The Mountain

Jeff Popsburg looked at the mountain.

"Big mountain," he thought. Jeff tightened his laces, adjusted his hat, and walked toward the giant landmark.

BUMP. He walked right into the mountain. "Ow," Jeff exclaimed. He also thought this. "Ow," he thought.

He tried again. SLAM. His face right into the rock. His glasses broke. He tossed them aside. "Free glasses!" he yelled. But nobody answered. "Huh. Guess no one recognizes a good deal when they see one!"

He tried a 3rd time to conquer the majestic mountain. He walked. He walked slowly. Determined. Careful. With caution, but with aggression.

SMACK. The mountain hit him so hard in the head, that blood trickled down his forehead. It went into his mouth. He licked his lips. "So that's what blood tastes like!" Jeff realized. He grabbed his water bottle from his bag, emptied it, and filled it with more of his blood.

He drank his own blood. "This way, I can't really lose any blood, because it's going right back into me!" Jeff thought, like a fucking moron.

He died of blood loss, and from a concussion. The mountain had claimed yet another lost soul.


THE END.

Plane Folks

EXT. WING OF AN AIRPLANE

JOE and DENNIS are sitting on the wing of an airplane, 30,000 feet up in the air.

JOE

Pass the mustard

DENNIS

Sure thing. Here you go.

JOE

You know, being homeless ain't so bad.

DENNIS

Nahhh not at all.

JOE

We got fresh air. We got excitement.

DENNIS

We get to travel the world. No prior commitments to busy up our schedule.

JOE

No females, so no need to 'bring home the bacon'

DENNIS

No bacon!

JOE

No home!

DENNIS

Just me, you...

JOE

On the wing of an airplane.

DENNIS

Well I'm going to go to sleep. All this white noise from the jets are making me drowsy.

JOE

Goodnight buddy.

DENNIS takes a few steps and lies down. His body slowly starts sliding away, about to fall off the wing.

JOE

Woh woh woh! Dennis! You're sliding off the wing, man!

DENNIS

Huhh...wuh? Oh...haha, woops. Would you mind...?

JOE

Oh...No. OK.

Dennis lies back down, and Joe puts both his hands on his legs so he doesn't slide anywhere.

DENNIS

Actually, you know, I gotta take a leak.

Dennis gets up, walks a few feet away and starts to pee. His pee splashes all over the airplane windows. People inside the airplane roll their eyes in disgust and murmur disparaging remarks about homeless people, airline regulations, etc, etc.

JOE

I'm just gonna jump.

DENNIS (zipping up)

What?

JOE

I hate this lifestyle. Always worried about falling off the plane. Always having to grab each other. Piss flying everywhere. Birds flying into our faces. I accidentally ate a goose yesterday. It flew right into my mouth.

DENNIS

Oh, would you rather live on a BOAT? Or on a TRAIN? Like a regular hobo? Maybe you'd prefer to live on top of a bus? A big yellow school bus?

JOE

Maybe I DO want to live on a big yellow school bus. Just like my old man.

DENNIS

Well fine. I'll look down on you and wave once in a while.

JOE

Fine. FINE. See ya.

Joe jumps off the plane. As he's falling he aims towards a school bus he sees on the road.

JOE

What luck!

He falls into the school bus with intense velocity and causes the bus to swerve and crash and explode. Lots of people die.

DENNIS

Some people just don't have what it takes.

Dennis knocks on one of the passenger windows.

DENNIS

HEY LADY, YOU DONE WITH THAT MAGAZINE? I GOTTA TAKE A CRAP.

THE FUCKING END.