The Mountain

Jeff Popsburg looked at the mountain.

"Big mountain," he thought. Jeff tightened his laces, adjusted his hat, and walked toward the giant landmark.

BUMP. He walked right into the mountain. "Ow," Jeff exclaimed. He also thought this. "Ow," he thought.

He tried again. SLAM. His face right into the rock. His glasses broke. He tossed them aside. "Free glasses!" he yelled. But nobody answered. "Huh. Guess no one recognizes a good deal when they see one!"

He tried a 3rd time to conquer the majestic mountain. He walked. He walked slowly. Determined. Careful. With caution, but with aggression.

SMACK. The mountain hit him so hard in the head, that blood trickled down his forehead. It went into his mouth. He licked his lips. "So that's what blood tastes like!" Jeff realized. He grabbed his water bottle from his bag, emptied it, and filled it with more of his blood.

He drank his own blood. "This way, I can't really lose any blood, because it's going right back into me!" Jeff thought, like a fucking moron.

He died of blood loss, and from a concussion. The mountain had claimed yet another lost soul.


THE END.

Plane Folks

EXT. WING OF AN AIRPLANE

JOE and DENNIS are sitting on the wing of an airplane, 30,000 feet up in the air.

JOE

Pass the mustard

DENNIS

Sure thing. Here you go.

JOE

You know, being homeless ain't so bad.

DENNIS

Nahhh not at all.

JOE

We got fresh air. We got excitement.

DENNIS

We get to travel the world. No prior commitments to busy up our schedule.

JOE

No females, so no need to 'bring home the bacon'

DENNIS

No bacon!

JOE

No home!

DENNIS

Just me, you...

JOE

On the wing of an airplane.

DENNIS

Well I'm going to go to sleep. All this white noise from the jets are making me drowsy.

JOE

Goodnight buddy.

DENNIS takes a few steps and lies down. His body slowly starts sliding away, about to fall off the wing.

JOE

Woh woh woh! Dennis! You're sliding off the wing, man!

DENNIS

Huhh...wuh? Oh...haha, woops. Would you mind...?

JOE

Oh...No. OK.

Dennis lies back down, and Joe puts both his hands on his legs so he doesn't slide anywhere.

DENNIS

Actually, you know, I gotta take a leak.

Dennis gets up, walks a few feet away and starts to pee. His pee splashes all over the airplane windows. People inside the airplane roll their eyes in disgust and murmur disparaging remarks about homeless people, airline regulations, etc, etc.

JOE

I'm just gonna jump.

DENNIS (zipping up)

What?

JOE

I hate this lifestyle. Always worried about falling off the plane. Always having to grab each other. Piss flying everywhere. Birds flying into our faces. I accidentally ate a goose yesterday. It flew right into my mouth.

DENNIS

Oh, would you rather live on a BOAT? Or on a TRAIN? Like a regular hobo? Maybe you'd prefer to live on top of a bus? A big yellow school bus?

JOE

Maybe I DO want to live on a big yellow school bus. Just like my old man.

DENNIS

Well fine. I'll look down on you and wave once in a while.

JOE

Fine. FINE. See ya.

Joe jumps off the plane. As he's falling he aims towards a school bus he sees on the road.

JOE

What luck!

He falls into the school bus with intense velocity and causes the bus to swerve and crash and explode. Lots of people die.

DENNIS

Some people just don't have what it takes.

Dennis knocks on one of the passenger windows.

DENNIS

HEY LADY, YOU DONE WITH THAT MAGAZINE? I GOTTA TAKE A CRAP.

THE FUCKING END.

A Mix Of Every Sketch I Wrote in September

JORDAN comes out on stage.

JORDAN
Hi everybody!! In order to deal with personal problems in my life, I embarked on writing 30 comedy sketches in 30 days, in accordance with National Sketchwriting Month. My good friend Matt Koff was the one who told me about it! Take a bow, Matt!

MATT stands up, the audience boos him.

JORDAN
Haha, we love Matt here. Well anyway, this is my 30th sketch, and I thought that the other 29 I wrote were GOOD, but not GREAT. Maybe if I took pieces of them, and worked them into one new SUPER SKETCH, I'd have the funniest comedy sketch ever written! Let's take a look...

INT. BARBER SHOP/EYE DOCTOR

BARBER
Oh mama mia! My hand is stuck behind this guys head of hair! I hate when this happens! Don't you, Eye Doctor?

EYE DOCTOR
Yes, yes, I hate that.

The eye doctor pulls a salsa jar out of his pocket.

EYE DOCTOR
Mmmm, that's good salsa!

The eye doctor pulls a snapple out of his pants.

EYE DOCTOR
This is snapple-tastic!!

Suddenly JOEY walks in with a noose around his neck.

JOEY
Hey! Do you guys sell any candy canes?

BARBER/EYE DOCTOR
NO! GET OUT OF HERE!

A TV is on in the background.

REPORTER
Breaking story: Dr. Flab has died. Again: Dr. Flab has died in a coal mining accident.

BARBER
Ah, stupid coal miners! Think they're so great!

REPORTER
And now with the weather, our lovely weather lady, Donna!

DONNA
I am just really, really indifferent to the weather. It may rain, there may be hurricanes. Go to the beach. I don't care.

REPORTER
Thank you, Donna! Stay tuned tonight for a new episode of Ben's Castle, featuring the Bad Jugglers and the Cookie Brothers!

EYE DOCTOR
TV these days, it's all filth!

DAVE walks in to the barber shop.

DAVE
Man, this mosquito bite is KILLING my balls! Say, is this the eye doctor-barber shop?

BARBER
Yes sir!

DAVE
That is so weird you guys combined businesses! That's a sketch!

EYE DOCTOR
Right. Can we help you?

DAVE
Oh, I was just on the way to see Petey The Antelope's Picnic Adventure, the director's cut, and I thought I'd stop in and take some of your coupons.

BARBER
Yes yes yes, take the coupons.

DAVE
Great! I can't wait to--Ahhh...AHHH....AHHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO POOPOOO DOODOOO PEEPEE WAWAWA!!!!!!!

BARBER
God bless you.

DAVE
Thanks. Anyway, I can't wait to see this movie! I heard a guy and a girl walk into a kitchen or something! Bye!!

Dave leaves.

EYE DOCTOR
Ehh, these flashy new movies, with people walking into kitchens. It's all MTV and BOOM BOOM BOOM.

BARBER
Yes, it's true. It reminds me of this dream I had!

EYE DOCTOR
Oh?

BARBER
Yeah...well, since I started using my bed tubes my dreams have been very strange! It's like I know I'm dreaming!

EYE DOCTOR
Weirdy beardy!

BARBER
So anyway, in this dream, I'm going down a water slide, and it leads me to this haunted house, and there's this man with a chainsaw!

EYE DOCTOR
I DON'T LIKE CHAINSAWS!

BARBER
And I do!? So then, this chainsaw guy chases me, but then I escape and I'm in this magical forest, and I start singing this queer song!

EYE DOCTOR
Don't sing it, please.

BARBER
I don't remember it. Well anyway, NEXT CUSTOMER.

NICK sits in the barber chair.

NICK
HURRY! MOVE IT! CUT MY HAIR! MOVE!! GO!!!

BARBER
Such an angry man, you are! Maybe I will take this chair and drop it in the ocean!

NICK
SORRY! I'm just mad cause my girlfriend cheated on me at Laser Tag.

BARBER
Yes, that place, it is a hot spot for such affairs I hear.

NICK
Yeah! Well, just a little off the top please.

The barber shaves Nick bald.

NICK
ARGGHGHH!!!

Nick leaves.

EYE DOCTOR
What a cranky customer!

BARBER
Ahh, he's a good man.

EYE DOCTOR
No, he's an asshole.

BARBER
NO YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

EYE DOCTOR
I oughtta punch your face!

BARBER
You would never do that!

EYE DOCTOR
You're right, I can't. It's not my nature. So what are you doing tonight? Me and the wife are thinking of ordering in some Dominos.

BARBER
Bah! Dominos, they should all burn in Hell for their terrible service! Sure, what time?

EYE DOCTOR
7:30 PM.

BARBER
I'll be there! OH! Wait! I can't. I'm being put to death at 8.

EYE DOCTOR
Death?

BARBER
Yes, electric chair. I didn't pay my last 5 parking tickets, and this judge sentenced me to DEATH BY ELECTRIC CHAIR!

Prison guard walks in.

PRISON GUARD
Come on, Barber. It's time to pay the piper! Hahaha, man, what a great day for me, I love when I get to take a walk around the neighborhood, you know? Too bad you never will again!

Jordan walks out on stage.

JORDAN
THE END! Thank you everyone who checked in on my sketches, whether every day or just once in a while. Hope you had as much fun reading them as I had trying to write them! Keep checking this blog for more stuff! I'm not done by a long shot!

MATT
HOORAY FOR JORDAN!

AUDIENCE
HOORAY FOR JORDAN! HOORAY FOR JORDAN! HOORAY FOR JORDAN!



THE END.

Order in the Funny Court

INT. COURTROOM

LAWYER
And so, Mister Gaffy, you walked all the way upstairs.

MR. GAFFY
That's correct.

LAWYER
And then you went INTO THE BATHROOM...

MR. GAFFY
...Yes.

LAWYER
And you brushed your TEETH. ONE brush TWO brush THREE brush FOUR.

MR. GAFFY
Yes. Something like that.

LAWYER
And then you put on your PAJAMAS. What kind of pajamas were they?

MR. GAFFY
Like a...a flannel thing. Comfy.

LAWYER
And then what?

MR. GAFFY
I think I...

LAWYER
YOU THINK?

MR. GAFFY
I went into my bedroom.

LAWYER
But you didn't go to bed, did you?

MR. GAFFY
No. No? No.

LAWYER
You checked your e-mail ONE LAST TIME before going to sleep.

MR. GAFFY
Ah, yes, I always do that.

LAWYER
And then you shut down your computer, and you climbed into bed.

MR. GAFFY
Oh god. Yes. It's true.

LAWYER
And then...you slept! You slept like a little baby.

MR. GAFFY
Yes. Yes a very nice sleep.

LAWYER
No further questions!

JUDGE
Mr. Gaffy you may step down.

Mr.Gaffy hesitates for a moment and awkwardly goes to the bench.

JUDGE
I've heard all I need to. Mr. Gaffy I sentence you to death by electric chair. Good day everybody.

MR.GAFFY
Well, what's fair is fair.

JURY
Yay!


THE END.

Water Slide

EXT. WATER PARK

Kids BRUCE and KENDRA and DAD at water park.

BRUCE
I want to go on the water slide next!

DAD
Hahaha, sure thing. Man, kids love these water slides don't they?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Whatever.

KENDRA
This water slide looks dangerous!

BRUCE
Yeah! Let's go on it!

DAD
Say there uh, water slide man, is this dangerous at all?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Yes.

DAD
Well if the man says it's OK, sure thing kids! Go on!

Bruce and Kendra go down the water slide. The slide is let into a glass acquarium with no top. There are dead children everywhere.

DAD
Hey uhh...can they get out of that thing?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Huh? What? Oh...no. You need a special key to open up the top.

DAD
I, uh, I think my kids are...drowning.

WATER SLIDE GUY
Huh? Yeah. Yeah they drown on this ride.

DAD
My wife's going to kill me! Can you get them out? What if I make it...interesting for you?

Dad slips the guy a $5 bill.

WATER SLIDE GUY
Look sir, it's park policy to empty out the bodies after closing time. Please, you're blocking the line.

3 other little kids go down the slide, yelling happily.

DAD
Ahhh...I hate to go against policy. I'm just going to miss them, you know?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Sir is there something I can help you with or are you done here?

DAD
OH! Sorry, didn't mean to intrude on the business. I'll just make my way back to the parking lot. What was your name again?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Ugh.

DAD
Yes, ok then. I will...probably see ya next summer. This really is a fun place to bring the kids. Maybe I'll bring my niece and nephew.

WATER SLIDE GUY
Alright, NEXT UP.

20 children jump down the water slide.


THE END.

Laser Tag

INT. LASER TAG ARENA

A group of guys is doing Laser Tag. REX, the guy in charge, starts talking.

REX
OK guys! Since this is your first time here at Laser Tag-a-torium, we're gonna go over a few rules. Does anyone have a problem with that? Good. Now rule number one, no kissing. There will be NO KISSING on the laser tag floor. This game is about targeting, stealth, and planning. Not about kissing.

Everyone looks at each other.

REX
OK. Rule number 2: Nobody take your panties off. All panties have to be LEFT ON. In fact keep ALL. OF. YOUR. CLOTHES. ON. We wear these special vests so we can tally up the points at the end of the game. We're going to KEEP OUR CLOTHES ON.

Pause.

REX
Alright. Rule number 3. If you have to have sex with each other, do so AFTER THE GAME. Maybe in the bathrooms, in your houses, I DON'T CARE. I don't want to know about it. But nobody has sex in MY lasertag during MY time. I know we all want to have sex, but you could hurt your team by being distracted.

Pause.

REX
Rule number 4: If you HAVE to orgasm somewhere, try to do so in the garbage bins that are located on the SOUTH FAR RIGHT and NORTH FAR LEFT corners of the arena. This game uses black light and nobody wants to see your ejaculate lighting up the room like fireflys. THIS IS A NO EJACULATE AREA.

TEAM MEMBER
Um, excuse me? I think we're good to play. I don't think any of us plan on going against...any of these rules.

REX
Oh really? How long have you been running Laser Tag? 0 years? REALLY. Look. I know the game. I know what happens during the game. I know that tensions flare up, and passion gets out of control. I know some people's girlfriends like to fuck their roommates in the back of the Laser Tag arena where you reload your laser gun during a free game on your birthday. I know all about it.

Everyone looks awkward.

REX
So listen to the rules and THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME, OKAY? Rule number 5: If you must cheat on your boyfriend by the reload station, be prepared to fight. Don't press charges when you end up in the hospital with three broken noses and a bloody ear. This is MY ARENA, and if you VIOLATE it, you will PAY the CONSEQUENCES. Rule number 6: Have a good time gang! Alright, everybody ready? And...GO! GO! GO!

Everyone jumps into action and starts making out with each other and having sex with each other.

THE END.

Dream Sketch

INT. McDonalds

MATT
So, this is McDonalds, huh?

DAVE
Yeah, isn't it great!

MATT
Yes it is great. I like the food at McDonalds.

DAVE
Yeah! Hey, you know that book you wrote? It's on fire.

Matt turns and sees a book on fire.

MATT
Oh no, but I spent 10 years writing that book!

DAVE
10 years? You're not even 10 years old!

MATT
What? Wait...something is strange here.

DAVE
Man I'm so full, I think I'm going to throw up.

MATT
Is this...a dream? I'm in a dream aren't I?

DAVE
A dream? You know...I think you're right. This is a dream. We never go to McDonalds.

MATT
So this is a dream...and I KNOW it's a dream. So I can make anything happen now?

DAVE
That may be true. That may be true.

MATT
OK. I want to have sex with every girl in here!

DAVE
....Maybe you have to say it louder.

MATT
Okay. LISTEN SUBCONSCIOUS -- I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY GIRL IN HERE!!!!

DAVE
Nothing's happening. Wait...try this...

Dave whispers in Matt's ear.

MATT
Hm. I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY GUY IN HERE!!

Suddenly all the guys in McDonald's line up in a row and bend over in front of Matt.

MATT
Oh...weird. So this is what I want?

DAVE
Better get started.

MATT
But I don't think I want this. Ok, let me try something simpler. I WANT TO FLY!

Nothing happens.

DAVE
Nothing's happening.

MATT
I WANT TO FLY!

Matt jumps around. Nothing happens. A black man walks into McDonalds and starts screaming.

BLACK MAN
FUCK ALL YOU WHITE MOTHERFUCKERS! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU BITCHES!

MATT
Uhhh

DAVE
That's kind of racist. Are you...racist?

MATT
If your dream is racist does that make you racist?

BLACK MAN
ALL YOU WHITE PEOPLE ARE GONNA DIE.

MATT
Why would I dream this? I don't think I'm racist.

DAVE
I guess you're scared of black people?

MATT
I WANT THIS BLACK MAN TO BE NICE AND NOT SCARY ANYMORE!

The black man charges up to Matt.

BLACK MAN
Hi there sir, may I shine your shoes?

MATT
Ahhhh wait...I didn't mean to make him like...my servant. This isn't what I want...

DAVE
So you're really racist.

MATT
I DON'T WANT ANY BLACK PEOPLE IN MY DREAM!!!

The black guy walks over and bends over like the other men in the dream.

DAVE
Maybe you should just wake up.

MATT
This is so confusing!!!

DAVE
Well I gotta go, I have a date with Laura Prepon.

MATT
From That 70's Show?

DAVE
I guess.

MATT
I WANT TO LEAVE THIS DREAM WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!

Matt wakes up in bed.

MATT
Wow...what a weird dream. Honey...I just had the weirdest dream.

A gorilla wearing a cheerleader outfit comes out of the bathroom, holding an accordion.

GORILLA
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!


THE END.

Candy Shop

INT. CANDY STORE

We are in a candy store. MANAGER and CLERK are talking.

MANAGER
GOD DAMN IT! THESE CANDY CANES HAVEN'T MOVED ALL MONTH! TONY! ARE YOU PUSHING THE CANDY CANES?

TONY
Nobody seems to want to buy the candy canes. Even after we made the sign.

Tony takes out a massively giant sign that says "BUY A CANDY CANE MAYBE WHY DON'T YOU?"

MANAGER
BAH!!! That sign has too many words! Make it say... "CANDY CANE: BUY IT, SHMUCK!"

TONY
Oh so just like the gummy bears sign?

MANAGER
YEAH, SHMUCK! And while we're at it...Why aren't you doing the candy dance?

TONY
Ughh...Because it's stupid.

MANAGER
But you gotta do the candy dance for every sale! That's what keeps people coming back!

TONY
But don't you think doing it at EVERY sale is just too much? I mean we get a ton of customers here, people are always buying candy...

MANAGER
DO THE CANDY DANCE!!! NOW!!!!

The manager pulls up a chair and sits in it, ready to be an "audience" for the candy dance. Tony looks at him a disgruntled beat then starts the candy dance. It's a wacky routine with a red and white striped hat, a giant candy cane and involves lots of frolicking and jumping and candy prop shenanigans.

TONY
And that's why we doooo the candy daaaaaaance.

MANAGER
HAHAHAHA! YEAH, YOU GOTTA DO THAT EVERY SALE!

TONY
Alright. Can we at least cut it down? Maybe cut out 2 minutes?

MANAGER
WHY? GOT SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU NEED TO BE?

TONY
Huh, I guess not. I just feel kind of winded doing that 60 times a day.

MANAGER
WELL EAT SOME MORE CANDY! GET YOUR BLOOD SUGAR UP!

A customer walks in.

CUSTOMER
Hi, do you have donuts?

MANAGER
DONUTS?!? DONUTS?

TONY
Are donuts candy?

MANAGER
OF COURSE NOT! GET OUT OF HERE! NO DONUTS HERE! WHAT DO WE LOOK LIKE A KRISPETIE KREMERY OR SOMETHING?

CUSTOMER
My apologies. I'll just show myself out. Hey candy canes!

MANAGER
TOO LATE MISSY! GET OUT!

She runs out.

TONY
Aw man, we had a candy cane sale!

MANAGER
EHH HER MONEY'S NO GOOD HERE. Sometimes I swear, I feel like burning this place to the ground, watching it melt while the rats eat up every last inch of it.

TONY
Heh.

MANAGER
BUUUT THAT JUST ISN'T GOOD BUSINESS. Tony...do the candy dance again, cheer an old man up.

TONY
Maybe I should just go work at Krispy Kreme. I bet they don't make their employees do a "donut dance"

MANAGER
YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!


THE END.

Charles in the Forest

EXT. FOREST

CHARLES and AMANDA are walking in a forest. Charles stops.

CHARLES
Look at that tree! That's the biggest tree I ever did see!

AMANDA
Yeah, it's a big tree.

CHARLES
That I ever did see! Let's go inside!

AMANDA
Uhh...inside?

CHARLES
Look, there's a squirrel hole! LET'S GO INSIDE THE TREE!

AMANDA
That whole is about as big as your fist. Let's just keep walking, we're almost back home.

CHARLES
NO...Something about this forest...it's just so magical. It's so...well it just makes me want to sing a song! A magical forest song!

AMANDA
That's great Charles, really. Let's go. Come on.

CHARLES (singing)
Oh the creatures in the forest / they're all just like us....

AMANDA
Um.

CHARLES
They scamper all around / and they burrow into the ground
And the fairies and elves look like ourselves
They live in our hearts, they come out in the dark

Charles scoops up a handful of leaves and dumps them on Amanda's head

AMANDA
Arggh!

CHARLES
Taste these leaves or dip them in your tea
Lick the sap off the cherry tree
The forest is a place for youuuuuu
aaaaaaand
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

AMANDA
That was really, really nice Charles. Now stop it.

CHARLES
I think I'm going to just stay here.

AMANDA
No?

CHARLES
Just go on without me. My home is here now.

AMANDA
So this is why mom told me never to take you to the forest...

CHARLES
YES...THE EVIL WITCH OF THE HOUSE HAS KEPT ME FROM THE TREES SINCE I WAS THREE.

AMANDA
Oh not again with the rhyming.

CHARLES
GO AMANDA. LEAVE ME BE. Wait...I must give you something before you go.

Charles digs into the ground.

CHARLES
Here.

AMANDA
This is a...dead sparrow?

CHARLES
Bring him home. Take care of him.

AMANDA (giving up)
Okay. I'll see you later. Say hi to the...squirrels for me.

CHARLES
Ahh you'll have to try much harder than that to win the favor of the squirrels! They're definitely a --

AMANDA (interrupting)
Ok, whatever.

Amanda leaves.


THE END (?)

Donna's Indifference

INT. Restaurant

ERIC and DONNA are on a first date.

ERIC
So this is good, right?

DONNA
Ah..hmm?

ERIC
The restaurant...good choice?

DONNA
Oh yeah, I mean, anything's good. I am not a picky girl.

ERIC
Oh cool. Very down to earth.

DONNA
Yep, I'm up for anything! I'll eat anywhere. Very easy to please.

ERIC
That's...good.

DONNA
Eat anywhere, with anyone. I don't care. It's all the same to me.

ERIC
Really.

DONNA
Yep, you can't impress me, because I don't care. You could be anyone right now...tall, short, fat, ugly, whatever. I'll date you, why the hell not?

ERIC
Well...don't I feel...special.

WAITER
Hello there, are you ready to order?

DONNA
Sure, I'll just have any old bullshit, whatever.

ERIC
I need another minute to decide.

WAITER
Hmph.

ERIC
Donna, I'm getting the sense that you're kind of...what's the word...indifferent?

DONNA
To what?

ERIC
Well everything I guess, but specifically, me?

DONNA
Oh no no, not at all. You're awesome.

Donna drinks from her glass of water.

DONNA
Mmmm, this glass of water is AWESOME.

ERIC
Alright, whatever. Let's just get this god damn date over with.

DONNA
Exactly.

FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER!

ERIC (checking his watch, confirming it's the end of the date)
And the date ends...now.

DONNA
See ya.

ERIC
Bye.

They both run away from the table in opposite directions, throwing their food in the air as they take off.


THE END.

DVD Commentary

INT. Recording studio

People are recording a DVD commentary track.

ENGINEER
Alright guys, so we're gonna go ahead with recording this commentary track. We try to do these things in one take, so just relax, have fun with it, and try to keep the dialogue consistent.

DIRECTOR
No problem.

ACTOR
Yep yep.

ENGINEER
And...we're rolling.

DIRECTOR
Ok, so this here is the OPENING CREDITS for the movie.

ACTOR
They are beautiful.

DIRECTOR
Some graphic design guy did these fucking things.

ACTOR
Looks good to me.

DIRECTOR
Yeah. Hey there's your name buddy!

ACTOR
My fucking name, right there!

ENGINEER
Uh...Hey guys, I'm going to stop this for a second. I just want to make sure you guys understand...this is going on the DVD.

DIRECTOR
Yeah, man.

ENGINEER
Okaaay...it's just...this is commentary for Petey the Antelope's Picnic Adventure. You know...little kid movie?

DIRECTOR
Well if they are INTERESTED in the PROCESS they must get an HONEST and truthful commentary from the ARTISTS.

ENGINEER
No no, you can be as honest as you want, it's just...the language?

ACTOR
English?

ENGINEER
The cursing. Please keep this down. I mean, we can bleep you in post production but I'd rather it not come to that, you know?

DIRECTOR
Sure. PROCEED. Please.

ENGINEER
Alright...we are a go.

DIRECTOR
Ahh, and so my children, the movie begins.

ACTOR
Ah we have Rose McGowan here doing the voice of Missy Antelope.

DIRECTOR
Beautiful, beautiful woman.

ACTOR
You know, me and her...we...heh heh...remember that day I wouldn't come out of my trailer?

DIRECTOR
You fucked her? You fucked her?

The enginner gives him a frantic look.

DIRECTOR
Oh, SORRY. You...had sex with Rose McGowan?

ACTOR
Yep. She is a FREAK.

DIRECTOR
Well I should know...I had sex with her too!

ACTOR
What!? Hahaha.

DIRECTOR
Me and you should have teamed up on her, that would be something to write home about!

ENGINEER
OK guys, seriously? Little kids don't want to hear about this stuff...I don't want to hear about this stuff. Can we please keep it clean?

ACTOR
We weren't cursing!

ENGINEER
Don't talk about things of a graphic, sexual nature on Petey the Antelope's Picnic Adventure, alright?

DIRECTOR
How the hell are we supposed to fill up 70 minutes of this thing?

ENGINEER
NOT. MY. PROBLEM. We're rolling.

DIRECTOR
Ah, here we go, the big wake up scene. We have Petey's mommy waking him up to go to school.

ACTOR
I had to practice yawning for several days before we recorded this. I had a yawn coach.

DIRECTOR
Oh well it paid off. Hey, you don't have any coke on you do you?

ACTOR
Oh sure right here.

DIRECTOR
SNORRRRRRRRRRT

ACTOR
SNOOOORRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

ENGINEER
OH MY GOD! You guys can't snort coke on a DVD commentary!

DIRECTOR
YOU WANT SOME OF THIS SHIT?

ENGINEER
How did you guys even get this movie together? Jesus christ! Fine, do what you want. The studio will have to judge the results on their own. I just press the "record" button.

DIRECTOR
PETEY YOU BEAUTIFUL BITCH YOU BETTER NOT RUIN THAT FUCKING PICNIC

ACTOR (vomits)
BLARGHGHGHGHG


THE END.

Mosquito Farm

EXT. MOSQUITO FARM

A farmer is showing some kids around the mosquito farm.

FARMER
Well here we are at the old mosquito farm! Yep, the government tried to shut us down but we're still kickin', breeding hundreds of millions of mosquitoes and letting them loose on our fragile lil' ecosystem!

BILLY
AUGH!!!! My face!

FARMER
Well looks like someone's made a friend or two! Don't worry son, if you leave THEM alone, they'll leave YOU alone.

Billy falls down dead.

FARMER
Or am I thinkin' of honeybees? Oh yeah, that's true, mosquitoes will attack a corpse if it got two drops of blood left in 'er!

SUSIE
My arm! My arm!

Susie's arm is covered in 200 mosquitoes.

FARMER
Ain't you just the cutest little pumpkin pie? What's your name?

Susie falls down dead.

FARMER
Allergic to mosquitoes I imagine. Well let me continue the tour, that school of yours didn't pay me for nothin...So now if you look over at this building, this is our Breeding Castle, sort of like a little motel for mosquitoes to go about their business, packed with pheromones and chemicals to make sure they breed 50 times as much as usual.

A kid, PETER runs into it.

FARMER
Oh now Peter I wouldn't go running in there...

A distsnt scream

FARMER
Aaaaand he's dead. Yeah they will just cover a young man head to toe who runs in there. Bleed you dry, they will.

Pause.

FARMER
And it looks like I'm out of kids. And I didn't even get to show them the giant mosquitoes!

Three giant mosquitoes walk on with tennis rackets.

FARMER
Gonna be a good game today, boys!

MOSQUITOES
BZZZZZ.


THE END.

Nick's Road Rage

EXT. STREET.

NICK is driving his car with his wife MARLA. Nick starts honking horn.

NICK
God damn it!! Look at this guy! GREEN LIGHT MEANS GO ASSHOLE!! GO! Some people aren't just driving for fun and are actually trying to GET TO A DESTINATION.

HONK. HONK.

NICK
Move your shitty car, stupid!! Ahaah. One or two inches ain't gonna do it! You gotta keep going! YOU GOTTA KEEP DRIVING YOUR CAR DOWN THE STREET, as good citizens do! MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR, SHIT-FUCK! MOVE YOUR FUCKING FUCK OF A CAR!! Ah, there you go. There you -- wait. Don't move backwards. Don't do that!

The car in front of them is moving backwards and hits Nick's car. The car is now pushing Nick's car backwards as well.

NICK
Woh! Hey, where are we going? What the hell! Stop pushing me backwards!! Oh no! Hey we're passing our house again! HEY MISTER STOP DOING THIS! Oh no! We're heading towards the ocean! SIR PLEASE STOP PUSHING US TOWARDS THE OCEAN.

The cars are on a beach and going towards the water.

NICK
Oh no, we're in the water! MISTER STOP! Oh god, water is getting in the car!

The other car stopped pushing and drives away, but now Nick's car is too far in the water to drive out.

NICK
I'm drifting out to sea! Honey, this is crazy! Looks like you're going to miss your haircut!

MARLA (thick long island accent)
Oh GAWD DAMN IT!



THE END

Steve Sneezes

EXT. PARK

DAN and STEVE are in a park. STEVE sneezes.

STEVE
Ahhh...ahhh...CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO!!!!

DAN
Uh...bless you?

STEVE
Whew! Thanks.

DAN
So...that's how you sneeze, huh?

STEVE
Wha? Yeah, must be allergic to the plants or something.

DAN
Do you sneeze like that all the time?

STEVE
Well...I sneeze when something irritates my nasal passages.

DAN
No, I know, but...like that?

STEVE
Like wha...Ahhh...AHH

DAN
Oh no.

STEVE
AHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO GOOCHY GOOCHY GOO!!!

DAN
Do you sneeze like that on dates?

STEVE
Well like, yeah, I've sneezed on dates.

DAN
And the girls never call you back, do they.

STEVE
Not a single one. What sluts!

DAN
Maybe you should see a doctor?

STEVE
About what? About my...Ahhh...AHHH....AHHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO POOPOOO DOODOOO PEEPEE WAWAWA!!!!!!!

DAN
Doodoo peepee? Seriously?

STEVE
HUH? I am completely oblivious to what you are trying to tell me right now.

DAN
Yeah, I've noticed. It's kind of irritating.

STEVE
Well I'm an irritating guy.

DAN
I'm deleting your number from my phone.


THE END.

Haunted House Ride

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK

A MOM and her two children, SALLY and JIMMY, are in line for a haunted house ride.

MOM
My goodness these lines take forever!

SALLY
I don't want to go on this ride! I'm scared of ghosts!

JIMMY
There aren't real ghosts! It's just people in costumes!

SALLY
I'm afraid of that too!

MOM
We've been on this line for 45 minutes, WE ARE GOING ON THIS RIDE.

SALLY
But I heard inside there's a man with a chainsaw! I don't like chainsaws!!

JIMMY
A chainsaw!? Is the man going to cut us up, mom?

MOM
Probably not. Hey we're almost next in line!

SALLY
I DON'T WANT TO GO I'M SCARED OF DYING!

MOM
We're all scared of dying, Sally. Just get on the ride.

JIMMY
Yeah, get on the ride!! Don't you want to DIE?!

SALLY
NO!!!

MOM
It's just a ride, you won't die for a very long time. Nobody has died on a haunted house ride.

RIDE OPERATOR
Actually uh, there have been a few casualties throughout the years on this particular ride. Decapitations, suffocations, castrations...

MOM
Oh! And it's still operational?

RIDE OPERATOR
Oh this has been checked out up and down for safety violations. There hasn't been an accident for four months, tops.

MOM
JUST GET ON THE RIDE SALLY! AND JIMMY, PROTECT YOUR SISTER FROM THE CHAINSAW MAN.

The two children get on the ride.

RIDE OPERATOR
Say uh, ain't you gonna get on the ride with the little tykes?

MOM
Oh, what would be the point of that. So...working a haunted house ride must be tough on a big, strong man like yourself...

While the mom flirts, the operator, flustered, pulls the lever and the ride goes off the tracks and falls off a cliff.

CHILDREN
AUGGHH!!!!


THE END.

Ben's Castle

INT. CASTLE

BEN and JERRY are walking into Ben's new castle.

BEN
So this is my new place!

JERRY
Wow, a castle! I mean...wow. A CASTLE!

BEN
Yep, my own castle! Wanna see something cool?

Ben pulls a lever on the side of the wall. Crocodiles on strings hang down from the ceiling.

JERRY
WOW!!!!

BEN
Yeah, in case someone is giving me trouble, KA-JINK, this lever goes down and the crocodiles bite their head off.

JERRY
So do you have to like, feed them?

BEN
I dunno. Hey, check this out.

Ben takes his pants and underwear off.

JERRY
What the fuck?

Ben goes to a hole in the castle wall and starts having sex with it.

BEN
It's got a fuck hole!!!

JERRY
A fuck hole!?

BEN
Yeah, man! These old castles are full of them!

JERRY
You sure that's not just like...a hole? A regular old hole, like from the granite decaying?

BEN
No man! It's a fuck hole! Read your Shakespeare!

JERRY
I really don't want to watch you doing this. Why don't you show me the library or something? You said they had a huge crazy library...

BEN
Oh OK, sure. The library has some REALLY tight fuck holes.

JERRY
Ugh no, no more fuck holes! When you told me you moved into a castle I thought there would be all these cool secret passageways and stuff.

BEN
Well, in a way, these fuck holes ARE secret passageways.

JERRY
Look, I gotta head out. Meet me outside by the moat when you're done.

BEN
Just don't drink the water! You know where all these fuck holes drain into, right?

JERRY
Blurghghgh.


THE END.

Movie Theater Patrons

INT. MOVIE THEATER

A bunch of friends are seeing a movie.

DOUG
I heard this movie was THE SHIT.

CHRIS
I heard this movie IS SHIT.

PAMELA
I never HEARD of this MOVIE.

OLD GUY
Will you kids shut up!?

DOUG
I heard that old guy behind us SHIT HIMSELF

CHRIS
I heard that old guy behind us was gay as SHIT.

PAMELA
What old guy behind us?

DOUG
HEY THE MOVIE IS STARTING.

The movie starts. You hear an orchestral score.

CHRIS
What's with all these words?

DOUG
Yeah I don't get it, HUH?

PAMELA
Are these real words?

OLD GUY
They're the opening credits you retards!!

DOUG
SHUT UP!

CHRIS
So they're like...names?

PAMELA
Are our names going to come up?

CHRIS
OH SHIT! That's awesome!

OLD GUY
They're names of people who worked on the movie! Jesus!

DOUG
SHUT UP! Oh ok, the words are going away!

CHRIS
I THINK THE MOVIE IS STARTING, YOU GUYS! HEY OLD GUY! THE MOVIE IS STARTING!

OLD GUY
Stop talking!

DOUG
What's that??

CHRIS
Huh!?!?

PAMELA
Is that a house?

DOUG
Who's house is that??!?

CHRIS
That's not MY house.

PAMELA
It's not MY house.

DOUG
It's not --

OLD GUY
Oh my god, it's not any of your houses! It's a movie! We'll find out who's house it is in 2 seconds!

DOUG
Hey I think it's that woman's house.

PAMELA
Ooh, she's pretty.

CHRIS (to movie screen)
Hey baby, what's your phone number? Let me get it. Let me get it.

DOUG
HAHA she's totally ignoring you!

CHRIS
Baby. Let me get it. Let me get it.

OLD GUY
It's a movie! She can't hear you!

CHRIS
STOP FUCKING COCK BLOCKING ME, OLD GUY.

PAMELA
Hey look, is that her husband?

CHRIS
Oh shit, she's married.

Chris ducks down.

DOUG
What are they talking about?

CHRIS
I don't know!!!

PAMELA
It's like they're talking about something...or something!!

OLD GUY
SHUT UP AND JUST WATCH THE MOVIE!

DOUG
Is that a window on the house?

CHRIS
No, you fucking stupid shit, it's not a...oh yeah, that's a window.

PAMELA
That's a NICE window. It's big.

DOUG
THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!!!!

OLD GUY
Oh my fucking god, forget this, I'm leaving.

CHRIS
Oh look the old guy is bidding us adieu.

PAMELA
What old guy?

CHRIS
Hey look at the movie!! They're walking into another room in the house!

PAMELA
HUH!??!?

DOUG
I think they're walking to the kitchen???

PAMELA
WHAT?!?

CHRIS
YEAH THEY'RE WALKING TO THE KITCHEN, MAYBE TO GET FOOD?!?

PAMELA
I DON'T GET IT.

DOUG
Is this a fucking artsy movie or something??

CHRIS
Fuck this shit let's leave. Fucking bullshit art.

They leave the theater. Outside the OLD GUY is complaining to the box office girl.

OLD GUY
They were talking and ruining the movie! I want my money back!

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Oh is that the movie with the house with the big windows and the guy and the girl walk into a kitchen!?!!?


THE END.

Joey's Noose

INT. BEDROOM

JOEY is standing with a noose, about to hang himself.

JOEY
This is it man. This is your big moment. Time to hang yourself. Time to die. This will show them. This will show all of them! They thought I couldn't tie a noose, but I SHOWED THEM. Look how well I tied it. Now it's going to help me die. Yep. I should name this noose, it's so well knotted. I should give it a PRETTY NAME. How about Lyla? Lyla the Noose. Me and Lyla, together forever. Looks like I'm not dying alone after all. Looks like things are starting to look pretty awesome for Joey.

Joey slips the noose around his neck.

JOEY
Yep. There it is. Nice and tight. Won't snap with my weight. That's a strong knot. I almost wish I wasn't killing myself so that I could savor the appreciation for my rope tying skills. I wish I could hang in there a bit longer...HAHA. "HANG" in there, that's a joke! I can't HANG in there cause I'll be HANGING and dead. I'll be a hanging, dead, corpse. Not even a person anymore, just a...thing. A disgusting thing.

Joey steps off his bed and starts to die.

JOEY
Theeere we go. Bim bam boom. That's how you do it. Bada bing, bada boom. Wam bam thank you ma'am.

Joey closes his eyes and stops talking. The rope snaps. He falls to the floor. He gets up and holds the rope in his hand.

JOEY
And that, class, is why a good knot is so important.

A class of kids is revealed.

JOEY
Now hand in your ropes, and i'll see you Monday.

The class of kids hands in their nooses that they made themselves. They all leave.

JOEY
Ahh, good kids. Good kids.

Joey sits there smiling, perfectly at ease. Joey opens his drawer, takes out a gun and shoots himself.


THE END.

Domino's Hell

Note: This sketch is based on something that just happened to me.

INT. HELL

A demon is torturing a Domino's employee.

DEMON
MUHAHAHAHA. See what happens when you put sausage pieces in a customer's pasta bread bowl!! SEE WHAT HAPPENS??

DOMINO'S EMPLOYEE
PLEASE! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!

DEMON
Oh sure! Maybe the first time! But twice in a row? TWICE IN A ROW?

D.E.
I SWEAR! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!

DEMON
So first Jordan tries to order online, BUT THE WEBSITE DOESN'T WORK!

Demon tortures more.

D.E.
I DON'T RUN THE WEBSITE! THAT'S NOT MY FAULT!!

DEMON
So first he tries to order on Firefox, then it doesn't work! THEN HE TRIES SAFARI, AND STILL TO NO AVAIL! SO HE HAS TO CALL UP, AND HIS HOUSE HAS REALLY BAD CELL PHONE RECEPTION!! HE HAS TO CALL AND ASK FOR ALL THESE DISGUSTING FOOD ITEMS BY NAME! SHAME AND FEAR IN EVERY WORD!!

D.E.
I'M SORRY!

DEMON
QUIET! AND THEN HE ORDERS A BREAD BOWL BECAUSE HE'S CURIOUS! AND THEN THE BREAD BOWL PASTA SHOWS UP...AND WHAT HAPPENS?

D.E.
I DON'T KNOW!

DEMON
THERE'S SAUSAGE IN IT! DON'T YOU KNOW JORDAN IS A VEGETARIAN!?

D.E.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!

DEMON
SO HE ACCIDENTALLY EATS A PIECE OF SAUSAGE! AND THEN HE HAS TO PICK THEM OUT OF HIS FOOD...AND BELIEVE ME...THEY WERE EVERYWHERE!!

D.E.
NO!

DEMON
EVERYWHERE!!!!! So then he calls Domino's again, STILL WITH THE BAD RECEPTION. AND YOU...APOLOGIZE TO HIM!

D.E.
I WAS SORRY! I STILL AM!

DEMON
And you PROMISED the problem would be corrected! SO WHAT DID YOU DO?

D.E.
I...I sent him another pasta bread bowl! To make up for it!

DEMON
AND THAT YOU DID, YOUNG MAN. THAT YOU DID. But what happened? IT STILL HAD SAUSAGE PIECES IN IT!!

D.E.
NO!

DEMON
YES!!

D.E.
OK! I admit it! I DID IT! I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON! PLEASE PUNISH ME! TORTURE ME!

DEMON
IT SHALL BE DONE!!

The demon tortures the Domino's employee for all eternity, with a lot of pain and horror and it's really horrible and awful and will never stop.


THE END.

Eye Doctor

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

JEFF is at the eye doctor. The doctor's name is DR. FRED.

DR.FRED
Aaaaand open your eyes. And close your eyes. And open them again.

JEFF
So how are my eyes looking, doc?

DR.FRED
Very nice, very pretty. You know they change color every time you close and open them again?

JEFF
Really? Is that a problem?

DR.FRED
No, no, not at all. It's just crazy weird! Hahaha!

JEFF
Ha ha!

The doctor examines Jeff's eye closer.

DR.FRED
Oh...Oh my. Oh my no.

JEFF
Something wrong?

DR.FRED
Ohh no. Oh no. Would you look at that...Oh my goodness.

JEFF
What's wrong with my eyes?

DR.FRED
Eye. Just the one eye here is what I'm reacting to. Oh god, no.

JEFF
Ok, my eye? What's wrong with my eye??

DR.FRED
I'm afraid I'll have to go in there.

JEFF
What?! What's wrong with it?

DR.FRED
Jeffrey, have you ever heard of oxytossiloctopus?

JEFF
No.

DR.FRED
Of course you wouldn't. You aren't a genius doctor like I am. Oxytossiloctopus is rare form of disintegration that's caused by a parasite commonly found in most urinals.

JEFF
Disintegration?

DR.FRED
And now I must take your eye out. Don't worry, we can anesthetize you.

JEFF
You have to take my eye out!?

DR.FRED
You ask a lot of questions! Yes. That pee parasite has really got it's claws in you. I'm surprised you can't see it, I mean, it IS right on your eye.

JEFF
So THAT'S why I've been having those nightmares about the giant parasites.

DR.FRED
Let me just get my instruments.

Dr. Fred walks out of the office and comes back with a guitar and harmonica.

DR.FRED
Get it!?!? INSTRUMENTS???

JEFF
Huh?

DR.FRED
"Let me just get my instruments" I said!

JEFF
Sorry doctor, but EYE just don't see your point.

They both look at each other for a beat, then start laughing.

DR.FRED
"Eye don't see!" That's good! That's very, very good!

JEFF
Yeah!!!

DR.FRED
Catch.

Dr. Fred throws a spoon at Jeff's eye. It scoops his eye out, it rolls on the floor.

DR.FRED
You're cured. Get out.

JEFF
OW!!!


THE END.