Sunday, September 27, 2009

Laser Tag

INT. LASER TAG ARENA

A group of guys is doing Laser Tag. REX, the guy in charge, starts talking.

REX
OK guys! Since this is your first time here at Laser Tag-a-torium, we're gonna go over a few rules. Does anyone have a problem with that? Good. Now rule number one, no kissing. There will be NO KISSING on the laser tag floor. This game is about targeting, stealth, and planning. Not about kissing.

Everyone looks at each other.

REX
OK. Rule number 2: Nobody take your panties off. All panties have to be LEFT ON. In fact keep ALL. OF. YOUR. CLOTHES. ON. We wear these special vests so we can tally up the points at the end of the game. We're going to KEEP OUR CLOTHES ON.

Pause.

REX
Alright. Rule number 3. If you have to have sex with each other, do so AFTER THE GAME. Maybe in the bathrooms, in your houses, I DON'T CARE. I don't want to know about it. But nobody has sex in MY lasertag during MY time. I know we all want to have sex, but you could hurt your team by being distracted.

Pause.

REX
Rule number 4: If you HAVE to orgasm somewhere, try to do so in the garbage bins that are located on the SOUTH FAR RIGHT and NORTH FAR LEFT corners of the arena. This game uses black light and nobody wants to see your ejaculate lighting up the room like fireflys. THIS IS A NO EJACULATE AREA.

TEAM MEMBER
Um, excuse me? I think we're good to play. I don't think any of us plan on going against...any of these rules.

REX
Oh really? How long have you been running Laser Tag? 0 years? REALLY. Look. I know the game. I know what happens during the game. I know that tensions flare up, and passion gets out of control. I know some people's girlfriends like to fuck their roommates in the back of the Laser Tag arena where you reload your laser gun during a free game on your birthday. I know all about it.

Everyone looks awkward.

REX
So listen to the rules and THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME, OKAY? Rule number 5: If you must cheat on your boyfriend by the reload station, be prepared to fight. Don't press charges when you end up in the hospital with three broken noses and a bloody ear. This is MY ARENA, and if you VIOLATE it, you will PAY the CONSEQUENCES. Rule number 6: Have a good time gang! Alright, everybody ready? And...GO! GO! GO!

Everyone jumps into action and starts making out with each other and having sex with each other.

THE END.

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