Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Prison Sketch


A prison guard is strolling back and forth and whistling in front of a jail cell, which occupies two criminals.

Nice day today, guys? Outside, I mean. Inside here it's awful. Humid and depressing and gray and dark.

The criminals don't look up, they are just sitting there staring at the floor.

You know what I did on the weekend? (waits for answer.)
I had a picnic with my beautiful wife and baby girl. She's getting really good at talking now. She said "i love you" the other day. I tell you, you don't know how beautiful life can be until your own little girl tells you she loves you for the first time.

The criminals don't react.

Then me and my wife went home and made love all night. All night. You know she used to be a model? She quit modeling to get a degree in medicine. I think she's saved dozens of lives by now. Well anyway, we had sex all night and then again this morning. Sometimes I'll wake up 2 hours early just to...

Another prison guard enters the scene, along with a PRIEST, and opens the cell. They are both very somber and silent.

Oh hey! It's the big day! Nice knowin' ya.

Guard #2 and the priest escort one of the criminals out of the scene, as the priest reads from his bible. They all walk off. The lights flicker on and off (CAUSE HE GOT PUT IN ELECTRIC CHAIR DUH.)

Man, what a way to go! You almost have to envy him though. No more wasting away in this hell hole like the rest of you pathetic pieces of shit. Man, fried in the electric chair. It almost makes me laugh! OK, it DOES make me laugh! Hahahaha!

The prison guard rolls on the floor laughing. The other remaining criminal still sits in the cell, staring down.

...hahaha. And some people hate Mondays! Hey let me ask you something. When do you get out of here? When?

The criminal ignores his question.

Well let's see, I've actually got your file right here. Ahh, Jim Kadinsky. In here for 50 to 75 years. Wow! Imagine what the world will be like in 50 years when you get out? You're like a living time capsule! Your parents will probably be dead. Your relatives. Your friends will all be old and probably won't even remember who you are. You are stuck in here while the world goes on without you, probably better for your absence. In fact, isn't it visiting hours right now? And you're in here alone? No one coming to visit you, Jim? No one at all? Nobody, no one, nobody nobody nobody?? (starts screaming) NOBODY AT ALL, JUST COMPLETELY SOLITARY EXISTENCE IN THIS JAIL CELL, WITH RATS EATING YOUR TOES AT NIGHT AND NOBODY VISITS YOU AND YOU MAY AS WELL BE A FUCKING ROTTING CORPSE BECAUSE WHERE I'M STANDING THERE AIN'T NO DIFFERENCE BECAUSE NOBODY ON THIS ENTIRE PLANET EVEN WANTS TO SPEND 15 MINUTES WITH YOU, NO ONE, NO ONE, NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The criminal looks up at him. He stands up and opens his jail cell. He approaches the guard slowly.

The criminal and the prison guard both turn to the audience and bow. Applause. Flowers are thrown at them. Sketch over.


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