Friday, September 04, 2009

Snapple

INT. SNAPPLE FACTORY.

Workers on a Snapple assembly line are bantering.

JOE
Man I really fucking hate Snapple.

ROBERTO
Tell me about it, man. I hate Snapple with the passion of ten thousand red suns.

JOE
Twenty thousand. Sometimes...I have little fantasies.

ROBERTO
Fantasies?

JOE
Fantasies. Like...what would happen if something went terribly, terribly wrong here in the old Snapple factory.

ROBERTO
But...our job is to keep things running smooth!

JOE
Hear me out. I'm saying, what if we don't do our job right...and something get's gunked up.

ROBERTO
With the Snapple?

JOE
Exactly. Like...let's say I'm bottling this here Diet Peach Iced Tea...

ROBERTO
I hate that flavor.

JOE
It's disgusting. So I'm bottling this here Diet Peach Iced Tea, and WOOPSIE, I slip and my dick goes in the bottle, then, in a blind panic, I piss inside the bottle, then I bottle up the bottle, THEN SEND IT OUT.

ROBERTO
But...if that happened, and somebody drank it, Snapple could get sued! The whole Snapple empire could crumble!

JOE
All from my hot, wet, piss.

ROBERTO
I just had a fantasy.

JOE
Tell it to me, Roberto.

ROBERTO
So I am here, I am bottling the Snapple.

JOE
Like we do.

ROBERTO (slowly, with tension)
And the Snapple comes down the conveyor belt. And I pick the Snapple up. And before I put the cap on the bottle...

FREDERICKS, the Manager, barges in.

FREDERICKS
WELL WELL WELL, HELLO THERE MY FINE SNEMPLOYEES. SNOW ARE YOU ALL SNOING TODAY?

ROBERTO/JOE
Snerrific Mr. Fredericks.

FREDERICKS
SNEXCELLENT, SNEXCELLENT. Oh, I have a SNANNOUNCEMENT to make. You are all going to be paid A LOT LESS MONEY from now on! Snah snah snah!!

Roberto and Joe sigh.

FREDERICKS
And the reason is because...Well, Snapple is making SO MUCH MONEY that there is just simply too much to go around, too much wealth for everybody, so the board members and the big fat men upstairs decided that upper management like myself SHOULD SIMPLY TAKE THE BRUNT OF THE INCOME. TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM, you could say. So all of your hard earned money will go to me!!! WHAT SAY WE SNELEBRATE???

Fredericks throws some Koosh balls at Roberto and Joe.

ROBERTO/JOE (waving arms in the air)
Yaaaaay....

FREDERICKS
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, I am off to go SNAPPLE PICKING at the family ranch. Keep working hard! Sno long, sno long!!

JOE
God, what a snasshole.

ROBERTO
I hate this job. I hate my life. My baby can't survive on Snapple! What do I do? It's hopeless!

JOE
Don't talk like that, man. Things could get better. Why don't you finish telling me your fantasy?

ROBERTO
Yeah yeah I was just going to jerk off into the kiwi-strawberry mix.

JOE
Let's do it together.

They hold hands and walk off.

THE END.

2 Comments:

Blogger JAJAC said...

This one made me laugh a lot.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

snunnny snuff!

4:46 AM  

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