.
BOB
Hi everyone. I'm Bob, from the Coal Mine Sketch. Coal mining is no joke. So for those of you who managed to laugh at this comedy sketch, please don't. And for the rest of you -- very perceptive. You should all be commended for your noble refusal to laugh or take any enjoyment out of this amusing scenario whatsoever. There are Hershey's Kisses for you in a bowl on the way out. Thanks.
THE END.
Workers in a coal mine.
STAN
NICE DAY IN THE COAL MINE, EH FELLAS?
BOB
Yes it is a very nice day, I am happy here in this coal mine.
AARON
Fellow men, let's stop talking because there is IMPORTANT WORK TO DO.
STAN
YES I AGREE, BACK TO WORK!
BOB
Yes let us all go back to work.
The three coal miners all take their helmets off, put on glasses and take out feather pens. They walk over to three little desks and begin writing.
STAN
I HAVE WRITTEN A WONDERFUL LIMERICK, GENTLEMEN.
BOB
I want to hear your limerick.
STAN
AHEM. "I HATE THIS COAL MINE, BOY YES I DO, THIS COAL MINE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE DYING AND KILLING YOU TOO."
AARON
Very good, Stan. BACK TO WORK!!!
The three all write again.
BOB
Now I have written a new limerick.
STAN
JUST AS YOU HEARD MINE, I ANTICIPATE EAGERLY YOURS.
AARON
Yes, let's have it.
BOB
Okay guys. Ahem. "This coal mine makes me sad, because I can never see my family, and I could die at any time, and my fellow coal miners don't understand me."
STAN
HAHAHA, THAT IS A HILARIOUS ONE, BOB MY BOY!
AARON
You are definitely the "class clown", Bob.
BOB
Yeah.
AARON
BACK TO WORK!!
The three all write some more.
AARON
AhhhHA! I have written the best limerick of them all!
STAN
IT WOULD BE MY HONOR TO BE IN THE SAME COAL MINE AS YOU READ IT.
AARON
Ahem. "There were three men in a coal mine, they always came to work on time...
Bob and Stan nod at each other (i.e. he's right!)
AARON
...They wrote limericks all day, then they all passed away, because that's what happens in coal mines."
They all sit there, silent.
BOB
That was a very good limerick but also very upsetting.
STAN
YES I...I...I THINK I'D LIKE TO LEAVE THIS COAL MINE.
AARON
Well first of all, thank you Bob, for complimenting me on my limerick.
Aaron makes disapproving eyes at Stan.
AARON
And Stan...you're fired. GET OUT OF THIS COAL MINE.
STAN
NO...NO!! PLEASE!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! PLEASE!
AARON
Ahhh OK. You convinced me. You're promoted! You can begin moving in all of your belongings into this coal mine, as you will be our 24 hour a day supervisor.
STAN
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
BOB
Hey fellow coworkers, I am going to go use the "bathroom." (he does quote marks with his hand)
STAN
DON'T TAKE TOO LONG, BOB!
AARON
Ahaha! There's our new supervisor, already with the iron fist!
BOB
....Ha.
Bob walks off. He addresses the audience.
BOB
Hi everyone. I'm Bob, from the Coal Mine Sketch. Coal mining is no joke. So for those of you who managed to laugh at this comedy sketch, please don't. And for the rest of you -- very perceptive. You should all be commended for your noble refusal to laugh or take any enjoyment out of this amusing scenario whatsoever. There are Hershey's Kisses for you in a bowl on the way out. Thanks.
THE END.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Salsa Jar
EXT. OUTSIDE A HOUSE
A WOMAN throws a salsa jar at A MAN. They are clearly having a fight.
WOMAN
And you can take your stupid salsa jar back!
The salsa jar hits the man in the chest. He looks down at it. Then picks it up off the ground, and dusts it off.
MAN
Thank goodness.
He reaches into his front shirt pocket and pulls out some big tortilla chips. He dips them into the salsa jar and eats them.
MAN
Mmmm, too good. TOO GOOD.
He sits on the front lawn with his chips and salsa. He pulls a Coke out of his pants and drinks it.
MAN
I've got everything I need right here. YOU HEAR ME MARGO? I'VE GOT EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT HERE.
The man puts a hat on. Then he takes the hat off and he has a plate of mashed potatoes under it. Then he reaches into his shirt collar and pulls out a salt shaker and salts the potatoes. He eats them.
MAN
Too good. Well, time for dessert.
The man takes his shoes off and sprinkles Hershey's Kisses from them into his mouth (not bothering to unwrap them.) Then he takes his sock off and holds it over his mouth and milk pours out of it.
The man gets up and leaves.
CUT TO: Inside the house, the woman (Margo) is sitting on the couch, crying, tissues all around her, etc. She has a cat on her lap. She holds the cat up to her face and reaches into it's mouth, and pulls out a chicken leg. She eats it, crying.
FADE OUT.
A WOMAN throws a salsa jar at A MAN. They are clearly having a fight.
WOMAN
And you can take your stupid salsa jar back!
The salsa jar hits the man in the chest. He looks down at it. Then picks it up off the ground, and dusts it off.
MAN
Thank goodness.
He reaches into his front shirt pocket and pulls out some big tortilla chips. He dips them into the salsa jar and eats them.
MAN
Mmmm, too good. TOO GOOD.
He sits on the front lawn with his chips and salsa. He pulls a Coke out of his pants and drinks it.
MAN
I've got everything I need right here. YOU HEAR ME MARGO? I'VE GOT EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT HERE.
The man puts a hat on. Then he takes the hat off and he has a plate of mashed potatoes under it. Then he reaches into his shirt collar and pulls out a salt shaker and salts the potatoes. He eats them.
MAN
Too good. Well, time for dessert.
The man takes his shoes off and sprinkles Hershey's Kisses from them into his mouth (not bothering to unwrap them.) Then he takes his sock off and holds it over his mouth and milk pours out of it.
The man gets up and leaves.
CUT TO: Inside the house, the woman (Margo) is sitting on the couch, crying, tissues all around her, etc. She has a cat on her lap. She holds the cat up to her face and reaches into it's mouth, and pulls out a chicken leg. She eats it, crying.
FADE OUT.
Prison Sketch
INT. JAIL CELL.
A prison guard is strolling back and forth and whistling in front of a jail cell, which occupies two criminals.
PRISON GUARD
Nice day today, guys? Outside, I mean. Inside here it's awful. Humid and depressing and gray and dark.
The criminals don't look up, they are just sitting there staring at the floor.
PRISON GUARD
You know what I did on the weekend? (waits for answer.)
I had a picnic with my beautiful wife and baby girl. She's getting really good at talking now. She said "i love you" the other day. I tell you, you don't know how beautiful life can be until your own little girl tells you she loves you for the first time.
The criminals don't react.
PRISON GUARD
Then me and my wife went home and made love all night. All night. You know she used to be a model? She quit modeling to get a degree in medicine. I think she's saved dozens of lives by now. Well anyway, we had sex all night and then again this morning. Sometimes I'll wake up 2 hours early just to...
Another prison guard enters the scene, along with a PRIEST, and opens the cell. They are both very somber and silent.
PRISON GUARD
Oh hey! It's the big day! Nice knowin' ya.
Guard #2 and the priest escort one of the criminals out of the scene, as the priest reads from his bible. They all walk off. The lights flicker on and off (CAUSE HE GOT PUT IN ELECTRIC CHAIR DUH.)
PRISON GUARD
Man, what a way to go! You almost have to envy him though. No more wasting away in this hell hole like the rest of you pathetic pieces of shit. Man, fried in the electric chair. It almost makes me laugh! OK, it DOES make me laugh! Hahahaha!
The prison guard rolls on the floor laughing. The other remaining criminal still sits in the cell, staring down.
PRISON GUARD
...hahaha. And some people hate Mondays! Hey let me ask you something. When do you get out of here? When?
The criminal ignores his question.
PRISON GUARD
Well let's see, I've actually got your file right here. Ahh, Jim Kadinsky. In here for 50 to 75 years. Wow! Imagine what the world will be like in 50 years when you get out? You're like a living time capsule! Your parents will probably be dead. Your relatives. Your friends will all be old and probably won't even remember who you are. You are stuck in here while the world goes on without you, probably better for your absence. In fact, isn't it visiting hours right now? And you're in here alone? No one coming to visit you, Jim? No one at all? Nobody, no one, nobody nobody nobody?? (starts screaming) NOBODY AT ALL, JUST COMPLETELY SOLITARY EXISTENCE IN THIS JAIL CELL, WITH RATS EATING YOUR TOES AT NIGHT AND NOBODY VISITS YOU AND YOU MAY AS WELL BE A FUCKING ROTTING CORPSE BECAUSE WHERE I'M STANDING THERE AIN'T NO DIFFERENCE BECAUSE NOBODY ON THIS ENTIRE PLANET EVEN WANTS TO SPEND 15 MINUTES WITH YOU, NO ONE, NO ONE, NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The criminal looks up at him. He stands up and opens his jail cell. He approaches the guard slowly.
The criminal and the prison guard both turn to the audience and bow. Applause. Flowers are thrown at them. Sketch over.
A prison guard is strolling back and forth and whistling in front of a jail cell, which occupies two criminals.
PRISON GUARD
Nice day today, guys? Outside, I mean. Inside here it's awful. Humid and depressing and gray and dark.
The criminals don't look up, they are just sitting there staring at the floor.
PRISON GUARD
You know what I did on the weekend? (waits for answer.)
I had a picnic with my beautiful wife and baby girl. She's getting really good at talking now. She said "i love you" the other day. I tell you, you don't know how beautiful life can be until your own little girl tells you she loves you for the first time.
The criminals don't react.
PRISON GUARD
Then me and my wife went home and made love all night. All night. You know she used to be a model? She quit modeling to get a degree in medicine. I think she's saved dozens of lives by now. Well anyway, we had sex all night and then again this morning. Sometimes I'll wake up 2 hours early just to...
Another prison guard enters the scene, along with a PRIEST, and opens the cell. They are both very somber and silent.
PRISON GUARD
Oh hey! It's the big day! Nice knowin' ya.
Guard #2 and the priest escort one of the criminals out of the scene, as the priest reads from his bible. They all walk off. The lights flicker on and off (CAUSE HE GOT PUT IN ELECTRIC CHAIR DUH.)
PRISON GUARD
Man, what a way to go! You almost have to envy him though. No more wasting away in this hell hole like the rest of you pathetic pieces of shit. Man, fried in the electric chair. It almost makes me laugh! OK, it DOES make me laugh! Hahahaha!
The prison guard rolls on the floor laughing. The other remaining criminal still sits in the cell, staring down.
PRISON GUARD
...hahaha. And some people hate Mondays! Hey let me ask you something. When do you get out of here? When?
The criminal ignores his question.
PRISON GUARD
Well let's see, I've actually got your file right here. Ahh, Jim Kadinsky. In here for 50 to 75 years. Wow! Imagine what the world will be like in 50 years when you get out? You're like a living time capsule! Your parents will probably be dead. Your relatives. Your friends will all be old and probably won't even remember who you are. You are stuck in here while the world goes on without you, probably better for your absence. In fact, isn't it visiting hours right now? And you're in here alone? No one coming to visit you, Jim? No one at all? Nobody, no one, nobody nobody nobody?? (starts screaming) NOBODY AT ALL, JUST COMPLETELY SOLITARY EXISTENCE IN THIS JAIL CELL, WITH RATS EATING YOUR TOES AT NIGHT AND NOBODY VISITS YOU AND YOU MAY AS WELL BE A FUCKING ROTTING CORPSE BECAUSE WHERE I'M STANDING THERE AIN'T NO DIFFERENCE BECAUSE NOBODY ON THIS ENTIRE PLANET EVEN WANTS TO SPEND 15 MINUTES WITH YOU, NO ONE, NO ONE, NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The criminal looks up at him. He stands up and opens his jail cell. He approaches the guard slowly.
The criminal and the prison guard both turn to the audience and bow. Applause. Flowers are thrown at them. Sketch over.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Flab Fall Down
INT. ABANDONED MENTAL HOSPITAL
KAREN, JOHN, and a SCIENTIST, DR. FLAB, are exploring the ruins of an abandoned mental hospital.
KAREN
Me oh my, this abandoned mental hospital is some creepy shit!
JOHN
I don't know about that, Karen! Maybe we should ask the scientist, Dr. Flab?
DR.FLAB
Based on all scientific research and by the powers invested in me, I do confirm that this abandoned mental hospital is indeed the creepiest of shits!
KAREN
See?
JOHN
Wow, Karen! Maybe you should be a scientist too!
KAREN
Oh my god I would LOVE THAT, it's too bad I'm so stupid!
The trio walk over to some writings on a wall.
DR.FLAB
Good heavens!
JOHN
What is it, Doctor?
DR.FLAB
These inscriptions...they are a warning.
KAREN (hysterical, falling to the floor, tearing her hair out)
OH GOD. OH GOD. AUGHGHGH. AUGHHH!!!!!
JOHN
A warning of what?!?
DR.FLAB
It states...'All ye who enter ye into ye abandoned hospital of mental malcontents....
KAREN
SAY IT IN ENGLISH, DOC!!!!
DR.FLAB
'...will forever be hunted'...no....haunted? It says haunted or hunted?
JOHN
Well those two are almost the same thing.
KAREN
I think I prefer 'hunted.'
JOHN
Ehhh I prefer 'haunted.'
DR.FLAB
Wait, it says 'hounded.' HOUNDED.
JOHN/KAREN
Ahhhhhh.
DR.FLAB (continuing)
'...will forever be hounded by...the ghost of Dr. Flab...'?
Silence.
KAREN
But...but...you're not a ghost, are ya, doc?
DR.FLAB
I....I don't believe so.
A BOOMING VOICE SAYS "NOT YET!!! HAHAHAHAHAH"
DR.FLAB
My God! Who said that? Show yourself!
An average looking guy emerges from the darkness. His voice is completely different from THE BOOMING VOICE.
GUY
I said that. Me.
BOOMING VOICE (OS) SAYS "NO YOU DIDN'T!!!"
ANOTHER guy steps in and throws "average looking guy" out of the picture. This is now the actual BOOMING VOICE GUY, whose name is Duncan.
DUNCAN
HELLO. MY NAME IS DUNCAN.
KAREN
AUGH!
DR.FLAB
Duncan? What's all this nonsense about? Who are you? Am I a ghost? What is going on?
DUNCAN
The Ghost of Dr.Flab was a long told legend here at the old nut house. One mental patient started repeating the phrase over and over...'the ghost of dr.flab, the ghost of dr.flab'....then another one...then another. It drove everybody mad.
JOHN
I thought everyone was already mad?
DUNCAN
It's like...you think you're mad, but then you're like EVEN MORE MAD. There are LEVELS is what I'm saying. Shut up. And now it seems like the real Dr. Flab has finally made his way here.
DR.FLAB
But this doesn't make sense! I'm not a ghost! I just ate some sandwiches, ghosts can't do that!
DUNCAN
(imitating his voice) "Ghosts can't do that!!" What would you know about GHOSTS, scientist? There are things in this world far beyond your rational explanations.
KAREN
CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON BEFORE I SHIT MYSELF!!!
DR. FLAB
Yes...Duncan, please. What do these inscriptions mean? I'm not a ghost and I don't intend to hunt-
JOHN
Haunt.
KAREN
Hound.
DR.FLAB
HOUND. I don't intend to hound anybody!
DUNCAN
There are those who say that if you reach a certain level of madness, you can foresee the future. For example, I say that.
GASPS all around.
DUNCAN
This mental hospital wasn't JUST a mental hospital. It housed a special kind of warped brain...damaged psychics, disturbed fortune tellers, broken mind readers. And now I am going to kill you.
DR.FLAB
Woh...I...what?? You were in the middle of your story!
DUNCAN
YAWN. How can you ever be a ghost and hound this mental hospital forever unless someone takes action!! BANG BANG!
Duncan "shoots" flab with his fingers. Flab fall down.
JOHN
You killed him! Somehow!
KAREN
But I loved him!
DUNCAN
NOW HIS GHOST WILL HOUND YOU FOREVER!! HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Duncan disappears into the darkness.
KAREN
This place is so stupid!! I'm scared!
JOHN
It's OK Karen. It's OK. Dr. Flab was our friend, he wouldn't hound us!
Dr. Flab's ghost rises from his body.
DR.FLAB
Hey guys.
KAREN
AUGHHHH!!!!!!!
DR.FLAB
Well, this is my thing now I guess. I'm gonna be at this abandoned mental hospital forever. That's depressing.
KAREN
Oh, doctor. It doesn't have to be! You could put a vase right over there, some flowers...I have my paintings you can put up!
DR.FLAB
Karen you're a terrible artist.
JOHN
It's true, Karen. Nobody wants your paintings.
KAREN
FINE. FORGET IT. TRYING TO HELP. FORGET IT.
DR.FLAB
You two better get out of here. You'll come back and visit though, right?
JOHN
Ehhhhhhhhh....I'd like to, but I think I'm allergic...I've been feeling kind of sniffly this whole time.
KAREN
Yes, I don't want to visit you. This place is horrifying.
DR.FLAB (faking)
HEY LOOK, another ancient inscription!! 'John and Karen are bad friends!' WOW!
KAREN
I'm not a bad friend!
JOHN
How did they know that?
THE END.
KAREN, JOHN, and a SCIENTIST, DR. FLAB, are exploring the ruins of an abandoned mental hospital.
KAREN
Me oh my, this abandoned mental hospital is some creepy shit!
JOHN
I don't know about that, Karen! Maybe we should ask the scientist, Dr. Flab?
DR.FLAB
Based on all scientific research and by the powers invested in me, I do confirm that this abandoned mental hospital is indeed the creepiest of shits!
KAREN
See?
JOHN
Wow, Karen! Maybe you should be a scientist too!
KAREN
Oh my god I would LOVE THAT, it's too bad I'm so stupid!
The trio walk over to some writings on a wall.
DR.FLAB
Good heavens!
JOHN
What is it, Doctor?
DR.FLAB
These inscriptions...they are a warning.
KAREN (hysterical, falling to the floor, tearing her hair out)
OH GOD. OH GOD. AUGHGHGH. AUGHHH!!!!!
JOHN
A warning of what?!?
DR.FLAB
It states...'All ye who enter ye into ye abandoned hospital of mental malcontents....
KAREN
SAY IT IN ENGLISH, DOC!!!!
DR.FLAB
'...will forever be hunted'...no....haunted? It says haunted or hunted?
JOHN
Well those two are almost the same thing.
KAREN
I think I prefer 'hunted.'
JOHN
Ehhh I prefer 'haunted.'
DR.FLAB
Wait, it says 'hounded.' HOUNDED.
JOHN/KAREN
Ahhhhhh.
DR.FLAB (continuing)
'...will forever be hounded by...the ghost of Dr. Flab...'?
Silence.
KAREN
But...but...you're not a ghost, are ya, doc?
DR.FLAB
I....I don't believe so.
A BOOMING VOICE SAYS "NOT YET!!! HAHAHAHAHAH"
DR.FLAB
My God! Who said that? Show yourself!
An average looking guy emerges from the darkness. His voice is completely different from THE BOOMING VOICE.
GUY
I said that. Me.
BOOMING VOICE (OS) SAYS "NO YOU DIDN'T!!!"
ANOTHER guy steps in and throws "average looking guy" out of the picture. This is now the actual BOOMING VOICE GUY, whose name is Duncan.
DUNCAN
HELLO. MY NAME IS DUNCAN.
KAREN
AUGH!
DR.FLAB
Duncan? What's all this nonsense about? Who are you? Am I a ghost? What is going on?
DUNCAN
The Ghost of Dr.Flab was a long told legend here at the old nut house. One mental patient started repeating the phrase over and over...'the ghost of dr.flab, the ghost of dr.flab'....then another one...then another. It drove everybody mad.
JOHN
I thought everyone was already mad?
DUNCAN
It's like...you think you're mad, but then you're like EVEN MORE MAD. There are LEVELS is what I'm saying. Shut up. And now it seems like the real Dr. Flab has finally made his way here.
DR.FLAB
But this doesn't make sense! I'm not a ghost! I just ate some sandwiches, ghosts can't do that!
DUNCAN
(imitating his voice) "Ghosts can't do that!!" What would you know about GHOSTS, scientist? There are things in this world far beyond your rational explanations.
KAREN
CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON BEFORE I SHIT MYSELF!!!
DR. FLAB
Yes...Duncan, please. What do these inscriptions mean? I'm not a ghost and I don't intend to hunt-
JOHN
Haunt.
KAREN
Hound.
DR.FLAB
HOUND. I don't intend to hound anybody!
DUNCAN
There are those who say that if you reach a certain level of madness, you can foresee the future. For example, I say that.
GASPS all around.
DUNCAN
This mental hospital wasn't JUST a mental hospital. It housed a special kind of warped brain...damaged psychics, disturbed fortune tellers, broken mind readers. And now I am going to kill you.
DR.FLAB
Woh...I...what?? You were in the middle of your story!
DUNCAN
YAWN. How can you ever be a ghost and hound this mental hospital forever unless someone takes action!! BANG BANG!
Duncan "shoots" flab with his fingers. Flab fall down.
JOHN
You killed him! Somehow!
KAREN
But I loved him!
DUNCAN
NOW HIS GHOST WILL HOUND YOU FOREVER!! HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Duncan disappears into the darkness.
KAREN
This place is so stupid!! I'm scared!
JOHN
It's OK Karen. It's OK. Dr. Flab was our friend, he wouldn't hound us!
Dr. Flab's ghost rises from his body.
DR.FLAB
Hey guys.
KAREN
AUGHHHH!!!!!!!
DR.FLAB
Well, this is my thing now I guess. I'm gonna be at this abandoned mental hospital forever. That's depressing.
KAREN
Oh, doctor. It doesn't have to be! You could put a vase right over there, some flowers...I have my paintings you can put up!
DR.FLAB
Karen you're a terrible artist.
JOHN
It's true, Karen. Nobody wants your paintings.
KAREN
FINE. FORGET IT. TRYING TO HELP. FORGET IT.
DR.FLAB
You two better get out of here. You'll come back and visit though, right?
JOHN
Ehhhhhhhhh....I'd like to, but I think I'm allergic...I've been feeling kind of sniffly this whole time.
KAREN
Yes, I don't want to visit you. This place is horrifying.
DR.FLAB (faking)
HEY LOOK, another ancient inscription!! 'John and Karen are bad friends!' WOW!
KAREN
I'm not a bad friend!
JOHN
How did they know that?
THE END.
Friday, September 04, 2009
Snapple
INT. SNAPPLE FACTORY.
Workers on a Snapple assembly line are bantering.
JOE
Man I really fucking hate Snapple.
ROBERTO
Tell me about it, man. I hate Snapple with the passion of ten thousand red suns.
JOE
Twenty thousand. Sometimes...I have little fantasies.
ROBERTO
Fantasies?
JOE
Fantasies. Like...what would happen if something went terribly, terribly wrong here in the old Snapple factory.
ROBERTO
But...our job is to keep things running smooth!
JOE
Hear me out. I'm saying, what if we don't do our job right...and something get's gunked up.
ROBERTO
With the Snapple?
JOE
Exactly. Like...let's say I'm bottling this here Diet Peach Iced Tea...
ROBERTO
I hate that flavor.
JOE
It's disgusting. So I'm bottling this here Diet Peach Iced Tea, and WOOPSIE, I slip and my dick goes in the bottle, then, in a blind panic, I piss inside the bottle, then I bottle up the bottle, THEN SEND IT OUT.
ROBERTO
But...if that happened, and somebody drank it, Snapple could get sued! The whole Snapple empire could crumble!
JOE
All from my hot, wet, piss.
ROBERTO
I just had a fantasy.
JOE
Tell it to me, Roberto.
ROBERTO
So I am here, I am bottling the Snapple.
JOE
Like we do.
ROBERTO (slowly, with tension)
And the Snapple comes down the conveyor belt. And I pick the Snapple up. And before I put the cap on the bottle...
FREDERICKS, the Manager, barges in.
FREDERICKS
WELL WELL WELL, HELLO THERE MY FINE SNEMPLOYEES. SNOW ARE YOU ALL SNOING TODAY?
ROBERTO/JOE
Snerrific Mr. Fredericks.
FREDERICKS
SNEXCELLENT, SNEXCELLENT. Oh, I have a SNANNOUNCEMENT to make. You are all going to be paid A LOT LESS MONEY from now on! Snah snah snah!!
Roberto and Joe sigh.
FREDERICKS
And the reason is because...Well, Snapple is making SO MUCH MONEY that there is just simply too much to go around, too much wealth for everybody, so the board members and the big fat men upstairs decided that upper management like myself SHOULD SIMPLY TAKE THE BRUNT OF THE INCOME. TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM, you could say. So all of your hard earned money will go to me!!! WHAT SAY WE SNELEBRATE???
Fredericks throws some Koosh balls at Roberto and Joe.
ROBERTO/JOE (waving arms in the air)
Yaaaaay....
FREDERICKS
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, I am off to go SNAPPLE PICKING at the family ranch. Keep working hard! Sno long, sno long!!
JOE
God, what a snasshole.
ROBERTO
I hate this job. I hate my life. My baby can't survive on Snapple! What do I do? It's hopeless!
JOE
Don't talk like that, man. Things could get better. Why don't you finish telling me your fantasy?
ROBERTO
Yeah yeah I was just going to jerk off into the kiwi-strawberry mix.
JOE
Let's do it together.
They hold hands and walk off.
THE END.
Workers on a Snapple assembly line are bantering.
JOE
Man I really fucking hate Snapple.
ROBERTO
Tell me about it, man. I hate Snapple with the passion of ten thousand red suns.
JOE
Twenty thousand. Sometimes...I have little fantasies.
ROBERTO
Fantasies?
JOE
Fantasies. Like...what would happen if something went terribly, terribly wrong here in the old Snapple factory.
ROBERTO
But...our job is to keep things running smooth!
JOE
Hear me out. I'm saying, what if we don't do our job right...and something get's gunked up.
ROBERTO
With the Snapple?
JOE
Exactly. Like...let's say I'm bottling this here Diet Peach Iced Tea...
ROBERTO
I hate that flavor.
JOE
It's disgusting. So I'm bottling this here Diet Peach Iced Tea, and WOOPSIE, I slip and my dick goes in the bottle, then, in a blind panic, I piss inside the bottle, then I bottle up the bottle, THEN SEND IT OUT.
ROBERTO
But...if that happened, and somebody drank it, Snapple could get sued! The whole Snapple empire could crumble!
JOE
All from my hot, wet, piss.
ROBERTO
I just had a fantasy.
JOE
Tell it to me, Roberto.
ROBERTO
So I am here, I am bottling the Snapple.
JOE
Like we do.
ROBERTO (slowly, with tension)
And the Snapple comes down the conveyor belt. And I pick the Snapple up. And before I put the cap on the bottle...
FREDERICKS, the Manager, barges in.
FREDERICKS
WELL WELL WELL, HELLO THERE MY FINE SNEMPLOYEES. SNOW ARE YOU ALL SNOING TODAY?
ROBERTO/JOE
Snerrific Mr. Fredericks.
FREDERICKS
SNEXCELLENT, SNEXCELLENT. Oh, I have a SNANNOUNCEMENT to make. You are all going to be paid A LOT LESS MONEY from now on! Snah snah snah!!
Roberto and Joe sigh.
FREDERICKS
And the reason is because...Well, Snapple is making SO MUCH MONEY that there is just simply too much to go around, too much wealth for everybody, so the board members and the big fat men upstairs decided that upper management like myself SHOULD SIMPLY TAKE THE BRUNT OF THE INCOME. TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM, you could say. So all of your hard earned money will go to me!!! WHAT SAY WE SNELEBRATE???
Fredericks throws some Koosh balls at Roberto and Joe.
ROBERTO/JOE (waving arms in the air)
Yaaaaay....
FREDERICKS
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, I am off to go SNAPPLE PICKING at the family ranch. Keep working hard! Sno long, sno long!!
JOE
God, what a snasshole.
ROBERTO
I hate this job. I hate my life. My baby can't survive on Snapple! What do I do? It's hopeless!
JOE
Don't talk like that, man. Things could get better. Why don't you finish telling me your fantasy?
ROBERTO
Yeah yeah I was just going to jerk off into the kiwi-strawberry mix.
JOE
Let's do it together.
They hold hands and walk off.
THE END.
Everyone Eat The Cookies
MATT and DAVE come out on stage. They are carrying big sacks with them. They began to sing each line in a "na na na na na-na" taunting melody and bad German accents. They are also kind of zombie like and slow paced.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone eat ze cookies
They walk around slowly, then towards the audience
MATT/DAVE
Everyone eat ze cookies.
They take cookies out of their sacks and pass them around the audience
MATT/DAVE
Everyone eat ze cooookies.
They both go to opposite ends of the room and lean their head on the wall, with their faces smushed into the wall, depressed, waiting for the audience to eat cookies. This goes on for 10 seconds or so. They stop and then they take out cartons of milk and paper cups.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone drink your milk.
They pour milk in a cup and hand it to one or two audience members.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone drink your milk.
They do the head on the wall thing again. They take out toothbrushes and pass them to the audience.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone brush your teeth.
They pace around, waiting, since probably the audience won't do it.
MATT/DAVE (sounding more annoyed)
Everyone brush your teeth.
Heads on the wall for a while. They take out pillows and lie down on the floor.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone go to sleep.
MATT/DAVE (falling asleep, sounding more tired)
Everyone go to sleeeep.
::BLACK OUT:: Matt and Dave run off stage. Sketch over.
Audience (um, hopefully) applauds, thinking the sketch is over.
LIGHTS UP. Matt and Dave return, slower and weirder than ever.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone wake up.
Everyone wake up.
Everyone wake up.
MATT
Rise and shine
DAVE
Rise and shine.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone brush your teeth again.
They again hand out (new) toothbrushes. At this point the audience should be getting tired of the sketch. So it will end here.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone eat ze cookies
They walk around slowly, then towards the audience
MATT/DAVE
Everyone eat ze cookies.
They take cookies out of their sacks and pass them around the audience
MATT/DAVE
Everyone eat ze cooookies.
They both go to opposite ends of the room and lean their head on the wall, with their faces smushed into the wall, depressed, waiting for the audience to eat cookies. This goes on for 10 seconds or so. They stop and then they take out cartons of milk and paper cups.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone drink your milk.
They pour milk in a cup and hand it to one or two audience members.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone drink your milk.
They do the head on the wall thing again. They take out toothbrushes and pass them to the audience.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone brush your teeth.
They pace around, waiting, since probably the audience won't do it.
MATT/DAVE (sounding more annoyed)
Everyone brush your teeth.
Heads on the wall for a while. They take out pillows and lie down on the floor.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone go to sleep.
MATT/DAVE (falling asleep, sounding more tired)
Everyone go to sleeeep.
::BLACK OUT:: Matt and Dave run off stage. Sketch over.
Audience (um, hopefully) applauds, thinking the sketch is over.
LIGHTS UP. Matt and Dave return, slower and weirder than ever.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone wake up.
Everyone wake up.
Everyone wake up.
MATT
Rise and shine
DAVE
Rise and shine.
MATT/DAVE
Everyone brush your teeth again.
They again hand out (new) toothbrushes. At this point the audience should be getting tired of the sketch. So it will end here.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Hand Stuck on the Subway
INT. SUBWAY CAR.
Two friends, JEFF and ADAM are talking in a subway car. Jeff is holding onto the pole.
JEFF
I just think listening to music is gay.
ADAM
That would make like, EVERYBODY gay.
JEFF
Yeah, everybody except ME.
Doors open. A GUY steps into the train and immediately leans on the pole, as well as Jeff's hand. The two talk as the guy remains oblivious.
JEFF
Ugh. Ugh. I hate this.
ADAM
Eh, just move.
JEFF
It's the principle of the thing...I was here first and now this asshole leans on my hand? Why should I move?
ADAM
So do something about it.
JEFF
Well I...I don't want to like, say anything. It's the subway.
Adam shrugs.
ADAM
So anyway, music is important to a lot of people, I don't know how you could say...
JEFF
Ok forget this.
Jeff tries to remove his hand from behind the guy's back BUT HE'S STUCK.
JEFF
I can't get it out. I can't get my hand out.
ADAM
Ha, come on?
Jeff struggles, very animated, straining.
ADAM
What are you giving him a back rub?
JEFF
What the fuck is wrong with this guy?
ADAM
Maybe he really likes back rubs.
The guy burps.
JEFF (still struggling)
LET ME HAVE MY HAND BACK.
ADAM
This is our stop.
JEFF
I CAN'T GET MY HAND OUT!!!
ADAM
Come on, let's get out.
Jeff puts his foot up against the pole to try to yank his whole body away from the pole. It doesn't work.
JEFF
Sir? Excuse me, sir?
The man burps. Doesn't notice Jeff.
ADAM
Well I'm getting off here, man. I'll meet you at the bar later. Good luck.
JEFF
WAIT DON'T LEAVE!! YOU'RE MY FRIEND! FRIENDS DON'T LEAVE! FRIENDS HELP!
Jeff pounds on the guys back with his other hand, does whatever he can to get his hand out. Finally he gives up and sits on the floor, with his arm still up behind the guy. The guy stops leaning and walks towards the other side of the train.
JEFF
Oh my god, finally.
Jeff shakes the tension from his hand out, relieved. The guy, now on the other side of the train, turns to look at Jeff. There is a long pause, as Jeff looks confused and worried. He runs toward Jeff, getting faster and faster, screaming like a wild animal.
THE GUY
AaaaaaaaaAAAAAUUUUURGHHHH!!!!!!
He tackles Jeff to the ground. Possibly killing him.
The End.
Two friends, JEFF and ADAM are talking in a subway car. Jeff is holding onto the pole.
JEFF
I just think listening to music is gay.
ADAM
That would make like, EVERYBODY gay.
JEFF
Yeah, everybody except ME.
Doors open. A GUY steps into the train and immediately leans on the pole, as well as Jeff's hand. The two talk as the guy remains oblivious.
JEFF
Ugh. Ugh. I hate this.
ADAM
Eh, just move.
JEFF
It's the principle of the thing...I was here first and now this asshole leans on my hand? Why should I move?
ADAM
So do something about it.
JEFF
Well I...I don't want to like, say anything. It's the subway.
Adam shrugs.
ADAM
So anyway, music is important to a lot of people, I don't know how you could say...
JEFF
Ok forget this.
Jeff tries to remove his hand from behind the guy's back BUT HE'S STUCK.
JEFF
I can't get it out. I can't get my hand out.
ADAM
Ha, come on?
Jeff struggles, very animated, straining.
ADAM
What are you giving him a back rub?
JEFF
What the fuck is wrong with this guy?
ADAM
Maybe he really likes back rubs.
The guy burps.
JEFF (still struggling)
LET ME HAVE MY HAND BACK.
ADAM
This is our stop.
JEFF
I CAN'T GET MY HAND OUT!!!
ADAM
Come on, let's get out.
Jeff puts his foot up against the pole to try to yank his whole body away from the pole. It doesn't work.
JEFF
Sir? Excuse me, sir?
The man burps. Doesn't notice Jeff.
ADAM
Well I'm getting off here, man. I'll meet you at the bar later. Good luck.
JEFF
WAIT DON'T LEAVE!! YOU'RE MY FRIEND! FRIENDS DON'T LEAVE! FRIENDS HELP!
Jeff pounds on the guys back with his other hand, does whatever he can to get his hand out. Finally he gives up and sits on the floor, with his arm still up behind the guy. The guy stops leaning and walks towards the other side of the train.
JEFF
Oh my god, finally.
Jeff shakes the tension from his hand out, relieved. The guy, now on the other side of the train, turns to look at Jeff. There is a long pause, as Jeff looks confused and worried. He runs toward Jeff, getting faster and faster, screaming like a wild animal.
THE GUY
AaaaaaaaaAAAAAUUUUURGHHHH!!!!!!
He tackles Jeff to the ground. Possibly killing him.
The End.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Barber Shop Duet
INT. BARBER SHOP.
MURRIO, an older barber, is cutting the hair of TOM.
MURRIO
Tom Tom Tom, look at all your hair!
TOM
Yeah, I am. I see it right there in the mirror!
MURRIO
Yes, that is why we had the mirrors installed. My horrible wife, she tells me 'YOU BETTER PUT MIRRORS IN THE SHOP', for years and years, and you know what? The woman was right. So NOW...All mirrors. All over. Like a...fucking fun house.
TOM
It's great, Murrio. Great. So what's on the menu for today?
MURRIO
For you? For today? For right now? I am thinking all your hair --- ZZFFT -- Off.
TOM
You want to shave me bald? Well, you're the expert!
Murrio shaves Tom's head bald in about 2 seconds.
TOM
That's great, Murrio. Great. How much do I owe you?
MURRIO
You? Owe? You?
TOM
---
MURRIO (solemnly)
25 dollars.
Tom pays Murrio 25 dollars.
MURRIO
American dollars.
TOM
Those are American dollars.
MURRIO (stuttering, shocked)
American dollars are not green with...with...faces of these older presidential people on them!
TOM
Yes they are.
MURRIO (throwing his money to the ground)
BAH! YOU INSULT ME, THOMAS. GET OUT. Geeeeet OUT!!
TOM
Well then I want my hair back!
MURRIO (pulls wig out of his pocket, throws it at Tom)
TAKE IT BACK!! You will never make my Wall-Of-Hair!! NEVER!!!
TOM (awkwardly putting hair on head)
See you next week, Murrio.
MURRIO (sing songy)
BYE BYE BYE!
-Jordan
MURRIO, an older barber, is cutting the hair of TOM.
MURRIO
Tom Tom Tom, look at all your hair!
TOM
Yeah, I am. I see it right there in the mirror!
MURRIO
Yes, that is why we had the mirrors installed. My horrible wife, she tells me 'YOU BETTER PUT MIRRORS IN THE SHOP', for years and years, and you know what? The woman was right. So NOW...All mirrors. All over. Like a...fucking fun house.
TOM
It's great, Murrio. Great. So what's on the menu for today?
MURRIO
For you? For today? For right now? I am thinking all your hair --- ZZFFT -- Off.
TOM
You want to shave me bald? Well, you're the expert!
Murrio shaves Tom's head bald in about 2 seconds.
TOM
That's great, Murrio. Great. How much do I owe you?
MURRIO
You? Owe? You?
TOM
---
MURRIO (solemnly)
25 dollars.
Tom pays Murrio 25 dollars.
MURRIO
American dollars.
TOM
Those are American dollars.
MURRIO (stuttering, shocked)
American dollars are not green with...with...faces of these older presidential people on them!
TOM
Yes they are.
MURRIO (throwing his money to the ground)
BAH! YOU INSULT ME, THOMAS. GET OUT. Geeeeet OUT!!
TOM
Well then I want my hair back!
MURRIO (pulls wig out of his pocket, throws it at Tom)
TAKE IT BACK!! You will never make my Wall-Of-Hair!! NEVER!!!
TOM (awkwardly putting hair on head)
See you next week, Murrio.
MURRIO (sing songy)
BYE BYE BYE!
-Jordan
SKETCH WRITING MONTH
Hi everyone (anyone?) I am going to be attempting to write 30 comedy sketches for the month of September, inspired by my friend Matt Koff, and several others who are doing the same.
I haven't written a comedy sketch in years. Let's hope this isn't a total disaster.
First one coming soon.
-Jordan
I haven't written a comedy sketch in years. Let's hope this isn't a total disaster.
First one coming soon.
-Jordan
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