15 Signs You're An Orange

Ok guys, you're out there somewhere. Sitting at your computer, reading these internet lists, and still not feeling represented. Well here you go.

15 SIGNS YOU'RE AN ORANGE

1. You have an orange peel around you.

2. You are orange, the color.

3. You have seeds.

4. You are round.

5. You are small.

6. You grow on orange trees.

7. You smell like an orange.

8. You can be broken up into orange slices.

9. You get moldy if you sit around for too long.

10. You prefer quiet nights indoors and not loud bars.

11. You taste like an orange.

12. You can be made into orange juice.

13. You make fun of tangerines and are jealous of clementines.

14. You are a symbol for death in "The Godfather" films.

15. You can be bought in the fruit section of a supermarket.

The Mountain

Jeff Popsburg looked at the mountain.

"Big mountain," he thought. Jeff tightened his laces, adjusted his hat, and walked toward the giant landmark.

BUMP. He walked right into the mountain. "Ow," Jeff exclaimed. He also thought this. "Ow," he thought.

He tried again. SLAM. His face right into the rock. His glasses broke. He tossed them aside. "Free glasses!" he yelled. But nobody answered. "Huh. Guess no one recognizes a good deal when they see one!"

He tried a 3rd time to conquer the majestic mountain. He walked. He walked slowly. Determined. Careful. With caution, but with aggression.

SMACK. The mountain hit him so hard in the head, that blood trickled down his forehead. It went into his mouth. He licked his lips. "So that's what blood tastes like!" Jeff realized. He grabbed his water bottle from his bag, emptied it, and filled it with more of his blood.

He drank his own blood. "This way, I can't really lose any blood, because it's going right back into me!" Jeff thought, like a fucking moron.

He died of blood loss, and from a concussion. The mountain had claimed yet another lost soul.


THE END.

Plane Folks

EXT. WING OF AN AIRPLANE

JOE and DENNIS are sitting on the wing of an airplane, 30,000 feet up in the air.

JOE

Pass the mustard

DENNIS

Sure thing. Here you go.

JOE

You know, being homeless ain't so bad.

DENNIS

Nahhh not at all.

JOE

We got fresh air. We got excitement.

DENNIS

We get to travel the world. No prior commitments to busy up our schedule.

JOE

No females, so no need to 'bring home the bacon'

DENNIS

No bacon!

JOE

No home!

DENNIS

Just me, you...

JOE

On the wing of an airplane.

DENNIS

Well I'm going to go to sleep. All this white noise from the jets are making me drowsy.

JOE

Goodnight buddy.

DENNIS takes a few steps and lies down. His body slowly starts sliding away, about to fall off the wing.

JOE

Woh woh woh! Dennis! You're sliding off the wing, man!

DENNIS

Huhh...wuh? Oh...haha, woops. Would you mind...?

JOE

Oh...No. OK.

Dennis lies back down, and Joe puts both his hands on his legs so he doesn't slide anywhere.

DENNIS

Actually, you know, I gotta take a leak.

Dennis gets up, walks a few feet away and starts to pee. His pee splashes all over the airplane windows. People inside the airplane roll their eyes in disgust and murmur disparaging remarks about homeless people, airline regulations, etc, etc.

JOE

I'm just gonna jump.

DENNIS (zipping up)

What?

JOE

I hate this lifestyle. Always worried about falling off the plane. Always having to grab each other. Piss flying everywhere. Birds flying into our faces. I accidentally ate a goose yesterday. It flew right into my mouth.

DENNIS

Oh, would you rather live on a BOAT? Or on a TRAIN? Like a regular hobo? Maybe you'd prefer to live on top of a bus? A big yellow school bus?

JOE

Maybe I DO want to live on a big yellow school bus. Just like my old man.

DENNIS

Well fine. I'll look down on you and wave once in a while.

JOE

Fine. FINE. See ya.

Joe jumps off the plane. As he's falling he aims towards a school bus he sees on the road.

JOE

What luck!

He falls into the school bus with intense velocity and causes the bus to swerve and crash and explode. Lots of people die.

DENNIS

Some people just don't have what it takes.

Dennis knocks on one of the passenger windows.

DENNIS

HEY LADY, YOU DONE WITH THAT MAGAZINE? I GOTTA TAKE A CRAP.

THE FUCKING END.

A Mix Of Every Sketch I Wrote in September

JORDAN comes out on stage.

JORDAN
Hi everybody!! In order to deal with personal problems in my life, I embarked on writing 30 comedy sketches in 30 days, in accordance with National Sketchwriting Month. My good friend Matt Koff was the one who told me about it! Take a bow, Matt!

MATT stands up, the audience boos him.

JORDAN
Haha, we love Matt here. Well anyway, this is my 30th sketch, and I thought that the other 29 I wrote were GOOD, but not GREAT. Maybe if I took pieces of them, and worked them into one new SUPER SKETCH, I'd have the funniest comedy sketch ever written! Let's take a look...

INT. BARBER SHOP/EYE DOCTOR

BARBER
Oh mama mia! My hand is stuck behind this guys head of hair! I hate when this happens! Don't you, Eye Doctor?

EYE DOCTOR
Yes, yes, I hate that.

The eye doctor pulls a salsa jar out of his pocket.

EYE DOCTOR
Mmmm, that's good salsa!

The eye doctor pulls a snapple out of his pants.

EYE DOCTOR
This is snapple-tastic!!

Suddenly JOEY walks in with a noose around his neck.

JOEY
Hey! Do you guys sell any candy canes?

BARBER/EYE DOCTOR
NO! GET OUT OF HERE!

A TV is on in the background.

REPORTER
Breaking story: Dr. Flab has died. Again: Dr. Flab has died in a coal mining accident.

BARBER
Ah, stupid coal miners! Think they're so great!

REPORTER
And now with the weather, our lovely weather lady, Donna!

DONNA
I am just really, really indifferent to the weather. It may rain, there may be hurricanes. Go to the beach. I don't care.

REPORTER
Thank you, Donna! Stay tuned tonight for a new episode of Ben's Castle, featuring the Bad Jugglers and the Cookie Brothers!

EYE DOCTOR
TV these days, it's all filth!

DAVE walks in to the barber shop.

DAVE
Man, this mosquito bite is KILLING my balls! Say, is this the eye doctor-barber shop?

BARBER
Yes sir!

DAVE
That is so weird you guys combined businesses! That's a sketch!

EYE DOCTOR
Right. Can we help you?

DAVE
Oh, I was just on the way to see Petey The Antelope's Picnic Adventure, the director's cut, and I thought I'd stop in and take some of your coupons.

BARBER
Yes yes yes, take the coupons.

DAVE
Great! I can't wait to--Ahhh...AHHH....AHHHH....CHOOBOO GOOBOO GEEBEE GOO POOPOOO DOODOOO PEEPEE WAWAWA!!!!!!!

BARBER
God bless you.

DAVE
Thanks. Anyway, I can't wait to see this movie! I heard a guy and a girl walk into a kitchen or something! Bye!!

Dave leaves.

EYE DOCTOR
Ehh, these flashy new movies, with people walking into kitchens. It's all MTV and BOOM BOOM BOOM.

BARBER
Yes, it's true. It reminds me of this dream I had!

EYE DOCTOR
Oh?

BARBER
Yeah...well, since I started using my bed tubes my dreams have been very strange! It's like I know I'm dreaming!

EYE DOCTOR
Weirdy beardy!

BARBER
So anyway, in this dream, I'm going down a water slide, and it leads me to this haunted house, and there's this man with a chainsaw!

EYE DOCTOR
I DON'T LIKE CHAINSAWS!

BARBER
And I do!? So then, this chainsaw guy chases me, but then I escape and I'm in this magical forest, and I start singing this queer song!

EYE DOCTOR
Don't sing it, please.

BARBER
I don't remember it. Well anyway, NEXT CUSTOMER.

NICK sits in the barber chair.

NICK
HURRY! MOVE IT! CUT MY HAIR! MOVE!! GO!!!

BARBER
Such an angry man, you are! Maybe I will take this chair and drop it in the ocean!

NICK
SORRY! I'm just mad cause my girlfriend cheated on me at Laser Tag.

BARBER
Yes, that place, it is a hot spot for such affairs I hear.

NICK
Yeah! Well, just a little off the top please.

The barber shaves Nick bald.

NICK
ARGGHGHH!!!

Nick leaves.

EYE DOCTOR
What a cranky customer!

BARBER
Ahh, he's a good man.

EYE DOCTOR
No, he's an asshole.

BARBER
NO YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

EYE DOCTOR
I oughtta punch your face!

BARBER
You would never do that!

EYE DOCTOR
You're right, I can't. It's not my nature. So what are you doing tonight? Me and the wife are thinking of ordering in some Dominos.

BARBER
Bah! Dominos, they should all burn in Hell for their terrible service! Sure, what time?

EYE DOCTOR
7:30 PM.

BARBER
I'll be there! OH! Wait! I can't. I'm being put to death at 8.

EYE DOCTOR
Death?

BARBER
Yes, electric chair. I didn't pay my last 5 parking tickets, and this judge sentenced me to DEATH BY ELECTRIC CHAIR!

Prison guard walks in.

PRISON GUARD
Come on, Barber. It's time to pay the piper! Hahaha, man, what a great day for me, I love when I get to take a walk around the neighborhood, you know? Too bad you never will again!

Jordan walks out on stage.

JORDAN
THE END! Thank you everyone who checked in on my sketches, whether every day or just once in a while. Hope you had as much fun reading them as I had trying to write them! Keep checking this blog for more stuff! I'm not done by a long shot!

MATT
HOORAY FOR JORDAN!

AUDIENCE
HOORAY FOR JORDAN! HOORAY FOR JORDAN! HOORAY FOR JORDAN!



THE END.

Order in the Funny Court

INT. COURTROOM

LAWYER
And so, Mister Gaffy, you walked all the way upstairs.

MR. GAFFY
That's correct.

LAWYER
And then you went INTO THE BATHROOM...

MR. GAFFY
...Yes.

LAWYER
And you brushed your TEETH. ONE brush TWO brush THREE brush FOUR.

MR. GAFFY
Yes. Something like that.

LAWYER
And then you put on your PAJAMAS. What kind of pajamas were they?

MR. GAFFY
Like a...a flannel thing. Comfy.

LAWYER
And then what?

MR. GAFFY
I think I...

LAWYER
YOU THINK?

MR. GAFFY
I went into my bedroom.

LAWYER
But you didn't go to bed, did you?

MR. GAFFY
No. No? No.

LAWYER
You checked your e-mail ONE LAST TIME before going to sleep.

MR. GAFFY
Ah, yes, I always do that.

LAWYER
And then you shut down your computer, and you climbed into bed.

MR. GAFFY
Oh god. Yes. It's true.

LAWYER
And then...you slept! You slept like a little baby.

MR. GAFFY
Yes. Yes a very nice sleep.

LAWYER
No further questions!

JUDGE
Mr. Gaffy you may step down.

Mr.Gaffy hesitates for a moment and awkwardly goes to the bench.

JUDGE
I've heard all I need to. Mr. Gaffy I sentence you to death by electric chair. Good day everybody.

MR.GAFFY
Well, what's fair is fair.

JURY
Yay!


THE END.

Water Slide

EXT. WATER PARK

Kids BRUCE and KENDRA and DAD at water park.

BRUCE
I want to go on the water slide next!

DAD
Hahaha, sure thing. Man, kids love these water slides don't they?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Whatever.

KENDRA
This water slide looks dangerous!

BRUCE
Yeah! Let's go on it!

DAD
Say there uh, water slide man, is this dangerous at all?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Yes.

DAD
Well if the man says it's OK, sure thing kids! Go on!

Bruce and Kendra go down the water slide. The slide is let into a glass acquarium with no top. There are dead children everywhere.

DAD
Hey uhh...can they get out of that thing?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Huh? What? Oh...no. You need a special key to open up the top.

DAD
I, uh, I think my kids are...drowning.

WATER SLIDE GUY
Huh? Yeah. Yeah they drown on this ride.

DAD
My wife's going to kill me! Can you get them out? What if I make it...interesting for you?

Dad slips the guy a $5 bill.

WATER SLIDE GUY
Look sir, it's park policy to empty out the bodies after closing time. Please, you're blocking the line.

3 other little kids go down the slide, yelling happily.

DAD
Ahhh...I hate to go against policy. I'm just going to miss them, you know?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Sir is there something I can help you with or are you done here?

DAD
OH! Sorry, didn't mean to intrude on the business. I'll just make my way back to the parking lot. What was your name again?

WATER SLIDE GUY
Ugh.

DAD
Yes, ok then. I will...probably see ya next summer. This really is a fun place to bring the kids. Maybe I'll bring my niece and nephew.

WATER SLIDE GUY
Alright, NEXT UP.

20 children jump down the water slide.


THE END.

Laser Tag

INT. LASER TAG ARENA

A group of guys is doing Laser Tag. REX, the guy in charge, starts talking.

REX
OK guys! Since this is your first time here at Laser Tag-a-torium, we're gonna go over a few rules. Does anyone have a problem with that? Good. Now rule number one, no kissing. There will be NO KISSING on the laser tag floor. This game is about targeting, stealth, and planning. Not about kissing.

Everyone looks at each other.

REX
OK. Rule number 2: Nobody take your panties off. All panties have to be LEFT ON. In fact keep ALL. OF. YOUR. CLOTHES. ON. We wear these special vests so we can tally up the points at the end of the game. We're going to KEEP OUR CLOTHES ON.

Pause.

REX
Alright. Rule number 3. If you have to have sex with each other, do so AFTER THE GAME. Maybe in the bathrooms, in your houses, I DON'T CARE. I don't want to know about it. But nobody has sex in MY lasertag during MY time. I know we all want to have sex, but you could hurt your team by being distracted.

Pause.

REX
Rule number 4: If you HAVE to orgasm somewhere, try to do so in the garbage bins that are located on the SOUTH FAR RIGHT and NORTH FAR LEFT corners of the arena. This game uses black light and nobody wants to see your ejaculate lighting up the room like fireflys. THIS IS A NO EJACULATE AREA.

TEAM MEMBER
Um, excuse me? I think we're good to play. I don't think any of us plan on going against...any of these rules.

REX
Oh really? How long have you been running Laser Tag? 0 years? REALLY. Look. I know the game. I know what happens during the game. I know that tensions flare up, and passion gets out of control. I know some people's girlfriends like to fuck their roommates in the back of the Laser Tag arena where you reload your laser gun during a free game on your birthday. I know all about it.

Everyone looks awkward.

REX
So listen to the rules and THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME, OKAY? Rule number 5: If you must cheat on your boyfriend by the reload station, be prepared to fight. Don't press charges when you end up in the hospital with three broken noses and a bloody ear. This is MY ARENA, and if you VIOLATE it, you will PAY the CONSEQUENCES. Rule number 6: Have a good time gang! Alright, everybody ready? And...GO! GO! GO!

Everyone jumps into action and starts making out with each other and having sex with each other.

THE END.

Dream Sketch

INT. McDonalds

MATT
So, this is McDonalds, huh?

DAVE
Yeah, isn't it great!

MATT
Yes it is great. I like the food at McDonalds.

DAVE
Yeah! Hey, you know that book you wrote? It's on fire.

Matt turns and sees a book on fire.

MATT
Oh no, but I spent 10 years writing that book!

DAVE
10 years? You're not even 10 years old!

MATT
What? Wait...something is strange here.

DAVE
Man I'm so full, I think I'm going to throw up.

MATT
Is this...a dream? I'm in a dream aren't I?

DAVE
A dream? You know...I think you're right. This is a dream. We never go to McDonalds.

MATT
So this is a dream...and I KNOW it's a dream. So I can make anything happen now?

DAVE
That may be true. That may be true.

MATT
OK. I want to have sex with every girl in here!

DAVE
....Maybe you have to say it louder.

MATT
Okay. LISTEN SUBCONSCIOUS -- I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY GIRL IN HERE!!!!

DAVE
Nothing's happening. Wait...try this...

Dave whispers in Matt's ear.

MATT
Hm. I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY GUY IN HERE!!

Suddenly all the guys in McDonald's line up in a row and bend over in front of Matt.

MATT
Oh...weird. So this is what I want?

DAVE
Better get started.

MATT
But I don't think I want this. Ok, let me try something simpler. I WANT TO FLY!

Nothing happens.

DAVE
Nothing's happening.

MATT
I WANT TO FLY!

Matt jumps around. Nothing happens. A black man walks into McDonalds and starts screaming.

BLACK MAN
FUCK ALL YOU WHITE MOTHERFUCKERS! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU BITCHES!

MATT
Uhhh

DAVE
That's kind of racist. Are you...racist?

MATT
If your dream is racist does that make you racist?

BLACK MAN
ALL YOU WHITE PEOPLE ARE GONNA DIE.

MATT
Why would I dream this? I don't think I'm racist.

DAVE
I guess you're scared of black people?

MATT
I WANT THIS BLACK MAN TO BE NICE AND NOT SCARY ANYMORE!

The black man charges up to Matt.

BLACK MAN
Hi there sir, may I shine your shoes?

MATT
Ahhhh wait...I didn't mean to make him like...my servant. This isn't what I want...

DAVE
So you're really racist.

MATT
I DON'T WANT ANY BLACK PEOPLE IN MY DREAM!!!

The black guy walks over and bends over like the other men in the dream.

DAVE
Maybe you should just wake up.

MATT
This is so confusing!!!

DAVE
Well I gotta go, I have a date with Laura Prepon.

MATT
From That 70's Show?

DAVE
I guess.

MATT
I WANT TO LEAVE THIS DREAM WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!

Matt wakes up in bed.

MATT
Wow...what a weird dream. Honey...I just had the weirdest dream.

A gorilla wearing a cheerleader outfit comes out of the bathroom, holding an accordion.

GORILLA
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!


THE END.